Two questions regarding adoption and opinions...?

Question

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for clicking. I've got a two part question: First, I am searching for anyone to whom I am biologically related. I was an at home birth and given up via closed adoption per the laws of 1970 and am hoping to gain any information for my own three children. Can anyone point me in the right direction or possibly give me referrals not yet attempted/failed at by me already? Secondly, As I compiled yet another round of documents for another search, I mentioned to my boyfriend (of 15 years. Dumb word.) that while I respect biological parents anonymity, I find it slightly heartless for my "parents" to refuse the waiver necessary to have on file with the state in order for me to contact them. Not for money. Not to make them uncomfortable. But for my own kids as my health is failing. His answer, verbatem, was as follows: (Please read, think about it from the point of a distraught adoptee, and give your honest opinion) "They probably don't want to relive their past mistakes."

Answer 1

Hi!  I honestly think that your parents didnt leave any documents because they may be ashamed to have given you up and they dont want it to be awkward if one day you try to contact them in the far future.  I dont doubt that they think about you on a daily basis, but I do think that adoption clinics should not give the option to refuse the waiver in cases like yours.  Stick in there and I'm sure you will find something!

Good Luck and Take Care!!

Answer 2

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time locating your natural family.

Just wanted to let you know that I was never given any waiver to sign when I lost my baby. This was in 1984. I believe that the idea that natural mothers requested confidentiality has been twisted. I've known many many natural mothers who lost their children to adoption and have never heard any of them say they asked for or were promised confidentiality. In fact, most of these women are also fighting to have records openned for adult adoptees.

In my case my son's adoptive parents knew my name and my mother's name from the day my son was born. I was not allowed to know their names though. The confidentiality - secrecy - is often at the behest of the adotive parents in closed adoptions.

The only mistake in my past is in not being more resourceful in finding out how to keep my child. There is a lot of pain and deep grief in realizing what my innocence and ignorance cost both my son and me. We have recently reconnected and he is the most wonderful person in the world to me! I NEVER considered giving birth to him to be a mistake.

best of luck to you!

Answer 3

I know how that feels (to be called a past mistake)

My situation is different to yours. My mother and Father split up when I was a few weeks old. She left the state and I never saw or heard from my father again. When my sister and I were older and had our own kids we decided that we'd contact him.  He told us we were very welcome to come to his place and meet his family BUT under NO circumstances were we to tell his sons who we really were. He wanted us to say we were daughters of a work colleague staying there while he was overseas!!!! My 1/2 brothers at the time were 12, 8 + 6. We denied his wishes and our brothers still don't know about us......He's precise words were....."My Sons Do Not Need To Know The Idiotic Mistakes I Made As A Teenager". I was devastated he felt that way. As for your partner, I am pretty sure he didn't mean anything hurtful by his comment. Sometimes men say things as they think them without thinking what it will actually sound like.

As for finding your parents I'd suggest more information in your question. It doesn't say what country you live in, were born in or even the month.

Here in Australia a lot of the women's magazines have "help" columns where you can list your info and receive replies via e-mail.

Answer 4

ask for Gershom

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Your boyfriend needs some education as this is a very serious and difficult issue for us adoptees.

Good luck

Answer 5

Did your parents refuse to sign the waiver? I am confused. Waivers of confidentiality werent always offered when the adoption was finalized. What state was your adoption finalized in? Laws have changed in some states. As to your boyfriends comment.... Yuck. He needs to educate himself about adoptees, natural parents and adoption in general so he can be supportive.

Answer 6

Your question did not indicate if you are a US citizen.  Most US states have laws governing the sealing and revealing of original parents to adopted children.  I don't know if you are from US, so I don't know if such websites would be useful to you or not, but do a web search for 'your state or country' and 'adoption laws.'

Once you have the basic name info, geneological research can reveal much, also.