Twist on obtaining closed adoptee information... Question:?

Question

My dad was adopted. He does not want to share any of his birthfamily information with us. That's fine. But I'd really like to know who my biological family is on his side. I'm in Virginia,and I was told by the court that I cannot obtain the information, my Dad has to ask for it personally- and that's that. If he dies and never asks, no one will ever get it. I STILL won't have the right to obtain that information.

I know it's HIS birth family- and HIS information... but as his child, I wonder about it... and as far as I know, will never find out.

Does anyone have an opinion on "second generation" requests for birthfamily information regarding a parent?

Answer 1

I know that this isn't much help, but the USA is the only country in the civilized world that treats people this way.   I know that in the UK the records are accessible by ANY member of the family, this is as it should be.  Your father's ancestors are also your ancestors and your childrens ancestors, your grandchildrens' ancestors . . .  

Nobody should be able to decide whom you can and cannot trace/contact as grown adults in a democratic country.  Nobody.

You have every right to know your origins, the same way most people take for granted

Good luck

ETA   Contrary to what one answerer, who profits from the adoption industry btw, states.   It was not necessarily the birthmothers decision to have a closed adoption - that's rubbish.   Closed adoption was IMPOSED upon mothers, they did not have a choice and who wants to be held to a decision made decades ago anyways.  That person is talking out of her A**, again.   Would you go to this person for life coaching - eeeek run a mile

Answer 2

I'm sorry. I disagree with other posters that this info is yours.  It is info that is very relevant to you but it isn't yours.  I do not have the right to my parent's medicall records even though what is on there may greatly affect me.  I don't even have the right to go after my daughters info if she were to choose to go into a clinic for birth control. The right to individual privacy does not extend to family members(unless it is established that they are not competent to make individual decisions)  My husband works in hospice and many times patients choose to withhold  very important information from their family and that is their right.  Isn't this similair?  In a previous post didn't most agree that info belongs only to the adoptee?  And if you as a daughter feel you should have access, how about cousins, grandchildren, aunts, uncles.  Isn't this info pertinent to them as well? In this country we do not have a right to other's information just because it is important to us.   I believe we should have the right to our own info, yes.  But many people have reasons for not wanting others poking around in their private documents.  I'm glad we have that right even if it can mean others can't access it who might deserve it.

So, while the information is valuable to you in that it defines you, it is not yours.  I would be very wary of going after it without your father's knowledge or consent.  You may be overstepping your boundaries.  Wouldn't it just be better to explain to him how important this is to you and ask him if it is ok if you search?  He may have some fears regarding this and might come around after seeing much it means to you.  But if you go after this without his knowledge I think he may feel violated.  Just some things to think about.

ETA-Thank you Phil.  I already knew that.  I could not go to a medical office and claim I had a right to my grandfathers or my great grandmothers medical records.  Even though they are my ancestors and that info greatly would affect me.  I shouldn't have used the ex. of a child, you are correct.  Sorry.

I think in this case it is a matter of respect.  A daughter's respect for her father's wishes as an adoptee not to probe into the past.  The search for answers I would hope would be guided by him.

Answer 3

I agree that my information is also my children's information.  They were a big part of my reason for wanting to search.  

Although I searched and found, I cannot get a copy of my original birth certificate.  I have left written instructions, stored with my Last Will and Testament, that clearly state that if I do not get a copy of my OBC in my lifetime, my children should continue to try to get it.  My heritage is their heritage.  When I have grandkids someday...I will tell them the same thing:  fight for my OBC!

Answer 4

Sounds like you're about to become an amateur sleuth!

You know where and when, and that there are older sibling(s). That's a good start.

Find out if the local paper has a way for you to read their archives. You might have to go to their offices and look through microfiche. Look through the legal notices from a little before your dad's birth until about a year afterward. (Yes, it's tedious, but his birthdate may be a lie, and adoptions take time to finalize.) In many cities, lawyers are required to announce that an adoption is about to occur. This was the old way of making sure that a baby wasn't adopted out of a family without notice. Nowadays, a lot of states make it almost impossible for the baby's extended biological family (including father's family) to even know about an impending adoption. But back when your dad would have been born, there was usually this requirement to make a public legal announcement.

See if you can view the local high school's year books for the 5 or 6 years before your dad would have been in high school. Look for students who seem to have a family resemblance. The public library or the high school itself are the best sources for this. If anyone asks, you can honestly say that you are researching your family's roots.

Good luck!

Answer 5

This is your heritage, too.  You have every right to it just as people who don't have this adoption situation.  People forget that it's not just the immediate family that suffers the losses.  In my first family, everyone -- dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. -- wanted me found.  (I was adopted out.)  

