Very short poem????

Question

I just wrote this, because i am bored...But it is a true story... what do you think? (please be aware i'm only 15)

Leaving me:

It started with one, my life had soon begun,

It ended with two, when I first lost you,

Days taken away, I haven’t seen you today,

Please come back to me, I miss you, I wish you could see,

All I want in life, Is for you to be with me.

Answer 1

It aint like that, read Al Sepert's e book of luv pomes.

Teenage love, a torment past

getting a woody, in history class

that first tender kiss, first time at first base

You legs you firm belly, even your face.

The love that I felt, the words I once said

all aimed my dearest, at getting you laid

promises of eternal love bandied

in search of relief as I was so randy

But now looking back fifty years and more

here with the wife and children four

I look back on that time as the firelight flickers,

And find I still dream of getting in your Knickers

Answer 2

This is actually a very good start. I like the rhyme pattern. It has touching emotion. I have only 1 suggestion about the rhythm in 3 of the phrases, but what you do with them is totally up to you, of course.

The poem would flow better if the rhythm were more consistent. Since this poem rhymes and has pretty close meter, it would probably be a good idea to tighten up the syllables so the pattern is more consistent. Perhaps Line 1b--take out the "had", Line 4--take out the "I miss you" or move it to the very end., Line 5a--change wording slightly--perhaps "What I want most in life"

Nice poem!!! Don't be afraid to work it out more--this one is worthy of revision! You've got potential to be a very good poet.

Answer 3

i particularly like the first bit of the poem but try not to make it so obvious what you're trying to say. i like to work out poem and for them to be riddled with literary devices.

Answer 4

Its really good! Keep it up!

Answer 5

wow! ur really good at writing poems and im sry that that happind to u and i hope it gets better

Answer 6

Omg! Thats really good and alse very deep!! I love it! Im also 15, and i cant write poems to save my life. Awesome job:)

Answer 7

hey its nice probbly u have stsrted but keep on u can do much better!

Answer 8

Wow thats very deep and sad!! :'( Your very good keep it up!!!! :D

Answer 9

Thats good. I wish my gf would say stuff like that...

Answer 10

Excellent poetry.See how I write the comments as a poem-

I looked wide-eyed at your poem,

With a smile flickered across my face,

With all I could say,

Is that you can make it longer to be more stimulating with a nice pace.