Under Martian Skies (A Rondeau) revisited. Is it better now?

Question

Under Martian Skies (A Rondeau)

by Elaine Polin

Under Martian skies, poets sing,

With magic words our poems ring,

We have set forth from far-off lands,

Bravely left Earth and its demands

To learn what a new home might bring.

Minions are we; our years did bring

Disease, hatred, poverty's sting,

But now our poems joyful stand

Under Martian skies.

To Mother Earth our words we fling,

Beneath two moons we’re queen and king.

A million stars from Heaven’s band,

Above this blesséd virgin sand.

Glow with our songs as they take wing

Under Martian skies.

Answer 1

Rules—Schmools!

Here is my suggestion: You need to firmly set the meter in the first line. Regarde'...

"With magic words our poems ring,

As under Martian skies we sing,"

Answer 2

Now that we have an Anthem, have you thought about a design for the flag?  It's beautiful and it sings!

Answer 3

I love the poem. I'll have to study the form to decide how it conforms (us free verse people can be lazy). It looks like a nice one to try though. Smooth progression of thought throughout--nothing forced.

Answer 4

I can say nothing, as that would be pupil critiquing the master. Thitherforth, I speak only the truth. Lovely, and I cannot wait to stand under the flag that I presume one of us must design and belting out the anthem to Mars.

Answer 5

It is above all else (to me) musical... full of hope... vivid.

Sounds to me like your living a dream, beats being lost in space as I do occasionally between the ears.

Answer 6

I remember reading the original, and thinking it the best rondeau I had seen on this site; I liked it so much I forgot a few rhymes were missing.  This certainly fixes them, within an epsilon of the terminal -s (lands/ demands/ stand/ band/ sand).

I lament much in the old last stanza; I liked very much the logic of the picturesque in `queen and king,' via, `a million stars crown us on this night.'  If you could find a way to retain that sense, it would be perfect.  For this new coronation, I am also not sure about the contraction, `we're,' because this poem does not use contractions otherwise, and a coronation is the most formal of occasions.  It jars, I feel, against the wonderful sacerdotal sense in sanctifying blessèd sand, and the studiedly formal syntax elsewhere, as `minions are we.'  In the opening, I personally preferred, `and so, to you' to, `To Mother Earth,' because the old version involves the reader more in the poem.

This version also sees substantial regularisation of the metre, which particluarly in the third stanza I find pleasant to the ear.  But lines 1, 4, 5, 6, and 7 are not technically iambic tetrameter, with varying degrees of sonoral success, as I read them.  Of these, I love the natural caesura in line 6 (`--`|-`-`), but I feel line 7 chokes (-``-`--`), and I preferred the sound of the old version.  Line 5 is quite good, with the spondee concentrated on the important `new home' (-`--``-`).  Line 4 scans the same as line 6, but perhaps because it has a weaker caesura, it is less satisfying to me.  Line 1, I feel, illustrates a common dilemma: how to use a trochaic metre in an iambic poem.  The two options are adding an extra syllable, or flipping the verse somewhere, as accomplished here with a natural pause.  I preferred the original version (`under Martian skies, we poets sing'); for although it was the only nine-syllable line in the poem, the trochaic beat had a strength that seemed appropriate for an introduction to a poem like this.  

Thank you; I really loved this poem.  The rondeau is very hard to write with a continuous logic that also encompasses the refrain, as you have done so well.

Answer 7

I agree with the lovely CS.

Automatically makes me want to sing

"Alons enfants de la patrie

Le jour de gloire est arrivée"

Merci beacoup Elaine!

Answer 8

Well, if it reads well when I read aloud, and seems to be structured correctly, does a strict pattern of meter matter?  I myself think not.  I did not find a reference other that the 8 beats, rhyme and 4 beat refrain.  I could be wrong.  This however, flows exceedingly well, is more importantly cohesive and above all, fun to read.  I guess I will give you a thumbs up!

Answer 9

i love reading you martian people.....very cool...