Upset over my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend...?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we live together and and love him very much. Our relationship is a happy one except for one issue which we argue over and is taking over the relationship and ruining it. This issue is his ex girlfriend who he was with for 2 and a half years and lived with. The relationship ended about 4 years ago but they remained close friends. He is also managing a property which she owns in Cardiff where my boyfriend and I now live (she lives near London.) She recently got married to a guy who she has only known a short time and met after my boyfriend and I were already in a relationship. My boyfriend insists that his relationship with her is platonic and I do not think that he is attracted to her anymore or anything like that. My issue is with her and her behaviour. When my boyfriend and I were first together, she was still asking him if they would ever get back together and still wanted to be with him. He started to see her less when he got together with me but before meeting me he used to phone and visit her regularly. Now, they see each other less but are still in regular phone and email contact.

Even though she is married, she is still very needy towards my boyfriend, for example she came down to Cardiff this weekend (my birthday weekend) and when he refused to go for a meal with her because he was spending time with me she started crying and begging him to see her. If she hasn't seen him for a while she starts whining and emotionally blackmailing him to see her.

I have always been uncomfortable with my boyfriend seeing her, because of the way she was at the start of our relationship. So my boyfriend suggested that to get over my problem with her that we should all meet up and I would see that she is not a threat, so we had her and her partner over for dinner and I made an effort to be friendly with her, I also met her a couple of other times and have been nice to her although I still don't feel comfortable around her. She has got my email address and sometimes emails me. However, I feel that she only wants to be friends with me because this allows her to see my boyfriend more. She is very touchy feely when she sees him, for example touching his hair and nose, and gestures which are more boyfriend/girlfriend body language than just friends - this makes me feel uncomfortable. Especially as her personality is promiscious - she cheated on my boyfriend many times in their relationship (which he has completely forgiven her for) and she earns extra money by pornographic modelling - i dont have anything against girls who do this but she is always bringing it up in conversations when it is clear she is the only one who wants to talk about it and that it's an inappropriate topic of conversation (for example talking about her L*****n modelling scenes at a friends wedding recently which made people quite uncomfortable.) Once in a 'friendly' email to me about what she had been up to, she included a link to a porno site of her, when I was in my office! Obviously this is not something I wanted to see!

This weekend when my boyfriend told me he was taking her to the shops because she doesn't have a car (it's only a bus ride/ £5 taxi away) I wasn't happy about it because of her recent needy/ emotionally blackmailing behaviour but he told me he was going anyway because he wanted to see her as a friend. I have told him that I am not comfortable with him seeing her anymore. I have tried to be friends with her but I realise more and more that she doesnt act like a normal platonic friend to him. It is really upsetting me and I just don't want him to see her anymore. His view though is that I can't control him, and shouldn't stop him from seeing his friend. He has told her that she needs to stop her needy behaviour and that he doesn't stand for it (eg. not going out for a meal with her when she wanted to) but then he still gives her a lift to the shops and still wants to see her and talk to her. I don't know what to do because I don't want to lose him, but I can't handle this woman interfering in our lives and causing all these rows between us.

Any advice very welcome!??

Answer 1

He's probably shagging her behide your back love- why do you put up with him seeing her get some balls and stick up for yourself for **** sake!!

Answer 2

Your boyfriend needs to develop a little maturity

His ex should be ex.

Answer 3

It seems to me that she is a issue in his life and he isnt doing a very good job of getting rid of her once and for all sit down with him and tell him enough is enough get rid of her once and for all or Im gone in a relationship there are two people not people and a ex girlfriend

Answer 4

Since you have her email, start writing how happy you and her old boyfriend are...oh charlie and I did this and charlie and I did that...we had such a good time and I'm glad you gave him up for me to have him....etc.etc..get the hint...either she gets mad and tells him and then he will have to decide who is more important...or you might have to go over and kick her little butt.

Answer 5

My husband has an ex-girlfriend that really didn't get out of the picture until recently. I think that for the men, they don't see it as a real problem. He knows that he loves you and would never cheat on you so he doesn't see why you're so threatened by her. But she's manipulative and knows how to push your buttons and to get him to do what you want. It's hard because they had a romantic past and I don't think feelings like that ever go away. I'd try explaining everything to him and how you feel. I did that with my husband and it took awhile but she's completely out of the picture now. Good luck.

Answer 6

The only person who can make her disappear, is your boyfriend. He is feeding into her neediness. You've talked to him about how uncomfortable you are with her and stuff, and it didn't work. I suspect he's actually enjoying the attention he's getting, especially a cat fight in the end when you eventually blow your top off! You can tell her directly that you are not pleased that she is still in close contact with your boyfriend, and remind her that she's married. But if she insist on carrying on her ways with your boyfriend, well like I said, it's up to him.

Answer 7

I was in a similar situation many years ago.  Unless he cuts the ties with her it won't work for you two.  Tell him, it's her or you.  How many times have you invited your ex-boyfriends and their partners over for an evening?  Of course not, they are ex's for a reason.  Until he starts to firmly refuse her and moves on, she'll continue to use him.

Answer 8

He's a dog, he knows d**n well that these things are bothering you but he like the attention he's getting form both of you.I would not trust her at all. She's trying to get back with him(if she hasn't all ready hasn't).

Tell him that it's got to stop because you can't and won't take it anymore.

Your always fighting over her this doesn't make for a happy or healthy relationship I now it's heart breaking but if he can't stop seeing her then the best thing(for you) is break it off with him then go find a nice guy who doesn't want  2 girl friends.

Answer 9

I feel for you I do, its a awkward situation to be in, ask your bf if it was the other way around how would he feel? And how is her husband ok with this?? - if it was me I'd tell her straight to back off. Its not healthy for your relationship, he keeps telling her to not be so needy but lets her back in anyway, so she knows he will always back down. If I were you I'd tell him to cut her out of his life, if he loves you - what can he possibly get out of a relationship with her anyway?? And I'd move away, out of that house she owns, cut all ties so she doesn't know where you are and start a fresh, new life together. Good luck!