Unwanted flower girl....?

Question

We are planning on having about 100 guests at our wedding and 2 bridal party members each.

When a friend of mine got pregnant she used to talk about how fun it would be for her daughter to be my flower girl. I was with my fiancee at the time but we knew we wouldn't be doing the huge wedding party like she had at her wedding. I let it go since we weren't even engaged at the time. Once we got engaged she talked to her mom about colors and stuff...for MY wedding. I pretty much ignored it not wanting to make a huge deal. She was already set straight after she assumed she was a bridesmaid when in fact it's only my step-mother and the woman who has been like one since my mom died.

Now she has told her daugher and our friends/family that her daughter is the flower girl and actually brought a dress without my knowing. It's the wrong colors/style (the colors she chose for us..not ours) and we didn't even want a flowergirl in the first place! How can I get her to knock it off?

Answer 1

Simple....tell her point blank that there is NO flower girl and that you and your fiance prefer not to have one...if she approaches you.

If she doesn't, well then how will her daughter be a flower girl if she's not asked to? So don't ask......eventually she will have to, then THAT'S when you tell her no flower girl, just two adult attendants each......after all you had no trouble telling her she wasn't a bride's maid...so there shouldn't be any trouble now.....and after all, if she gets no invite to the bridal rehearsal, and only receives a guest's invite...isn't she smart enough to figure it out then? is she starts babbling on about her daughter's flower girl dress to you, just tell her point blank....'What flower girl.....I'm not having any flower girl, or any child in my wedding party, so what are you talking about?'

You let the ones that need to know that you're not having a flower girl,only a total of 4 adult attendants and that's that...quite frankly she can run her fantasies off on anyone and you'd spend an entire lifetime running after her telling them no......So, when no flower girl appears on your wedding day, the guests that have been mis-informed by your friend will figure out that they have been exactly that, mis-informed.....as far as what she told her daughter, that's her bad, not yours...if the child mentions it to you, gently tell her that Mommy made a mistake, you're not having any children in the bridal party......let the gal deal with the fallout she's creating....you, just tell she can wear her pretty new dress to the wedding (if you are allowing kids)  concentrate on your wedding plans....good luck.

Answer 2

Wow.  

I agree with the majority.  Thank her for loving you so much and wanting to help out with the wedding... then break the bad news.  "I already have a flower girl"/"I'm not having a flower girl and I'm sorry that you thought otherwise.  It was never my intention to mislead you.  I hope you understand."

You are nowhere near in the wrong and if she tries to guilt trip you or make you feel bad, just remember that you didn't plan her wedding, she shouldn't be planning yours.

Good luck and congratulations.

Answer 3

OMG, I thought I was the only one who something like this happened to.  I had a co-worker who had a 6 year old daughter.  When I got engaged, she would constantly tell me that all her daughters little girlfriends had gotten to be flowergirls, and she was the only one who had not, and that no one in their family was even close to the marrying stage and their family was very small, so this little girl felt so bad that she would never be a flower girl like her friends.  Eventually, she had me feeling so bad for her daughter that I broke down an asked her to be a flower girl...even tho we were never going to have one and there were no children even at the wedding.  So basically I caved, but I did have to put my foot down when her "duties" got to be way overboard (due to mom) and then mom was calling me the night before the wedding telling me how the little girl was crying cause she couldnt do "such and what".  At the time it was a nightmare.  But now looking back, it really wasnt that big of a deal.  The little girl got to fulfill something she really wanted and wasnt able to do any other way.  Although she probably doesnt even remember it anymore, she got to be just like her little friends, and that makes me feel good.  Good luck, whatever you decide.

Answer 4

Well, that was a little rude of your friend.   But, you're stuck with a flower girl.  You can't think of your friend, you MUST think of the poor little girl.  She's probably got her heart set on being a flower girl and you can't go break her heart because her mom's a little flakey.

Talk to your friend and have her get the correct dress. In the conversation, mention something about being surprised that you went out and got the first dress without consulting her.  The flower girl has such a small part in the wedding that it's over in 2 seconds.

Answer 5

You may not be able to get her to knock it off; it sounds like she is counting on you caving in since she is being pushy.  If you don't want her, though, then don't have her.

You need to just keep all the info. from her.  Don't let her know when or where the rehearsal is.  

At the wedding, have your director or coordinator on the lookout for her & she can be the bad guy for you.  Do not let her send her down the aisle.  If this "friend" tries to get her daughter into the lineup, have the coordinator very nicely, but firmly, tell her that there is no flowergirl for this ceremony & they need to take a seat or she'll have to ask them to leave.  

Hopefully it won't come to this, but some people are very interested in having their children participate in things to the point of getting out of control sometimes.

Have your real friends, family, coordinator and ushers on the lookout for her the day of & have them head her off at the pass!

Answer 6

You need to bite the bullet and be firm but as kind as you can be.  See her in person if you can so there is no miscommunication through the grapevine or email taken out of context or claimed not to have been received (though you could follow up with email copied if  you want to YOUR stepmom or someone else mutually involved.)

In person buy her coffee if you can and have it be only the two of you.

Sarah -- I heard you bought Gracie a flower girl dress and you have been telling people she is flower girl in my wedding. This confuses me because I have never asked her to be flower girl  and I am pretty sure you knew I was not having anyone as a flower girl. What`s up.

Let her speak. Vent if she has to. Maybe there will be a logical explanation. Probably not. But I do suggest seeing if you can meet for coffee or something like that in a public place rather than having the conversation in front of her daughter or anything.  Plus perhaps she won`t freak out too much at you when you do not need the stress. I mean it sounds like she is pretty high maintenance.

Hopefully she won`t freak out at all but if she does you use a kind tone of voice but stay true to your view.

``But I spent money on the dress!``

``I did not ask you to do that. Gracie was never a flower girl.``

``But I already told her!``

``I am sorry you have to deal with giving her the wrong information but unfortunately that is what happened.``

``What is wrong with having her as flower girl? Why won`t you?``

``Because I decided for my wedding I was not having a flower girl or any other parts of a bigger wedding party. It is nothing to do with Gracie or you -- only that I wanted things small.``

``But Gracie is looking forward to it!``

``Again I am sorry Gracie has to face the fact that you gave her the incorrect information but I never asked her to be flower girl and was never going to. I cannot wait to see her there as a guest but I cannot change my mind on this.``

Follow up with an email:

Sarah:

I wanted to follow up to our conversation at the Coffee Bean today. I hope I did not hurt your feelings because I definitely did not intend to do so but you do need to know that only Colleen and Leah are in my wedding -- no one else. And that Ben and me never wanted a flower girl or ringbearer. It is nothing at all about you or Gracie -- only that we are having a smaller scale wedding without flower girls and such.

I hope this is the last time I hear about anyone thinking you or Gracie is in the wedding. I absolutely look forward to you and Gracie being guests and hope you understand that our wedding party is very small and mostly family.

Thanks for understanding and being awesome about this. It was a hard decision to only have my mom-like-figures as bridesmaids but in the end that is what I decided was best for my wedding.

Love

Kate

Hope it all gets worked out. What a pain.