Very rough draft of a poem, any suggestions?

Question

The Lover of Insanity

We stand on the brink

Between life and death

Seeing two worlds at once

And living with each breath.

We live amongst beauty

We live amongst pain

This world is our masked reality

From what I've seen, its all the same.

We are fed lies for dinner

We digest them easily

For the world in which we live

Is too dire to live truthfully

My life is full of the sweet sounds

Of love and happiness

Yet my sleep is haunted

By a world of horror and madness.

I am the mistress of war

I am the lover of insanity

I watch the world from a sweet embrace

I am the savior for humanity

My eyes search with yearning

The object of my desire and lust

My journey is filled with the rotten corpse

Of freedom, replaced with the infant of distrust.

They will take me.

I am but a prophet

In a world with no future

If they can, they shall stop it.

Answer 1

the fourth stanza needs to be tweaked...the second line has a different number of beats then the first, and it ended up falling flat on its face because of it. (i'm a harsh critic...just a single word can ruin a poem for me sometimes.)

but anyhow, it's a lot better than many of the horribly juvenile poems i've seen on this site. it's also nice and dark, which is the kind of thing i like.

Answer 2

Terrible,

Are you fishing for compliments?

'Cause this is terrible good....

The multifaceted imagery, mixed in the quasi-post-apocalyptic twist at the end, makes for a challenge poem to interpret on any level deeper than the obvious.

Can I add you as a contact?

Cheers,

Eric

Answer 3

I havent heard it anywhere before, and reading this before i would have remembered. This is why poetry is beautiful and meaning full because it comes from more than your head it also comes from your heart. I think it explains in ways of how we live in this world. I have never written a poem before and did last night for the first time it was for my daughter who died, i posted it might catch your eye. But well done its great

Answer 4

This is good, though it lacks a certain "je ne sais quoi". If I were you, I'd alter some of your prepositions (I would change  the "for" to an "of" in the fifth stanza, last line) to make them a little more comprehensible. Also, I would rearrange the stanzas themselves. This is an alternate version that I've composed for you:

The Lover of Insanity

My life is full of the sweet sounds

Of love and happiness

Yet my sleep is haunted

By a world of horror and madness.

We live amongst beauty

We live amongst pain

This world is our masked reality

From what I've seen, its all the same.

We stand on the brink

Between life and death

Seeing two worlds at once

And living with each breath.

My eyes search with yearning

The object of my desire and lust

My journey is filled with the rotten corpse

Of freedom, replaced with the infant of distrust.

I am the mistress of war

I am the lover of insanity

I watch the world from a sweet embrace

I am the savior for humanity

They will take me.

I am but a prophet

In a world with no future

If they can, they shall stop it.

They left, abandoned the world

Left us to disolve into chaos

They came back to feed us, yet more.

We ate hungrily, a world that was lost.

We are fed lies for dinner

We digest them easily

For the world in which we live

Is too dire to live truthfully

They linger now, picking at the bones

Like vultures after a feast

What a world we have created

When the people are ruled by a beast

I can't really say that it's preferable to your original draft. It is different, though. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Pretty good, I have to say.

And I'm very, very uptight about writing. If someone posts a really bad cheesy story and is like, "HAY GIYZ IZ MI STOREE GUD?" I'll tell them it sucks.

And this definitely does not suck.

Answer 6

this is really good

Answer 7

i'm pretty sure this was written by someone else....i read poetry everyday....i'm gonna look this one up cuz i know i've heard it before...nice try though!