Uh I think I just got the birds & bees question from my 4-year-old?

Question

I'm a single mom. His father and I seperated about a year and a half ago and hasn't made much effort to be in the picture since. Doesn't even pay child support.

We were in the car on our daily commute and he asked if he could have a little brother like Noah (a kid in his class) has. I didn't know what to say so I said "Not right now sweetheart, I can't just make a baby and they cost a lot of money". So he tried to convince me with "You can just grow one in your tummy and then he will look just like me but little. I will help you push the stroller". I told him "It's not that simple. I can't just have a baby because I want one, it takes a lot of time and work and I just can't do that right now". He left it alone for a minute, then he asked "Well how does the baby get in your tummy? Do we have to buy it?" at which point I said I would tell him when he's older.

I freaked, I know. How could I have handled this better? I dont want to lie to him but he's too young to understand, right?

Answer 1

At this point, children just ask questions when they pop into their heads. You want to come up with a short, age appropriate answer.

If he doesn't ask again, let it be but be thinking of an answer for the next time. Most children are satisfyed by a short answer at this age. If you go into all the details you might have even tougher questions to answer and he probably isn't looking for the scientific answer.

Good luck! I think you're doing great!

Answer 2

My son is 3 and he thinks that babies come out of Mommy's belly button (I had a C-section and he saw the incision but still thinks they come out of the belly button). He asked me a couple days ago how babies get in your belly and I told him that babies were put in your tummy when a Mommy and Daddy think they might be ready to have one. He said, "Well, who throws it in there when you are ready?" To which I simply responded, "Daddy."

Answer 3

It's hard not to panic at those kinds of questions, but try to think in age appropriate terms.  He doesn't really want to know the "mechanics" of how a baby gets there and wouldn't remember or understand if you did try to explain that to him.  Start with what he does know.  He knows he has a mommy and a daddy and he knows that other children have a mommy and a daddy, so begin with the fact that all babies need a mommy and a daddy.  Something like, "A baby grows in a mommy's tummy when both the mommy and the daddy decide it's time to have a baby.  Right now I couldn't have a baby because there is no daddy for him."  Of course, he'll likely offer his daddy for the task and depending on what relationship, if any, he has with his dad, you'll have to tread gently on why his daddy couldn't be the daddy of his baby brother.  Be sure to tell him that babies aren't bought, but it takes money to take care of one.  You'll want to take your presonal and moral beliefs into consideration when speaking about this subject.  It may seem easiest to just let this slip by thinking he'll have forgotten about it, but it isn't likely that he has.  I suggest you sit him down and bring up the subject with him.  Tell him you thought about his question in the car and you think he's old enough to understand (and he is) about babies needing both a mom and a dad.  Our family is very strong pro-marriage and I always talked to our children in terms of having children within a committed and loving marriage relationship.  My kids are older now, ages 29, 26, 23, and 10, plus I have provided child care in my home for 20 years, so I've had plenty of experience talking about s*x with kids.  The best advice I can give is to take a few deep breaths and think about age appropriate answers to the tough questions.  Try not to read too much into a question either.  Answer with simple sentences and ideas and let him ask further questions of clarification if he wants to.  Personally, I think s*x eduction is an on going subject.  You can Google something like "talking to children about s*x" or visit your local library or bookstore.  There are many excellent books on the subject, some written for parents and some written for children.

Answer 4

Welcome to parenthood!

Believe it or not, this happens to every Mom sooner or later.

At his age, the attention span is short (unless you want it to be).  

You did well.  

One should answer the questions honestly, but without graphical details. Usually, the little one will lose interest and ask something like why Cheerios come in boxes.

When you feel the time is right, and he initiates the subject, you can  tell him the age old story about how when a mommy and a daddy loveeach other, God plants a seed in the mommy that becomes a baby.

It really is the truth - just stop andthink about it.

That should help him to understand that mommies don't have babies all by themselves (well, it used to be that way).

