Typically, when an infant in the U.S. is relinquished for adoption, isn't it more often the MAN...?

Question

who determines the future? When a man refuses to honor his obligation to his child, the woman is forced to consider all the "second-best" options. When she rejects aborting her child, she must then make the best choice she can for her child's life. (I believe whichever choice she makes, it is highly probably the right choice).

HOWEVER, I see lots of folks jumping all over the women who are considering relinquishing their children for adoption --- AND I have yet to see a word about the merry skippers. Isn't it they who have made parenthood untenable?

Answer 1

yes

Answer 2

This is a very interesting question.  I always question the assumption that a woman "got HERSELF pregnant" lol.  All by herself, well fancy that

I think you are right, the women appear to bear the brunt of all the grief and judgment.  

On the other hand there have been cases when the fathers rights have been trampled all over also.  Responsible fathers are losing their children through unethical adoption practices

Answer 3

Wow!  What a great, thought-provoking question.

Yes, the father bailing or the mother rejecting the father puts SOME mothers in an untenable position (not always tho' - some women are better off).  Many solo mothers do quite well on their own.  I know many single mothers who are fabulous providers for their children and would rip anyone's lungs out who called their choice to parent "second best" (thanks for the quotes on second best!)

I also agree with Joy in that when the father is not supportive, the maternal grandparents are very influential with regards to "second best" options.  Millions of families in the US do support their daughters' decisions to parent their children, both financially and emotionally.  BTW - they do not see this choice as a "second best" option at all, knowing that it is best for the child to remain with his/her family of origin (as long as the family is healthy!).  Millions of grandparents also choose kinship relationships with their grandchildren, keeping them out of the foster system and opening the opportunity for benefits via their employers or social services.

Many of the families who choose to keep their families intact do so because they observed or experienced the horrors of the 50's, 60's, and 70's when mothers were forced to give their babies away.  Even now, it breaks my heart to see some of the moms who are backed into a financial corner and feel that they HAVE to choose adoption to provide food and shelter for their child.

I agree with you tho', if a mother makes an informed choice to give up her baby through an ethical adoption agency AND if the child has the benefit of ongoing contact with his/her family of origin (that is, contact that is appropriate in terms of the health of the family), it is unfair for people to jump all over these mothers.  They have done what they feel is best for themselves and their children.

I think that a lot of the "jumping all over" the women (really - shouldn't we call them mothers??) is actually well-meaning people who want to make sure that the mothers are informed about their options and careful about the ethics of the adoption facilitator that they choose.  I think that a lot of the recent posts chastising the so-called "antis" are made by angry people who use YA as a cheap way to advertise their desire to adopt an infant.  I do sympathize - less than 2% of solo mom pregnancies result in infant adoption which sets up hopeful adoptive parents to be exploited, financially and emotionally.  It is very sad to see them jerked around by the system too.

Sandra - I neglected to point out that solo dads can do a great job too.  We have good friends whose son had a daughter when he was 19.  He just graduated from engineering school and is a doting dad of a beautiful little girl.  He has shared custody with his former girlfriend who was 17 when their baby was born.  She is halfway through nursing school.  Both had wonderful support from their parents.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Answer 4

Yes, I see your point.

OTOH, should a woman choose abortion, the MAN has no choice.

And should she chose to have the baby without his marrying her, he is on the hook for 18 years of child support.

Both parties are responsible, IMHO.

Answer 5

How is adoption a second-best option?  Also, a lot of fathers aren't aware that they impregnated a girl, or there are plenty of cases where the father wants to keep the child but the mother would rather give it up.

Answer 6

some people are young when they have babies and they are scared and worried about how they are going to take care of it so that is why they come up with the adoption choice. i think that they should keep the baby and get temporary welfare help. babies need their mothers. some women are selfish to give up their babies at times when they have good careers and they feel that a baby will slow them down. that is what is not fair. people want to have fun having s*x but they don't want to deal with the consequences of it.

Answer 7

What I have noticed researching adoption as I have.  Fathers who do stand up get shafted by either the agency or the natural mother.  On the other hand, I have seen mothers get shafted by fathers who don't want responsibility.  

One of the states is doing a volunteer father registry and  the local newspaper did a story on it.  Many men saw it as a way for mothers to get child support.  What they fail to realize and many still do is that it protects their right to parent.  

In these cases with fathers being mentioned all over the internet, these fathers did the right thing.  They registered on the putative father registries in various states.  Some cases the mothers jumped states.  Two of those cases the agencies were trying to come up with tactics to force the fathers to relinquish.  I believe in two cases right now the fathers are being forced to pay child support.  Yep I know I know.  That is unreasonable but true.  A father in the United States must be on all fifty state registries in order to stop the adoption of their children.  In another case, the agency was willing to have the father charged with rape.  Both parents were 16 and 17.  

I also believe that adoption agencies have a very strong network going on.  How else would these mother be able to jump states like they do?

Answer 8

I am not sure about the stats, but often it seems to be the woman and her lack of familial support, or actually, I would say most often the maternal grandparents guiding the decision, although there are alwasy exceptions, esp. now when so many relinquishing parents are actually older women, in their 20's who are making the plan on the assumption that it is a non-event for the adoptee, that they do not hold an irreplaceable position in the adoptee's life.

Outside of that, I would agree with you, having a partner that does not support a pregnancy/child  is DEVASTATING.  I remember it well...

Answer 9

This is how it is. If a woman decides to have a baby or get's pregant if she wants to keep the baby and the father doesn't want anything to do with the baby she can always get child support. If she decides to give the baby up she can always lie and say she doesn't know who the father is. What makes you think she would tell the father so he might want the baby and she is the one who has to pay child support when have you ever heard of that happening. There are cases like shawn mcdonald that have had their child stole through adoption because the mother decided for her self to give the baby away so she unlike most men who pay child support she wouldn't have to pay so no it's the women that has all the say. What should happen if the father decides to fight the adoption and stops it and get vistation then both mother and father need to pay child support to the couple who has the baby. Why should the mother get off free. Everyone praises the birth mother and call the father dead beat dads when in most cases the men would be better parents . Until this changes  men are going to have a harder time in courts. Birthcontrol goes both ways,

Answer 10

You also have to keep in mind that in most states, underage people can not marry without parental consent, even today.

I'm not saying this is the case all the time, but it does happen.

And the other reality is that there are men out there who do not even know that they fathered a child because they are never told.