Untitled poem(critique please)?

Question

The time came to say goodbye

The curse took you away

Light or dark

It doesn’t matter no more

The sun shines

I believe its you

You’re always around

You’re the silent song

The one I can’t get out of my head

You filled me with hope

Now it’s just a shadow

Of the things that could have been

Nights go upswept

You’re just a memory now

Soon it will fade

I look up at the twilight sky then I wonder why

There’s nothing for me there

I sit and listen

To the night air

All I hear is my weeping

For you and me

For the things that could have been

Do you even remember me?

Do you even care?

When you went

A piece of me did too

I’m trying to live without you

Can’t help but miss you

I’m waiting for your silent melody

To drift away the loss of you

I wait for you at our table

But you’re gone

I wanted to tell you what went wrong

Why’d you go?

We could have had it all

Now it’s just me

Sitting here and weeping

My eyes turn cold

I’m all alone

No one to hold

No one to love

Answer 1

Lovely, universal meaning behind the poem.

As a simple critique I would suggest editing for punctuation and mechanics (I tell everybody that--not that I'm a English professor or anything but punctuation is necessary for the reader). As you edit for punctuation you'll notice the rhythm change and word adjustments will come naturally as your line structures change.

Also, L4 has a double negative--maybe change to "It does not matter anymore".

Answer 2

You must have an amazing soul, because your words speak to me when  reading your poem.

Answer 3

did you step into my soul??? amazing words...things i cant put into words yet...i am rocking.

Answer 4

It makes me feel sad. So if that is what you were trying to do, then it is very good. Always right what you feel. Don't always care what others think. This is pretty good.

Answer 5

Very moving and real.

Answer 6

that is really good. beautiful rythm, and flows very well.

Answer 7

wow from 1 poet 2 another, ur poem is BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Answer 8

Wow- it's amazing. It flows beautifully and it's so powerful- even though I haven't a clue what it means :)

You asked for critique, but I could only find one thing that didnt seem quite right- the fourth line 'It doesn't matter no more'

I'm not sure whats wrong with it but it doesn't quite seem to work- I think either 'It don't matter no more' or 'It doesn't matter anymore' fit better. Sorry- I don't know why but thats just my opinion :)

Other than that tiny weeny bit, seriously its fantastic.

Keep it up and good luck! Rachel :)

Answer 9

Very interesting work, strong and passionate.  Had you considered breaking this into stanzas?  It might have even more punch.  Keep writing!

Answer 10

It's okay I like urban poets better. Like def poetry jam poems but this one is okay to me. it seems like it's lacking feeling it flow but drags at the same time in my eyes. Try going to you tube and looking at Def poetry it will give you some real good idea. Give you more feeling to your poems and help them not drag.

Answer 11

the silent song

Answer 12

You did write it? wow....it just flows so gracefully and each line seeps into the next so poetically. It posseses such poetic grace in all it's beauty.

I wait for you at our table

But you’re gone

I wanted to tell you what went wrong

Why’d you go?

We could have had it all

Now it’s just me

Lines like that evoke so much mystery and emotion, I almost have no clue what it means, just the beauty of your words pulls me in it is irrelevent. The choise of words just floored me. This poem is a pure work of art that takes the reader on a journey they will never forget *cough*

1/10

Answer 13

It's very heartfelt.

Try to avoid overused lines like When you went a piece of me did too.

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