Very Complicated-relationship w/drug addict, fighting, insecurity, jealousy & end in suicide. Am i to blame?

Question

I fell in love with a person, not his addiction. He was insecure & manipulate & could push my buttons. I became mean, verbally & emotionally cruel as I became less & less trustful of his actions. I did not trust him. We fought a lot, and somehow, his addictions got overlooked & my problems were always in the limelight. I loved him but hated his addition & the lies & lack of motivation in himself to do anything. He was not in school, nor did he ever work full-time. I thought that staying with him was showing him loyalty & that I believed in him & his recovery. Instead, the stress-level & volatility of the relationship brought out the ugliness is me & we had very bad fights. He committed suicide. He blamed me & us fighting on his relapses & threatened that I "was going to make him commit suicide". I am conflicted with immense guilt for adding more stress to this persons life, fighting with him, always seeming disappointed in HIM when it was the drugs I was disappointed in. We both obviously had issues, but now he is dead. He had been doing drugs for over 10 years. We were together for 2 1/2, long-distance, and fought all of the time. He said I beat him up emotionally & drove him to depression & I would be so mad at him for not getting his life together, it's like I was emotionally numb. I was the only girl he really tried to love & he thought I would love him unconditionally. I shouldn't have stayed with him. He said I gave him false hope & was just messing with his mind, which maybe I was? HELP!! I know I have issues, but would this drive someone to commit suicide? I think he was afraid to break up with me, or wanted to leave this world making me & everyone else feel guilty for how we treated or REACTED to him.

Answer 1

I was in a very similar situation, but it ended with me injured, i can assure u what he did was not your fault, but a problem that he had. I dont know if i can help u at all but if u would like to discuss this further plz email me.. plz be assured this is not your fault and plz dont get ur self down because of a drug problem.

This sound so very similar to my situation, count yourself lucky that it wasnt you he hurt x

Answer 2

You should not feel guilty because this guy committed suicide.  people that do drugs have very low self  esteem, and usually they can't live like normal people do. They don't  seem to be able to hold jobs, they don't want commitment. They blame everyone for their problems. You two fought because you wanted to try to get him off drugs and get a real life and he wasn't ready to give up the drugs. You just want to help him. but you can't help a drug addict, they have to want to get off drugs before they can.  This guy was a very weak person to commit suicide, strong people stick around and face life head on, no matter how tough things get!! So don't feel guiltily, get on with your life.

Answer 3

no you did nothing wrong at all it was his choice to killl him self u didnt tell him to do it all you could do was give him your love dont feel guilty about him commiting suicide it was his choice to end  his life not yours

Answer 4

I don't know what answer your looking for but I will ask you, when did you lose all common sense? All the fault lies with him. That was his way of life. He was headed down this path before you came into the picture. It's not your fault, it's his. What you do with the rest of your life is your responsibility. It's time to start living again.

Answer 5

it is definately not your fault. your not to blame, yeah you both had issues and fought alot. but in that kind of realtionship, thats usually what happens, meaning fighting, arguing,jealousy,untrustworthiness and in the end he killed himself, but if he was doing drugs for ten years.... its really hard to just stop and be drug-free.obviously it was the drugs that made him react this way. and you probably reacted the way you did because you loved him and didnt like to see him this way... and instead of you being with him, it was like you were dating the drugs cause it made him the way he was. its not your fault and your not to blame. i can only imagine how hard it is on you, but  you did love him and i'm sure that he knew that in a way but he was just depressed and went through so much pain. it wasnt your fault because he chose to do the drugs, not you. yeah, he said that you made everything worse and what-not but he was probably just finding someone 2 blame cause he couldn't admit that he had a serious problem that was ruining him. DO NOT feel guilty just because he said it was your fault, it was his fault he did the drugs,his choice.

i hope this helped and i'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 6

ALL of us who are involved with a person (with that level of problems), secretly think to ourselves.. 'IF I AM JUST GOOD ENOUGH, PATIENT ENOUGH, CARING ENOUGH... I CAN BE THE SOLUTION".

Sadly.. it is hard to face that none of us are that powerful. You said he had the drug problem for 10 yrs, not to mention the dysfunctional stuff before that (with the family). All of what he was, was part of him. The addiction was not separate.. it was part of the core, and reflection of the problems inside.  It is one thing for you to believe in his capacity to get better.. but for him to really do so, required something more from him. Maybe his false hope was that you COULD fix things for him, and that hope came from inside him.  But.. the truth is that NO ONE can fix someone else, no matter how unconditionally we love them.

So.. part of the unconditional love.. is to let go of your own guilt. Sorrow is fair and real.  Guilt is not real.. because the ultimate choice to live and change was his, and his alone. You did not drive him to suicide.  You were just powerless to change it.