VERY SURPRISED AND DISSAPOINTED?

Question

i recently sent my MOH/best friend an email letting her know that she really hasnt been doing or helping or supporting me with anything for this wedding. she didnt even give me a bridal shower. i found out also that my gift from her (my wedding cake) has not been paid on at all since i sent in the hundred dollar deposit. i told her that I needed her to be there for me as I have for her since the day that we met. I know she has things going on but I never ask for anything from anyone, so it took a lot from me to write that email. her response was selfish and so very saddening. she basically told me that she didnt give me a bridal shower because i didnt register (HELLO, ME AND FIANCE HAVE OWNED AND ESTABLISHED OUR OWN HOME FOR FOUR YEARS NOW, WE DONT NEED ANYTHING FOR THAT). to me, that was c**p. she then tells me that she CANT promise to be there for me the way i need her because her MOH **** aint tight right now. I just let it go. i have done everything on my own since day one. i dont need her now. but today, she sent me an email and asked for names and addresses for my bachlorette party. anyhoo,, i am not a mean spirited person, i have taken this situation as a lesson learned and i know how to be with her now. she always does this when she is into a guy. she forgets everyone else. i have decided to let her remain my MOH and go forward with my planning (married 9*27*08) because she will be the one standing up there feeling like c**p because she knows she fell short and everyone else will too. I am wondering how much more awkward she will feel when she has to do her MOH toast.... is this the right direction to take with this...

Answer 1

First of all, she was not obligated to throw you a shower at all as anyone can throw you a shower (traditional etiquette states that a family member shouldn't really throw a shower for the bride, but with so many brides without close friends these days, it's totally acceptable). You didn't register for gifts and you said yourself that you have everything you could possibly need for your home, so why were you even expecting a shower in the first place? The whole point of a shower is to "shower" one with gifts of things that the bride and groom will need to begin a home together. Since you already have those things, there was no point in her throwing a shower anyway so you should really drop that reason for being mad at her.

Secondly, I would be pretty upset too if my MOH did absolutely nothing to help with the wedding. The MOH should be the person you love the most, some one you can depend on. Obviously, this girl had other interests that she put ahead of your wedding and that is one thing no bride deserves. Good for you for trying to be up front with her about what you expected out of her. She did, after all, accept all of the responsibilities when she accpeted being your MOH. It really is too bad you weren't able to depend on her the way you thought you'd be able to. All you can really do is what you've already done, and it sounds to me like you've done all you can. Good job!

Answer 2

If she's not there for you then you shouldn't let her be in the wedding because that is your special day and she could ruin it for you. MOH is a special position reserved for the best of friends. Obviously, she's not it.

Answer 3

Yes.  You saw she wasn't living up to what you wanted from her, and if you let her know what you needed and she was unwilling/unable to give what you needed, she will either feel bad or not. Hopefully you've got your other attendants or family members stepping up.  

She may have been offended you sent her an email instead of saying it in person (or on the phone).

Answer 4

Unfortunately, people who let others down rarely accept that they have done so.  YOU will know at the wedding how she was useless as all get out, but it's not likely that most of the guests will know.  Even if they did, MOH chicky-poo wouldn't feel any shame because she wouldn't think she had done anything wrong.

You know how sometimes people say, "If I have to tell you then you just don't get it"?  This gal is one of those people.  She just doesn't get it.

Yeah, Karma and fate and all that may end of catching up on her.  And maybe not.  

You are doing the right thing by taking the high road.  The lesson learned is that this person is not a friend who can be trusted, maybe not even a friend at all.

The next thing you need to do, for yourself, is to try to let go of the resentment.  You're well on the way to doing that so I know you can and you will.  You don't want to carry around the resentment because it just makes you feel bad.  You don't deserve to feel bad because you aren't the bad guy in all this.

Good luck with the wedding!  Only 6 more weeks!

Answer 5

It sounds to me like your having a real communication problem. Maybe you both need to just get together for a girls day and tell each other how you feel......she is your best friend.

Maybe she is unsure of what you expected of her and vice versa.....just communicate.

Answer 6

Well, it's unfortunate that your friend didn't live up to your expectations but maybe you didn't make it clear to her what your expectations were from the get go? I was asked to be the MOH when I was younger (like 25 or so) and said sure. At the time, I was still in grad school and had no money and probably should have said no but I had no idea what was involved and what was expected of me. Maybe she just doesn't realize what you need from her and/or doesn't have the money to help out as much as should would like....she did tell you that she couldn't be there for you the way you want her to be so you need to just accept that and either tell her that you are okay with her bowing out and choose someone else or suck it up and have her stand up there with you. But it sounds like you are letting this ruin your wedding planning and that's no one's fault but your own. Do what you have to do to make this a better experience for you. Good luck!

Answer 7

The purose of a shower to to give the bride and groom items for their home.  If you don't need anything, you don't need a shower.  It sounds like she is just being honest.  for some reason, she agreed to e your MOH.  She probably shouldn't have, but the deed is done.  It would probably be difficult to rearrange things, so I think you may be right in letting her keep the position as MOH.  By the way, maybe she is going to give you one he** of a bachelorette party to make up for letting you down.    

Answer 8

It is not a requirement for the MOH to throw you a shower and a bridal shower is not an entitlement of every bride. Many brides don't get showers!! The whole point of a shower is for friends and relatives to get you things to start a new household. You two have been shacked up playing house and, by your own admission, have everything. People would be surprised at receiving an invite to a shower and are, instead, probably just wondering what the heck to get you for a wedding gift. You ask a person to be MOH as an honor. You are not hiring a servant and your question sounds very much like a bridezilla. Sorry. Maybe calm down, write a nicer letter and this time use some punctuation and better grammar and maybe she will respond better. Right now you sound like a selfish, screaming, petulant brat. Perhaps you are just stressed out but sure sounds otherwise!! Stop the text-talk and start communicating like an adult. Apologize for the immature email, invite the MOH to lunch and talk things over calmly. Forget about a bridal shower and concentrate on your wedding and your marriage. Sounds like you are going to need help in both areas.

Answer 9

Is there someone else who has done more to help you? Maybe if there is you should demote her and replace her? That sounds mean, but if this is going to cause you pain when you look back on this, you should change it. I hear what you are saying about the shower, we gave one friend who had been on her own a theme shower, just some fun stuff that would be good for a honeymoon. It is more the thought that someone cares enough for you to plan SOMETHING. Good luck, I am sure your wedding will be beautiful.

Answer 10

It seems like you need to get away from this person asap. Why would you even still consider her as your maid of honor?

The into-a-guy kind of thing sounds like something a 16-year old could manage. But I am guessing this person is old enough to be know better.

It sounds like she is careless and does not want anything to do with your wedding. Have a sit down with this girl and try to have a honest conversation to figure things out. If she stays like that and you cannot deprived her of the maid of honor duties, do not let her handle important things concerning your weddings.

Congrats and hope everything works out well.

Answer 11

Wow!!  These "questions" are getting more and more rude everyday.

How in the world can someone give you a shower if "we don't need anything for that" (your home.)  What are the guests to bring to the shower....money?  The purpose of a shower is to give the bride and groom things to start their new life.  If you have everything...well, good for you.  

So you think your guests are going to know that, in your mind, your MOH "fell short."  What did she exactly fall short of?  

Geez.....I'm at a loss for words.