Update on my Poem from the last Question. Please tell me what you think

Question

"She lays here in her own tears, drowning herself in her troubles

See nothing well we hear nothing either melt away nothing to see her.

As her pain grows no one helps her. They stand in a circle around her. Watching her breath her last breath. No one cares about her life thinking hers is better to risk. They start to walk away one by one not caring if she is still alive. They act like they saw nothing. Will someone help her? Will she make it to her parents? Finally she hears some one scream for help. A man runs to her side and cradles her in his arms. He tells her everything will be ok....he saved her...He took her to a hospital and visited her everyday.

Now shes a mother of two with the man that saved her. He saved her the day no one would."

PLEASE tell me what you think

AND if you think of a name for it please tell me

THANKS!!

Answer 1

I would start the poem with "As her pain grows, no one helps her." It is a real emotional grabber. I would just leave out the two lines before that. It is a really engaging piece and draws the reader in right away. Very good creative effort.

I would title it, "Better To Risk". It is a phrase from the piece. It would have the double meaning of the people who abandoned her, considering her life as "better to risk". But it also speaks to the risk the man took to help her and the risk she took to trust him. In that context, the risk they both took to help and to trust was truly better.