Uncontrollable 6 year old daughter

Question

I am a mother of 3 (9 yr boy, 6 yr girl, 4 yr girl). All well behaved, except my 6 yr old daughter. At a very young age she entered into the "terrible twos" I asked her doctor what how to handle the situation because my son (5 yr at at the time) hadn't ever acted this way. The doctor gave me some advice on the "terrible twos" and putting her in her room and/or time out seemed to work the best. My biggest problem as she got older was that every time we would get everything worked out and controllable, she would visit her biological father for the weekend. At her father's she is the only girl with four (yes I said four) brothers, which she is one of the youngest and I'm assuming she would get every last request. She would return home and it would be another long week from h**l before one good week and then another visit. I have spoke with her father, which claims "she doesn't act like that here" many times. One of the last BIG episodes we had my husband and I started videoing her. I have a few good clips and met with her father and showed him what we were dealing with on a regular basis. Let me say, these fits started out very slowly and turned into very fast, often fits. I like to say that she is still in her "terrible twos" but don't know what to do about it.

I feel we have been very consistent with all our punishments; however, we are getting no where! She began wetting the bed again and the fits are all the time. Our last 3 episodes contain: (1) Top of the lungs screaming fit in Target for telling her to walk down the aisle so that we could look at other backpacks for school (15 minutes after picking her up from her father's); (2) two days later running out into the road in front of our house telling the babysitter "she didn't have to listen to her and didn't want to take a nap". When the babysitter went to get her from the road, my daughter kicked her in the knee. So I came home from work and spanked her, told her not to leave her room until I returned from work which was 3 hours later, at which time my husband and I sat down and had a long talk, mostly calm, but heated at times to stress more important points, expectations, and consequences of future behavior issues; and more recent (3) today, she was told by her babysitter again to go into time out for fighting with her 4 yr old sister and instead of cooperating she chose to run out the front door and into the middle of a very busy country highway with limited visibility to the many speeding cars that frequent that road in front of the babysitters house. When the babysitter went after her, she ran further down the road screaming and crying. Once the babysitter was able to catch her and pick her up to carry her to safety, she bit her on the arm. The babysitter called, scared to death and, again, I had to come from work as fast as I could to get her and take her home. My husband and I are out of ideas, other than counseling which is going to be difficult to afford right now. We've tried being strict, stern, and authoritative. We've tried being calm and collected and respectful and understanding and loving, but concerned and asking her to work with us as if she were a "big kid". We've tried spankings, time-outs, groundings (with loss of toys and privileges). We've tried phone calls with her biological father who doesn't have this problem with her, but whom she still does not want to upset. WHAT ARE WE MISSING!?!?! Any ideas, suggestions, solutions would be wonderful, and please keep in mind that my husband and I are not afraid to accept that it may be something we are doing wrong and not her. Either way, we have to fix this!

Thank you,

Concerned Mother

Answer 1

The best guess I could have is that maybe it's a seperation issue if she's acting like that when she leaves her fathers house or hope this isn't it but maybe something is happeing to her there. I would think that the best thing to do is counselling yes its expensive, but it would probablly help her also try talking calmly to her and seeing whats the issue like if she is feeling left out or not getting enough time with you maybe do a mommy daughter day with just you and her maybe she just needs to have time with just you.

Answer 2

When she hurts someone physically you should put a bar of soap in her mouth (it will not hurt her) and warn her in the morning that if you get a call at work about you being bad you will get that soap bar when I get home. Also, when she screamed at the top of her lungs in the Target store you should have taken her to the ladies room and give her a spanken (not abusively, just to get her attention) and give her a stern talk.

Answer 3

It sounds like you are at your wits end!  I would be too!  You sound like you really want to help your daughter.  Have you taken her to see your doctor lately?  She is pretty old to still be doing the "terrible twos."  There may be more going on than just anger (although that may be part of it).  Also, I am not saying her father is lying but often dads don't see the behavior because a) they don't want to b) they have different expectations / tolerance level or c) your daughter gets her way all the time while with him.  I see this a lot in school when trying to help a struggling child - we get two different stories from mom and dad.  Do you have a guidance counselor at her school?  That may be a way to get some counseling for free.  They may refer you to another counselor for her to see full time but it wouldn't hurt to get their opinion.  Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

Sounds like you need to call Nanny 911

Answer 5

Honestly,

            it could be consistency with regards to the discipline.  My mother and father split when i was one years old.  When i was rude, my mother would call my father and he would come around and they would discipline me together.  So, no playing one off against the other.

Also, Is the man of the house your youngest child's father, if so that may be a problem.  Maybe she wants her mum and dad to be together and is acting out.  

