Very confused. want to throw up. fiance in band?

Question

Very confused. want to throw up. fiance in band?

my fiance and i broke up last night, i think. we have an almost 6 month old son together--our only child.

he's in a band and having more and more gigs. and he works a lot too. i'm just sick of coming 2nd place to his band. we made up a certain amount of gigs for the month, but if something comes up, he'll take it, which defeats the purpose of making a certain amount of gigs in a month.

i want him to persue his dreams and be happy, but dont know if i can go along for the ride. i dont want to be selfish, but i dont know if i can deal with it. he even said it last night " the band is bigger" than anything else. and that's how i feel. i feel that his first love will always be the band. and id otnr eally know if i can deal with going to all his shows and stuff like that.

my heart's breaking cuz i think this might be it. i really dont see how we can come to compromise. i'm just so upset. is this it?

i want to add that he wasnt serious about his band until abotu 1 year ago,

Answer 1

Hopefully it is a passing phase, but if not you will have to decide how important your marriage is to you and your child.

Answer 2

That is something you will have to put up with in the entertainment business. If your bf's band wants to get ahead they have to be out there making music at every opportunity. It sounds like that is his dream and if they start turning down gigs, people will stop calling them to play. None of the bands that are famous now got where they are by turning down gigs.

What you need to do is decide if you can live with him playing in the band, if not move on and contact a lawyer to set up child support for your child.

Answer 3

Women do this a lot, they tend to try to determine what  their man values most, and where they stand in that list.   What they never realize is that men don't create such lists, and much of what men do is done to support their families.  Yea the fame may be getting to him, but i gotta believe that he's getting paid for these gigs, and he's thinking of that building a future for the two of you.

Just because he said the band is bigger then anything else does not mean it was in reference to it being bigger then your relationship, probably just meant that the bands popularity was higher then other bands in the area.

As far as it goes, this will only be the end of the relationship, if you choose it to be.  You can either accept what your husband is doing and things will eventually die down, or you can choose to make him miserable about it and eventually he will leave.

Answer 4

u have a son.what wrong did this innocent little one do to suffer so much?talk to him,may be u can take care of the kid and move along with him,let him go to the band but tell him he has a little son

Answer 5

Dear Confused,  I can see why you are feeling discouraged.  However, if you "get your way" he will only wind up resenting you and blaming you if his rock and roll dreams are not realized.

Your responsibility now is to your infant son.  You have to start working on your life and in providing for him, with the understanding that his dad may soon not be in the picture.  You have to be the grown up in your son's life, that is what being a parent is all about.

Good luck - and be prepared to move on as a strong and independent woman.

Answer 6

Does he pay all the rest of the time on you? Talk with an attorney and file for his part of the custody! Just so he knows that all work and no play makes JACK  a bad boy, reality is he had his fun and now he wants his freedom,{hope it isn't so} but thats how it looks from here,best of luck

Answer 7

well the bottom line is: do you want to be a single mom?  do you want to have to see this dude every week for the next 18 years when he or you has to exchange the child on a custody visit?  waiting for him to come pick up the child when it's his day for visitation and he never shows up?

that's what it amounts to.

sure you can find another guy, but i can almost guarantee you, that unless he is a loser with "no life", any other guy will have another life hobby or situation that will take him away from you on evenings and some weekends.

seriously.

i know you are hurting.  but trust me on this, i literally know of no married couple where the husband has no other outside interests (golf, fishing, hunting, music, bowling, basketball,....the list is literally endless).

you HAVE to let him go.  this is not a choice, it is the reality.  but letting him go, i mean you have to kiss him nicely on the cheek and wish him well as he heads out the door to do yet another gig.  you have to smile sweetly and be happy to see him when he strolls in at 4am after he finishes a gig.  

sure you want to spend all your time with him.  it's just natural.

and you think he should spend more time with your child.

but you have to face the reality, that music is a huge part of your man's life.  and he would be totally miserable if he had to give it up.  he would resent you, and you would be left alone anyway, because eventually your relationship would break down over this issue.

look at it this way, you have a kid together.  you are an intelligent young lady.  you can find tons of stuff to do to fill your own life and have fun.  find a hobby that you enjoy, even if it's just watching dvds from netflix or learning to cook gourmet meals.  maybe it would be sewing or scrapbooking.  you find your own hobby and spend less time worrying about having your man around 24/7.  

if you let him go without any drama, he will love you more for it.

this relationship is not over.  just hang tight. keep your mouth shut and wait until things calm down a bit.  once things have calmed down a little, you can decide if you want to live this way, with him gone alot with the music, or if you want to try to find someone who is home more with you and the baby.

Answer 8

I know this may seem like a dilemma when you're smack dab in the middle of it like you are, however, this isn't a dilemma to anyone reading it.

He's already made his choice -- you explained to him that you wanted to have a set amount of gigs each month that he could play so you wouldn't feel pushed aside.  He decided that if something additional came up he was going to take it.  You've expressed to him that you can't go on like this, and he expressed back that the band was the #1 priority.

He's already made his choice, now you need to make yours.  As painful as it is, do you really want to be #2 to something in your husband's life?  That's a choice you have to make, however I personally would say NO WAY.  In a marriage, you and your spouse need to be #1 above all else, and your relationship needs to be the priority.

If you feel you can handle being #2 to your husband your whole life, than go for it.  However, you will always be #2 to this man.  You and your daughter deserve a husband and father who will be there for you, as a family.  I'd try talking to him again and explaining how serious an issue this is for you, and that you don't feel you can go in the relationship if he doesn't work on this -- be prepared for him to kick you out the door, though.  Maybe he doesn't realize JUST how much an issue this is for you.

Whatever you decide, good luck.