Village fete?

Question

Well the village fete season is about to commence, This year Shaftworthy and I are going to construct a ‘Catapult your Servant Machine’ Shaftworthy who is good at hard sums, worked out the optimum trajectory and elastic pull back to attain 60 mph and a distance of 300 feet. There is a bottle of half decent malt to anyone who can beat Cuthbertson being propelled over the said distance. Photographs of your servants crashing to earth and the St. Johns Ambulance Brigade rendering 1st. aid can be obtained from Shaftworthy’s Model Agency. What do you intend to do for the fete?

Answer 1

Greetings old bean. May I fore go all building of catapult type contraptions and just send you photos of my staff in obvious pain. I have a catalogue of at least 30,000 and some of them have even ended up on 'Rotten.com' There's a particularly good one of Smythe my head butler with a bees nest on his head. All the best.

I will of course attend the fete as my presence will enhance the occasion.

Answer 2

I shall be there as a contact from the American Embassy to assure the good folks back home that the British truly do not abuse their staff by giving them stale crumpets and steroids this season. I have full backing from all the sports networks so make it another great one this year. I do feel it is time to dispose of the "funny walks routine" at half time and let do a good rendition of "the argument".

Answer 3

May one offer one's assistance, in respect of my usual tombolla stall. prizes offered would be the usual fare, of champagne jams, white truffle sponge cakes, extensive bottles of vintage wines etc etc.

The picking of your ticket would again be the usual.... Pinning the numbers on the foreheads of the Great Unwashed, then one attempts to shoot them as they run around aimlessly with a 12 bore...

Answer 4

Considering I've just bought the land and intend to turn it into an open-cast mercury mine, the best I can do is to let the fete go ahead before tearing the grass up.  

If you can find a new venue for next year's fete, it will be far better.  By then everyone within a fifteen-mile radius will be absolutely insane due to mercury poisoning, so expect more in the way of madness.

~Later~ the deuce?  He sold you the land too?  Is he trying to pull a fast one or something?

Answer 5

Catapult! Piffle, old chap.  I have a uncle who is a grenadier at Edinburgh castle, and who occasionally loans me a canon.  We could use the vaseline found in Chalfont's servants' quarters, find ourselves the most ergonomic servant available and fire him from here to bally Christmas.  A bald servant would be particularly aerodynamic, old chap. Your Cuthbertson is likely to win this competition hands down.  I shall bring along some polo chairs and champagne and we can sit on the sidelines and clap.  Tally ho!

Answer 6

Bat the rat is my favourite. Last year my old boy had a near miss with some fancy cars when the highly varnished bat slipped though his grip, the thing went hurtling towards the vehicles at speed, missing by inches. Oh! how we laughed, but left quite abruptly and much to my disappointment missed the falconry display.

It had been raining and it was very dull and damp anyway my wang-the-welly went all wrong and I always miss the bloody coconut, but overall I think we brightened their day turning up to the event. I only went for a bit of nostalgia and maybe to show off my eccentricity, that done we were home in time for tea.

Answer 7

I shall probably try and fail to keep a low profile. Last year, as Im sure you don't need reminding, after drinking that half litre of Brandy I, for reasons which now seem mysterious even to myself (though I suspect a wager may have been involved), decided to demonstrate the power of my new 12 bore on Cuthbertson.

I was rather hoping you wouldn't desire compensation for that leg and eye he lost.