My husband wants to know his niece, as he recently found out his sister relinquished a child in 1973.  Family members are affected.

Yes, your father may not like it that you wish to find out.  However, it's not just his natural family and heritage.  It is the whole family's.  Do you have any information at all that can help you search for answers?

ETA:

Regarding cruzgirl's post, the asker isn't discussing getting medical information.  She is only stating she wants to know who her relatives are.  HIPAA doesn't relate to this.

ETA:

One of the responders who is discussing closed adoptions and promoting secrecy is an adoption social worker.  She makes her living off of adoptions, so her opinion on secrecy in adoption is a conflict of interest.

Answer 6

That's a tough one.  I think at some point, we must honor the decision that was made.  If a birthmother CHOOSES a non-open adoption, it is her choice.  If others open up an adoption plan she thought was not open, there is no integrity in the process.  Otherwise, women will not feel the trust necessary to make the decision she feels is in the best interest of her baby.  Whatever that was.  And then, perhaps less responsible choices will be made.  

However, medical and genetic and ALL non-identifying information should ALWAYS be made available.

Answer 7

,i feel sorry for you and i think your Dad is being very selfish about it , it is your family as well, and although i respect the fact that he doesn't want to know ,  he should not stand in your way , surly there's a way , if he would just give you the info you need and say, if you find out anything you won't tell him, as he doesn't want to know , it's not his fault he was adopted , so i can't see why he's being like this, sorry i can't give any advice , i just wanted to wish you luck  .....

Answer 8

Isn't it great - the 'joys' of adoption just keep going on and on and on.

*snark*

It makes me very cranky that people just don't understand how this stuff effects so many generations.

Sorry - no advice. I'd search like mad for the info - but that's me - I'm a curious and stubborn soul!!

I wish you all the best on your search.

Answer 9

It is HIS information, but it's yours, too.  This is part of your heritage.  Not having the information can clearly have an effect on you.

I know that in some states, if the relevant party is dead, close relatives can search and the like.  It sounds like, from what you've said, Virginia is not like that.  

Still, there's no reason you can sign up on registries and try to search on your own.  You do need to think about this, though, because if you find them, they may very well want to find your father.  You have to decide whether you want to go behind his back this way.  But there are ways to do it, if you decide to.  I would start with ISRR.  You need as much information on him and his birth as you have.  

Good luck

ETA:  In the interest of full disclosure, one of the people answering here to keep the adoption closed makes money off of adoption.  Not exactly conflict-of-interest-free.

ETA2:  Basically to cruzgirl: There is a difference between information about your descendants (child) and about your ancestors (parents and grandparents.  The latter directly affects you.  The former does not.

Answer 10

I can understand your curiousity-- but I also think you need to be more sensitive to your father's wishes.  It can be very hard for someone to be confronted with the parent that gave them up......and if he doesn't want that reality check, you shouldn't force it on him.

Answer 11

Hi Kristy,

You may not realize it, but you too, are a victim of closed adoption laws.  Adoption does that not only to the adoptee, but to all his/her future descendents as well.  I don't know what his reasons are, but guess what?  He does not own that information any more than your mother owns her biological side of your family tree, or you owning your children's family trees.  Those are YOUR ancestors too, and you have as much right to that information as he does.  

If he knows that information & doesn't want to share it, my guess is there may be some negative information that he feels may somehow reflect upon him.  If so, he is needlessly worrying because no fair person would judge him for anything somebody else has done.  Adoptees are in the same boat because someone else is always trying to make decisions on their behalf with regards to what information they feel you may be able to handle or not.  The fact is, every family has something somewhere that may be viewed negatively & so what.  Everyone is capable of accepting it.  If his fear is that you will then want to establish relationships with your family members, that is always up to each 2 adult individuals in our society as to whether they wish to have a relationship with each other.  You do not need his permission.  If they do not want relationships with you for whatever reason, you should respect that.  That still does not take away your right to know who they are though.

If he does not know his information and doesn't want to find it, that is a different angle.  It would be nice if you could work on that together. Have you tried explaining to him the importance of having complete medical information for you & your children?  Does he have his non-identifying information at least?  Fewer men actually conduct searches than women.  It's still just as much your family as it is his.  

If you are referring to his original birth certificate, you & any other children/grandchildren of adoptees could always join us in our quest for open birth certificates.  There's a demonstration this July 22, in New Orleans.  Every step gets us closer to openness for all adoptees & other unwilling participants of adoption.  I understand completely where you are coming from & my opinion is you do have a right to knowledge of your biological roots.  He does not own that information & it is not right for him to keep that from you.  I hope this makes sense to you.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee