Unfair treatment?

Question

I was previously married and we had a daughter. Things didn't work out and I eventually remarried. I now have a 2 year old son with my husband. I have been noticing for a long time that my 5 year old daughter gets treated so unfair by him. He says that it is because of her age and she should know better. My son gets away with murder. I have pointed it out several times but it just causes a big fight. If she cries at night cuz she is scared he gets mad at her and ends up yelling at her to be quiet and go to bed. Then he shut the door (which i opened back up) and if my son gets scared he will go sleep in bed with him. She is constantly getting in trouble for things that i think are perfectly normal for a 5 year old. and honestly i think because of his strict nature with her she is better than most 5 year olds. My son can do the same thing and not get in trouble. I stick up for my daughter but i dont want to degrade my husband in front of her. How do i talk about it without fighting?

Answer 1

You are right that you should try to be consistent as parents, especially in front of the children.  You need to get your parenting styles more on track together and less at odds with each other since it will only get harder as your kids get older.  This may not be as much of a biological thing and could be a gender difference (is he uncomfortable with a girl that gives sass?) or even just a lack of understanding of what is developmentally appropriate.  Does he know much about child development and kids' abilities at different ages?  Is he open to reading books or articles that you show him?  

Check out Karen Miller's book "Ages and Stages: Developmental Descriptions and Activities, Birth Through Eight Years".  Another really great resource is John Gottman's book "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" and also Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles".  Even if he doesn't read the books himself, you can name-drop from these credible sources so it doesn't become a power struggle between you and him.  For instance you'd say, "In the Miller book, I read that a lot of children her age say things like.... when they really mean....  I wonder if she is doing the same thing" or "The Gottman principles might be really important to use when she is being like this.  Let's try...."  Eventually, if you use these expert names long enough, he might start citing the experts himself or asking you what does Gottman say about this sort of thing.  This works on my husband!  Give it a try.

Answer 2

Try to talk to him calmly and explain it to him. I am kind of in the same situation. I have two kids from an idiot and now I have a new wonderful husband. He treats my daughter like a princess (not his daughter) and my son (not his son) like a t**d. We fight about discipline all the time! He was raised totally different than me. Some of his rules are so stupid!! I try to take him in the bedroom and talk to him calmly about it and ask him to think about what I'm saying. Sometimes it works. Just don't say things in front of the kids. I do that and it makes him so mad! You can't blame him, but I want to defend my kids sometimes!

Answer 3

U and ur husband definetly need to sit down, and get on tha same page. I understand ur commitment to him as ur husband, but ur daughter is ur child, it is ur job to raise her correctly, and not let someone else, despite who it is, discipline her in a way that is unnecessary. Being five years old, whether she is mature, and knows better or not, she is still a child who needs direction, as well as comfort, not a 25 year old. Explain this to him. She may grow up with a complex, feeling like tha unwanted child!  it's okay for her to be scared at night, just like ur 2 year old. Unless u feel that she is just putting on a show for attention. Bottom line, u and ur husband need to be united on decisions, not divided, and undermining one another, If he is not someone willing to compromise then maybe he was where u made a mistake. But i definetly think that ur correct to feel tha way that u do.

Answer 4

There may not be a way to talk to him without arguing about it. But you need to talk to him.

Your daughter doesn't deserve the treatment she is getting from him. She may not be his biological daughter, but he is her dad, none-the-less and should treat both his kids equally.

It can also effect the relationship between the two siblings. I'm sure she has notice the unfair treatment she is getting too.

This needs to be nipped in the butt asap.

Answer 5

You should definitly talk to your hubby about it, but in a calm way, if your hubby will allow.  

One thing to think about though might be he has a different bond with your son than your daughter, and may not be because your daughter is from a different father, but because she is a girl and he isn't quite sure how to bond with her.

My sisters ex and her had 2 kids a boy and a girl.  It was the same thing, my nephew was able to get away with murder and my niece always got yelled at.  All she really wanted was her daddy's attention.

Some things that started to help was when they started going on daddy daughter outings.  It really comes down to them developing a relationship, a good one.  He needs to start with having patience.  Girls can be a bit more emotional than boys and some guys just don't know how to deal with it, so they just tell them to get over it.  

You might be able to quietly suggest they start doing things so he can start finding out what her intersts are and such.  Remember too that guys are more likely to do things when they think it's their idea, so if there is anyway you can get him to start doing one on one things, even if it's going to the park or something, it might help.

Good luck!