You will do this just fine.  If you are still nervous, go to the library and get abook or two on how to tell children about this.

Answer 5

in the car on your daily commute was hardly the right time for such a conversation. @ 4, he'll soon be distracted by something else.

Answer 6

I think you should be honest with him. My daughter is 4 and a half and she knows a little about being pregnant. No, she doesn't know how a baby gets there, but says they come out of mummys bums (close enough). If she ever asked how the baby got there, I wouldn't be completely honest. Something along the lines of, when 2 people love each other very much, they make a baby. If she then asks how (as most are full of questions) Id then say, Mummy will tell you when your a bit older.

Answer 7

My son asked this last year he was 5.  HA!  I know the look on your face when he asked as my jaw hit the floor.  We were also in the car and I just told him that babies come from Heaven and Jesus decides when the baby is put in mommies tummy.  He left it at that and then I went home told my hubby that I laid the ground work any other questions he has to answer!  hehe

Answer 8

Awesome.

I think you did well being put on the spot, and you've got some good answers up there (I particularly like the "mommy and daddy choose to have a baby" answers, rather than the "product of love" kinds of answers for your situation).

Answer 9

I think you handled it pretty well. I mean, you didn't wreck the car or anything lol. My 5 year old son asked me recently how he got in my tummy and I just told him he grew there. He didn't ask me HOW he grew there- that was enough to satisfy him. His father has never been in the picture so this is a touchy subject for us, too. But at this age just saying a baby grows there is enough, I think. I like the suggestion of saying God decided when the baby would grow there, too. Sounds simple enough.=]  I also see a lot of people suggesting you say "when a mommy and daddy love each other"... but that is a lot more complicated when there is no daddy. :/ I don't think I'd introduce that concept just yet.

Answer 10

I think you should tell him a little bit so he doesnt think he has to go out and buy one (lol, how cute)  but obviously I dont think going the whole graphic details is a good way to go.  Because you are separated and are probably going to have to be with another man to have another child maybe instead of saying Mummy's and Daddy's you should say Husband's and Wives so your little one doesnt think that his Dad has to come back to get a bro.

  So you could say, when a Man and a Woman love each other very much, they get married.  Then the man gives the woman a gift of love, which grows inside her belly and then after about 9 months when the love is nice and big, it comes out of the belly in the hospital as a pretty little baby.

  Then maybe you could say that you are not married anymore, but maybe one day you will be again and you will get a new gift of love etc etc?

God its difficult when they are that young isnt it?

I remember having 2 books when I was pretty young, probably like 6 or 7,

One was called, 'Where do Baby's come from' and the other was 'What's happening to me'  it basically told you the story without the graphic details.  

  Lol I remember asking my older brother and sister questions and they just confused me.  I asked my older sister "why is the sky blue" and she told me it reflects off the sea.  Then I asked her why is the sea blue and she told me "it reflects off the sky".  I asked my brother "where do baby's come from" and he told me "from your butt"  which unfortunately I believed until I was 10.  My siblings were little jerks...lol

Answer 11

I think you handled it alright- if he's like my daughter, his curiosity will pass with the sight of a puppy on the street corner.

I think if he asks next time, you can address the situation with a G-rated answer. Maybe tell him that it takes two people, a boy & a girl, to make a baby. Gee, I don't know, maybe say that the boy has a seed that he plants in the girl? On second thought, that sounds corny. BUt I would leave out the stork- I think that'll confuse him more....I agree with you that he's just a bit young to understand the whole dynamic of it- in fact, it makes me wonder what age is appropriate. Aw heck, I think you're just being hard on yourself, sound like you have a smart little boy. Good luck!

Answer 12

How sweet!  I love how children view the world : )  You handled it well.  4 years old is really too young to understand the truth.  I'm pregnant right now, and my 3 and 6 year old boys have been asking lots of questions.  I've told them that God took a part of Mommy and a part of Daddy and put them together to grow a baby in my tummy.  That seemed to be a good enough answer for them.

