U.S Soldiers, what are some funny stories you have while serving in the military?

Question

I'm from a military family and i love to hear all their stories and i'm interested hearing yours because i have 10 more months til i sign up and want to hear some good times you had while in the service.

I will start with a story my Uncle told me when he came back from Iraq: This guy that was with my unk and his unit always had to take a number 2 while out on patrols. so my unk and a few of his buddies kept getting annoyed that they have to stop what they were doing becuase this guy had to relieve himself so often. so they ended up putting like a burning spray or something on his baby wipes. haha My unk said he didn't have to go no more on the patrols after that.

Answer 1

FYI: You'll soon learn that the friends you make have no first name, you'll mostly know them by there last name.

This happened in Germany:

#1: My buddy Pichon and I were at the shooting range, during the range you had to go pull guard duty by the woods. It was about a 5 minute walk. Anyway it was his turn to go pull guard. He never showed up. He got lost in the woods. People freaked out because we all had our weapons, so they thought he went crazy and was hiding in the woods, ready to shoot us. A search went on for him, no luck. Other units were called to look for him, nothing. They went to his house asking his wife if he was suicidal and stuff. They started to empty a lake out to see if he fell in, nothing. Hours went by and nothing. Well by early evening we get a phone call, he was found. He trekked a few miles off course, was hungry, only eating skittles that he had in his pocket, and ended up on a autobahn (german highway). He found a phone booth on the side of the road and called for help. The operator knew he was the missing soldier and he got picked up and returned to us. And all we could do was laugh at him.

#2:

Pichon and I were going to a German range to shoot the German Military's weapons. We had to meet at our office along with 30 other people. While we waited for them they said go hang out and we'll call you guys when we're ready. Well we were on the computers and some time went by. We were like are we ever gonna leave? beforehand our unit was told if we talked bad about the unit we would get an article 15. It was pretty quiet . Pichon was like they left us, I was like no way. Then he brought up the unit thing, so to prove they left he said "I HATE THIS ******* UNIT!" and it was quiet... Turns out we got locked in the building. We called our NCO who was in the van with some of the Soldiers. Pichon was like hey SSG Jackson, how's it going? He was like all it's ok... Then Pichon was like, Ummm aren't you missing 2 of us? SSG Jackson said "OH ****! 2 SOLDIERS ARE MISSING! WE LOCKED THEM IN THE BUILDING!". So they had to turn around 30 minutes into the drive, to come get us.

Answer 2

Imagine a big bulky strong NCO, real earthy, corn bread eaten, country born and raised leader from the south.

You're on a training exercise.  It's summer.

Now imagine your on guard duty at the top of hill right before entering your restricted area.  

It's night time, pitch black.  You're teamed with one other soldier so you're talking some c**p, having a little fun.  

All of a sudden, you hear "BANG".  Maybe it's OPFOR, someone shooting blanks.  Maybe we're about to be flanked by the enemy--all you just heard was "BANG"....

Again, you hear another BANG, then you hear an engine.  Sounds like a HUMVEE--actually you know that sound anywhere.  BANG, engine noise, BANG, acceleration engine noise, BANG.  

Now you're getting a little ancy.  So is your buddy.

You now hear the same noise more aggresively.  BANG, 2 sec, BANG, acc eng noise, BANG, acc engine noise, BANG.  This is repeated for 10 minutes.

Then all of sudden you hear just engine noise and it's getting louder.  OK.  You know it's coming so we're ready to challenge the intrudere.

Vehicle in sight.  I challenge him with "sure is COLD out here".  He replies. (and it's that NCO).  "**** you all" "I forgot the password."  "I just hit a tree, reversed, hit another tree and then got caught in between two ******* trees for the last 15 minutes".

My buddy and I cried laughing.  

Answer 3

I use to have a Platoon Sgt who would go to the clubs and party every night. Well one morning we noticed he wasn't back from the night prior. We looked everywhere. We even found his ID card in a jacket outside the barracks. After about an hour and a half of searching, we became worried that he may have gone back off post and couldnt get back on due to no ID.

Then, after chow, I happened to walk by the trailblazer we were using to carpool at the time. Sure enough, there he was, curled up in a ball drooling on himself. I promptly woke him up and informed him that we had to be at work in half an hour. Good times.

Another time we were getting a new female LT. She, as most officers do, wanted to introduce herself to everyone in our section at the same time. So we gathered around and she introduced herself. She then asked everyone to introduce themselves. But, before anyone did, she made the comment,"Now, I'm bad with names, so forgive me if I forget anyone's." I respectfully reminded her that we all have name tags on our uniforms.