*VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT but I need help for my friend whos child was still born

Question

Very SENSITIVE* FOR PREGNANT WOMEN.BE ADVISED.

I have a friend who baby was still born at birth. 3 months after that happened, her husband left her because she mourned so to the point that she was mean to him and other people. The thing is this was 3 years ago. She still refers to the baby and talks about the baby as if she was here with us for years. I know that's a hard thing to go through but after 3 years, I want her to move on. Not forgetting her baby but move in the present. We can't do anything or go anywhere without her talking about the baby and sometimes its SO uncomfortable. As a friend, what can I do? It's becoming so hard for me but I love her and want to support her, but when is it time to snap her out of it and what can I say without hurting her feeling? Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Remember that it's verbal behavior. Verbal behavior is generally reinforced by people's actions while or after she is talking about her baby (social reinforcement). Social reinforcement might include attention, physical contact, etc. The people around her should avoid reinforcing her while talking about her baby (this is, ignore her by doing something else while she is talking about this), and reinforce her when she talks about something else (ask questions, or show interest in her conversation, or maybe physical contact). This have worked with other peolple with problems like the one your friend has and is based on pure behavior principles. Reinforce other kind of  social interactons. You might want to help her to seek for professional help

Hope I helped.

Answer 2

Talk to her as much as you can. Encourage her to talk-maybe the problem is she hasn't fully grieved for her baby? Perhaps tell her you're worried about her and don't know what to do to help her grieve. It sounds like she is struggling to accept her baby has gone, especially with losing her husband too. Suggest she goes to talk to someone, a professional, about her grief. Don't use the phrases 'move on' or 'get over it' as this will likely make her angry! Good luck and my sympathies with her and you.

Answer 3

Maybe since she wasn't able to have her baby, she could adopt a child who would be the same age as her baby, or any age. Gently suggest that to her, and tell her that it's making a child who has no parents or parents who don't care's life better.  It will really make a difference in her life and in that child's. Good luck. God bless.

Answer 4

i know you probably talk back when she talks about her baby but the reason she keeps mentioning it is because she wants to keep the memory alive, you and your friends probably dont mention the baby first to her as it may be awkward , i understand that. but by this she probably feels you've forgotton and dont really see the babies memory as sinificant

try bringing the baby up one evening with yuor friend and have a long heart to heart about it, then evry so often mention the baby before she does - prefribly when she normally would.

it'll be a long process but eventually she'll bein to accept that the memory is still alove and she doesnt need to always mention it.

Answer 5

There might not be anything you can do. Some people take a very long time to get over something like that. I say the best thing is just to continue to listen to her and support her. Sometimes talking about it can help the person betterthan them holding it in..People are different..

Answer 6

She is still grieving.  She needs therapy.  I know it's not the same, but I had a miscarriage last year and also became quite mean and depressed.  I finally went to therapy and my therapist right out told me "you're still grieving".  Those words helped me heal so much because I realized what was going on.  Why I felt so bad.  I was able to talk it thru with him and after the second visit felt much better!

I think you need to be direct with her.  Not uncaring, not rude, not mean.  Just direct and honest.  Tell her something like, I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been to have lost your baby, but I think it is unhealthy for you to still make that baby as such a big part of your life.  You have lost your husband and don't seem to be able to move on because of your loss. Do you think going to therapy might help you?

Good luck.  I can't even imagine how difficult her situation must be.

Answer 7

the best thing you can do now for her is tell her the truth... i mean this in a very serious way. get her to sit down and right when she starts crying, just give her a nice hard slap across the face, she will stop crying and while she is stunned at what you have just done, pray to god that she will listen to the logic you have to tell her.  

Answer 8

Your Friend needs Professional help...telling her to "Move-On" or even suggesting it will more than likely just alienate her. Maybe you could look up a "Grief Group" such as "Parents of Stillborn Children" look in your local phone book under Counceling or call Your Local Hospital, alot of hospitals offer these groups Free of Charge...I lost my 9 year old son several years ago to a drowning accident....it takes a LONG while to feel ANY sembalance of normalacy again...~~Aloha and Blessings to You and Your Friend~~Michelle~~

Answer 9

I feel for your friend.  What a horrible thing to go through.  She needs therapy, a psychiatrist to help her move on.  All you can do is support her.

Answer 10

She will never get over having a stillbirth.  The same as a woman who is barren(like myself), or a woman who has a miscarriage will never get over that.  You shouldn't tell her to "move on and get over it." That makes you sound like a cold hearted female dog.  Take into consideration that her husband left her because she was greiving over the death of her child. Try seeing if there is a greif couslor or support group of women who have had miscarraiges/stillbirths and voice the suggestion to try it.

Answer 11

Be forward and honest with her. There will be anger in the beginning but when she snaps out of it she will love you as a friend even more for being there for her at her hardest time in life. Good luck.

Answer 12

awww i bet your finding it hard because you don't know what to do for the best ! i think you should just sit her down and explain to her that its time to move on , tell her your not saying to forget the baby but just let it go. good luck!

Answer 13

your friend is never going to " get over it" the same way a survivor of suicide ( the family ) never gets over it. You learn to cope with it.

It sounds like she hasn't ever bothered to cope with her feelings and is in denial. Everybody moves at there own pace when it comes to grieving,

Those feelings of loss are going to forever be there, and they will rear their ugly head for the rest of your life. Just as time goes on not as frequently.

However, since she seems to be so tied up in it and bitter and angry she hasn't dealt with these feelings in a constructive manner, the only way she can do so is to seek some professional that specializes in this. Not to mention the fact that not only did she lose her daughter but her husband to. Talk about hurt, resentful, and angry. No wonder she's mean,

I would say you not to do anything, because there is nothing you are going to be able to say to help her, unless you specialize in grief managment and counseling, in fact you'll probably get an earful on how inconsiderate your being.

Offer to go with her, or recommend that she goes to a grief counselor. If she chooses not to then there isn't much you can do about it other than distancing yourself from the behavior you can't tolerate. If you do that its possible that she might be forced to look inside herself and realize its time for some professional help. She'll have to determine how many people she's willing to push away before she'll change.  

Answer 14

well death is a real tough subject. and everybody reacts different towards it. it must have been horrible and i cant image what ur poor friend must have gone thorugh. too bad her husband left her just because she mourned so much....thats a stupid reason to elave soemone...anyways. is she with anyone right now? i bet having a baby would make her feel so much better and help to get over the past, not forget about, but to move on. if i was her i'd try to get pregnant again as soon as possible....hope this helps

Answer 15

I would suggest counseling and a support group.  You can never really get over a loss like that.  It sounds like she isn't dealing with it.  After 3 years it's time to deal with it and move on with your life.  You can't be stuck like that forever.

Answer 16

was this her first child and does she have any other kids right now look in your area to see if there are any support group for mothers of stillborns and see if they can help her out and i am truely sorry for her loss