Answer 13

You need to be honest, without going into too much detail.  When I was pg with my youngest, all of his siblings wanted to know how that baby got there.  I told them that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby, and if we love each other-we can make a baby together.  Then I had to explain how the baby would grow in my tummy and how it would get out...  Keep it simple, but be honest and he will be satisfied.  Good luck.

Answer 14

Only give kids the maximum info they need. Just saying "A baby is made when a mummy and daddy want one and love each other very much" is usually enough at this age. Expand on it if they as more but don't offer up loads of information unless they ask for it. Explaining the whole thing to a 4 year old would only confuse him anyway. You handled it quite well though-why do kids ask at the most inappropriate times too? I have 3 boys all at different ages-the 7 year old is in the middle and has an idea that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby, where the baby comes out of, how long it takes etc as he was very question filled during my pregnancy with his baby brother. My 11 year old and I have had the 'talk' and have spoken in great detail about it all (he's sat beside me reading this funnily enough!). You handled it well, just make sure you are ready for next time!

Answer 15

It is natural for children to be curious and some of them will ask while others will silently wonder.  Your acceptance of this and willingness to help him grow with understanding and morals is very good.  He is old enough to understand a little more so you could have continued and being clever, if he asked those last two questions together, you could have put off the big one by answering the latter one.  However, if he asked again how the baby gets in your tummy, you should have answered that question as well.

With each child it will be different, but generally, they can absorb a little information at a time.  If he continues to ask about that issue, you should continue to answer his questions.  That might be one area he grows faster than the average child and you should not hold him back in any faster growing area simply because he just does not seem to be old enough according to our society's table of growth norms.  They are just guidelines to prepare you, but if somebody learns to walk a little later, it is no cause for great alarm but just meant he did not have enough physical conditions to learn sooner so maybe he needs a little more attention in that area.

You should not answer his question immediately once you have an answer, but immediately when it is on his mind, to take advantage of his peaked interest and thus his peaked ability to understand.  Rewards, discipline, and teachable moments all work on this principle of fully handling the situation right then, before he forgets the connection.

To answer his question, you should prepare an answer for the next time it comes up.  Because he is so young, you could wait until it comes up naturally, or if you want, you could try to bring up his interest in the subject again such as if you see a pregnant woman and you say something like telling him it reminds you of how you looked when you were pregnant with him.  After he repeats the question, although possibly rephrased, you should begin with a continuation of your true explanation that it takes a lot of time and work and then you should expand the discussion by saying therefore mommies and daddies try to plan for babies for when the parents are better prepared.  You should also explain why it costs a lot of money, that babies are not bought, but it costs a lot of money to pay lots of people for their time and to pay them back for the money they spent on college and special medical equipment to help you care for the baby when it is small and weak and you are sick and sore.

If he keeps on asking more questions, keep answering them, but each time only offering the answer to the question.  So come up with some questions he can ask to further the discussion and then formulate some answers.

So if he asks when are you going to have another, you state your status so he understands that you need a man whom you knows and loves you and whom you know and love in return.  It takes time to get to know them and build that love.  

If he asks how babies are created, you could point out that babies are already boys and girls when they are created and God created them that way so that men and women who have made that decision to have a child are already built for it.

If he asks more about creation, you can say that men and women are created differently so that both a man and a women contribute DNA to create a baby that will have characteristics of both parents.  God made it so that the baby stays inside the mommy's tummy so she can care for and protect it until it is big enough and healthy enough to survive outside her tummy.

Again, if he asks for more information you can say that men and women fit together like jigsaw puzzles so they can get close enough to share their DNA.  Then you can try to show him a video or take him to a zoo or pet store to see some animals mating.

The next step, which will probably be immediately after the previous one, is to tell him which appendage of his is his sexual organ and what and where the corresponding organ is on the female.

Good luck and I hope you get plenty of advice that you can pick and choose what you feel will work best for you!