Two Partenzas, which would you choose and why?

Question

CHOCOLATE LOVE

I feed my lover's sweet fancy

Fancy sweets, dreamy chocolate dark

Dark nights spent in each other's arms

Arms and legs wrapped in hot love sweet.

Sweet beyond the the taste of chocolate

Chocolate kisses shared by others

Others without passionate love

Love, the lover's fancy I feed.

Version 2 (86.86. Metre):

I feed my lover's sweet fancy

Fancy sweet chocolate dark.

Dark nights spent in each other's arms,

Arms holding hot love sweet.

Sweet beyond the taste of chocolate.

Chocolate shared by others

Others sans our passionate love,

Love, the fancy I feed.

Answer 1

I rather prefer the lovely simplicity of the second, it is smoother when read aloud.  I also know what sans means...

Answer 2

Essentially, you are asking the question of which is preferable beat for the partenza, 8888 or 8686.  I am not sure how to feel about that because such considerations are not easily answered by comparing two versions of the same partenza.  You see, there's a lot more going on here than meter.  What is the same? In each, you have satisfied partenza requirements for line wrapping and have also linked stanzas and linked the terminal phrase of the poem to its inaugural phrase; this is the aesthetic I prefer and that I have used since I constructed my first partenza.  What is different? Well, beat of course but other things as well, things that make me on balance prefer the first version: L2 has lovely assonance and alliteration in V1 that the same line in V2 lacks (the extra two syllables essentially provided an opportunity for use of these easy ornaments); L4 paints a much richer picture in V1 than does its V2 counterpart; L6 has the lovely pun on chocolate kisses in V1, and that pun links to "taste" in L5; the use of "sans" ("without" en Francaise) seems to add a little bit of additional exotic overtones, but not so much; L8 of V2 seems to me a more concise and suggestive construction that its V1 counterpart.  So who wins?  When I read them aloud, I feel that V1 on balance is a stronger piece, but a different pair might elicit from me a different preference.  In any case, it's not all about the beat.

Answer 3

I know what sans means as well. I like both versions and think you should write a third and encompass the ideas from both

Answer 4

My vote is for version one.  Although, version two has a nice sound,  I think the words, not so much the extra beats, are what makes this poem.  

Answer 5

The first one... Whos going to know what sans means?

Answer 6

Hands down the first one!

Why --it is just a better read and much more descriptive! This is what my eyes and mind tell me!

And my favorite part!

I feed my lover's sweet fancy

Fancy sweets, dreamy chocolate dark

Dark nights spent in each other's arms

Arms and legs wrapped in hot love sweet

Love the painted picture!!

Cheers!!

Answer 7

Since I'm sans chocolate for life...I like them both, the second a little more...because the form needs that instant reinforcement.

Answer 8

Sans doubt, number two for me. Very nice.

Answer 9

First one sounds better to me

Answer 10

I know what "sans" means. I looked it up in the dictionary on line. I'm not telling, though.

As to the poem, the second version has the 8-6-8-6 meter and therefore seems to flow a bit better than the first.