The grass is always greener ( dad's house)

It might be a good idea to spend alone time with her doing something just the two of you.  You may of not had the time to give her the attention that she may of needed as a child because of the third child.

( I take my hat off to you with three children because it is difficult  to do it all).

She could be attention seeking and acting out the only way she knows how.  Bad attention for just her is better than no attention for just her at all. (You come all the way home from work just for her, great).

She is not a bad child, she needs her mothers attention.  

Answer 6

You need to go on Dr Phil.

Good Luck

Answer 7

You are blaming the child for something the clearly is NOT her fault.  What you are missing is right in front of your nose.  You and her father are not on the same page as far as discipline.  You claim consitency however there is NONE if you discipline and he does not.  Sibling rivalry is quite normal at any age.  I have 6 siblings myself and not a day went by when at least two of us got into it.  Spanking isn't going to helpe because all you are doing is reinforcing that it's okay to hit, especially when you'r efrustrated.  So nope even YOU haven't been consistent.  Children need clear consice CONSISTENT rules whether they are at their mother's or their father's home, those rules must be totally across the board.  What goes on at mom's needs to go on at dads.  If bedtime at mom's is 8:00pm then bedtime at dad's needs to be 8:00pm.  Privlieges are not handed out at will and then removed.  Privliges are what a child EARNS.  If you allow your daugther to watch television one day, and then she misbehaves and don't allow her to watch the next she knows that all she has to do is wait until the third day and she will get to watch television again.  That is totally ineffective and it isn't a privlige.  You need to set rules and boundaries and LIMITS on priviliges, for example my kids don't get to watch television, play video games, have computer time UNLESS they have behaved that day.  If they haven't behaved they haven't EARNED the privilige of say watching television.  I have never taken a privlige away because I don't give them until they have been earned and the time limit for television/video games/computer in my house is an hour and ALL three are monitored and supervised by myself.  Of course in the event that the computer is needed longer for a school project I will allow it but to "play" online they are limited to an hour a day, and this includes weekends and holidays.  Keep in mind as well that ALL the rules must apply to ALL of the children in your home, and not just one child.

Answer 8

There has to be a reason why she is acting out, is something going on at her father's you don't know about? I don't want to say, it but if she's acting out this way after leaving her fathers I would look into it. Ask her why she acts the way she does, why she gets mad so easily. Sometimes it's better to get it from the source and not guess. As for her running out of the house and into the street, I would put a lock on the door, maybe a dead bolt or a chain lock on the top where she cannot reach. She MUST be taught not to leave the house on her own and run into traffic. It's more important then her acting out, because THAT will get her killed.

Seek help from a doctor is my best advice, maybe it's not what you and your husband are doing but something going on inside of her.

Answer 9

I'm thinking she's really angry about mommy and daddy not being together, and she's acting out.  It's very confusing at that age to have mommy's house and daddy's house...and, it is even harder for her when the rules are different in both places.  Unfortunately for you, that is out of your control.  It's so unfair that in situations like this, the custodial parent always seems to have to be the heavy.

When my husband was little, his mom and step-dad could never get him to clean his room.  Since he only got visits with his dad, it was very important to him that Daddy always have a good impression of him.  So his step-dad got the camera, went into his room, and started snapping pictures.  He came running in asking what in the world he was doing taking pictures of his dirty room, and his step dad said he was going to send them to his Daddy so he could see how he keeps his room.  My husband was beside himself...he couldn't bear for his dad to know the truth.  So he quickly cleaned his room.  Start carrying your video camera around, and when daughter starts acting up, ask her if she'd like her daddy to see her behaving this way.  She probably wouldn't.

Answer 10

This is a hard one and I understand to a degree. My step-daughter acted the same after seeing her mom. Lucky for me her mom is in a different state and due to legal reasons is no longer allowed to see her. I did end up putting her in counseling. The councilor thought she had been abused by her step-dad though my daughter did not admit to it. I know counseling can be expensive. Is there any way you might qualify for something like medicaid. They cover psychological help as well. Other than that you may need to evaluate what goes on at her dad's. Do the other boys treat her badly? or maybe a step-mom? If it is nothing like that and you are sure of it, try having a three-way conversation with her and her dad (no one else) every time you pick her up and drop her off. Let her know of your expectations and of the consequences of her actions, whether they are good or bad. Don't forget to praise when she doesn't act up. One last thought, perhaps her dad lets her get overstimulated. With all those boys that would be easy to do. Rather than taking her somewhere directly after leaving her dad's, perhaps she should go home and nap or rest for a day or two. Tired kids are cranky kids. I know my 6 year old is just plain mean when she is tired and an angel otherwise. Good luck.