View opinion on poem seeking further opinions?

Question

The Battlefield: By Tia Metcher

Trampling horses, Swift escapade,

Through marsh lands And desert terrains,

Shrapnel pierce, The temple door,

Piece by piece, The chess piece fall,

Magma effuse, From my veins, release,

As my mortal body begins, To cease,

I endure, The seismic quake,

My trembling temple, Begins to shake,

Wrapped in dull bleak, Shades of grey,

My mind drifts back, To yesterday,

Briskly backstroke, Back in time,

Separate the salinity, From the brine,

Still framed pictures, Black and white,

Mosaic images, Fulfills my mind,

Serine, tranquil water of , Clear crystal glaze,

Rise inside, The temple gates,

Illuminating sun, appears bright in fall,

As my mind escapes, Cold, Brutal War,

Charcoal, ash felt, Imprisoned tomb,

Air infused of , Musty perfume,

Trumpeting, trumpets, Play their melody,

In spite of all The hostility,

No matter the weather, The season, the cost,

There’s always the silky, Satin red cloth.

Answer 1

I LOVE IT!!! It seems that each time I read your poems it makes me feel like I'm in it!!! =D I really like the way you put in the poem of what was it like for the solideir out there. It was a happy and sad poem! =]

Answer 2

starts our remarkably strong - but your structure gets in the way. perhaps change the meter/rhyme during the "mind drifts back" to create some metric interest.

Answer 3

Whoa buddy! Awsum poem! I love the way it starts out, it itroduses you to the theme,what is happening in it. And gives you a story, you can realy grasp whet the feeling is, and the end is very well done. It flows very smoothly and concludes very well. Im sure with a litle more editing it could be even better! :)

Answer 4

Really nice. I hope you have it copyrighted.

Answer 5

that was awesome yur good at poem and u should make more seriously not kidding. yur awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...