Very difficult step daughter?

Question

I have three stepchildren. They are 16, 20 and 25. The 16 year old lives with us and the 25 year old has lived with us but is currently going to grad school and plans to be married. soon. The 20 year old has always lived with her mother who is very unstable. I have been very close to the 25 year old who is getting married and have helped her plan her wedding in every aspect. Her mother has offered to do nothing. We are currently one month away from the wedding and now the mother is insulted as well as the 20 year old that they have not been involved in the planning process. We have left a wedding day luncheon for them to do which has completely been planned. They now say if they do this that I (the "wicked" stepmother will not be invited to the brunch. The step daughter getting married has insisted that I be included, however, they (the 20 year old and her mother) don't see why I should be invited. This has caused a disaster in our household for a few days now. The 20 year old says that a step mother should just sit to the side and do nothing that I should never be involved. This is the same child that comes to visit my husband and I on numerous occasions. While she is here, she is well behaved and respectful but when she returns to her home she makes ridiculous comments about me. We recently went on a vacation together and her comment was that I (the "wicked" stepmother should not have gone---she wanted time to be with just her dad. I love my husband but I am getting really tired of dealing with this type of crazy behavior. I also have two children who are very happy for my husband and me and always treat him as well as our relationship very respectfully. They want their mother and stepdad to be happy and enjoy doing things with us. How should I handle these two difficult people short of letting it ruin our marriage?

Answer 1

You need to talk to your husband about this and he needs to talk to his kids.  You all need to ba able to work together and them trying to leave you out isn't the right thing to do, you are part of the family.

Answer 2

First, you have to think of her point of view. The stepdaughter thinks of you as someone that is not her real mother. She might also think that you are the reason her parents split apart. Now you may not be a mean person, but you are going to have to show some backbone. You need to look that girl in the face and explain that you are in no way trying to mess up things. Talk to her about how her parents split up because they wanted to and that you're simply in love with her dad. She may not believe you, so if that doesn't work, get her parents to talk to her. Especially the dad. Besides, who knows what her mother has been telling her?

Answer 3

Your husband needs to step in and communicate, involve himself with the 20 year old brat who must now feel like she's missing out on his affection for not living with him or jealous of the attention the older one is getting because of the wedding and being brainwashed by the unstable mother.

You have done so much so far - as hard as it may be for you, why not relax, step back and let her mother and sister handle the luncheon by themselves? Show up anyway, be proud but sit in the back and just be there for your step daughter and the food.  They'll get over it.  

Mine is 30, and her wedding is the day after Thanksgiving, but we've already contributed to a wedding that was cancelled a month before it was to take place. I feel this time we're being left out since we can't help that much.  I'll be sitting by myself at the shower, but I'll still be there. My other adult step sons are almost my age and respect me because I care for their father. The 17 yr old girl is nasty and hasn't called or seen her father in 3yrs. (she has a different mother) and tried everything she could to break us up.  Little does she know we got married after being together 13 yrs.  

My son was very young when I met my husband and cares and respects him like his own father.

Answer 4

I think next time your step daughter comes over, sit her down and tell her you love her, and that if she ever feels like she doesn't want you to come or go to something, then she needs to let you know. not expect you to read her mind. Tell her this has hurt your feelings.

On all the other aspects, it is about the daughter wedding and all the parents shouldn't be creating war. What is going to make her happy, what does she want? It all should be about her, not how the parents feel about each other. YOur husband needs to step up and remind his x that it is about the kids, not about parental jealousy!!!

Answer 5

You dear should not have to handle these people. Your husband, her ex and her father should step up to the plate and let them both know their limitations and that they have both overstepped their boundaries.

Answer 6

Your husband needs to speak up and put his ex and his daughter in their place.Since you and the 25 yr.old daughter are close and she wants you to be included ,stand by her and do whatever  she needs you to do within reason.The 20 yr.old is probably taking her mothers side because she wants to keep the peace with her mom and it seems that she may be jealous of your relationship with your husband,her dad.You husband can have a relationship with her that does not include you, therefore you are not considered as the "wicked stepmother".In my opinion the 20 yr.old needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat,and your husband  and the 25 yr.old needs to talk to her and the mom about there behavior and actions. Good luck.

Answer 7

a. Letting them "ruin your marriage" is not an option.

b. There is NO way to rationalize with irrational people.

c. If the daughter wants to spend time "alone" with her Dad then the two of them should plan events together and you should allow that to happen and respect the father daughter relationship they have, but expecting you to "not come" on a "family" vacation was ridiculous on the daughters part...  

d. Enlist your husband.  These are (genetically) HIS children and HE is responsible for maintaining a positive relationship with them.  HE needs to make the effort with them (and they with him) and do his best to squelch any resentment they may have towards you (I speak only of the daughter... I don't think ex wives ever get over their ex husbands).  Good luck!

Answer 8

Just some quick questions...how do you know when she returns home she make ridiculous comments about you...who has told you that? Is this a person a reliable source? If So then confront the 20yr with that person. Again, did the 20 yr old tell you, you should sit to the side, do nothing, and never be involved? If this 20y yr old is this bold to say this to your face or admit to saying it..then Dad has got to get involved. You and Dad needs to Co-parent and be on the same page. For the 20yr old to disrespect you is the same as disrespecting him. You guys are one, she shouldn't be welcomed into the home until she changed her attitude towards you. This is a hard fix, if Dad doesn't agree in supporting you because the 20yr is doing a great job at splitting the two. If Dad is willing to support, the two of you sit the 20 yr old down and set boundaries. When those boundaries are broken she will need to return to her Mom. While she is with her Mom and the word gets back that she was disrespectful then limit the time she can spend with he Father. EX. She suppose to be there for the weekend she gets there Friday 5pm she leaves Saturday at 5pm. So I hope I've helped without Dad Supporting then this is very difficult, b/c you are viewed as an outsider. Enjoyed responding OleCoop

Answer 9

the 20 year old has informed you that you will not be participating in her wedding when she has one.

the 25 year old has to stand up to her sister and mother and inform them that you will be there or she won't and neither will the rest of her wedding party.  Wouldn't that be lovely, the bride not showing up to her own party.

ignore the 20 year old.  she's getting some kind of payoff for acting like she does (I bet she's mom's favorite).  She sounds really immature, she may legally be an adult but she isn't acting like one, neither is the mom for that matter.  You continue being a class act and ignore them.