Vultures-my poem, please give me some feedback???

Question

Vultures

We watch each person closely,

waiting to see a weakness,

and when we do, we swoop down,

and strip them bare of confidence.

We start by pecking at the skin,

making sure that they are through,

then we delve in deeper,

their insides we do chew.

Enjoying their suffering,

Devouring their pain,

Clawing at their eyeballs,

slowly driving them insane.

Their agony is our joy,

as they start to rot away,

we love feasting on their flesh,

until nothing but bones remain.

When we've all had our fill,

we take back to the skies,

searching for a weakness,

to claim another life....

-Kara-

Answer 1

vultures? it sounds more like demons or the devil to me. but yeah, kinda creepy, but it's good.

Answer 2

that's good..

and strangely true

it's really moving

i LOVE it!

Answer 3

I think you've got an interesting theme, and I like your idea. I find it very unorthodox, and full of potential.

I think it's already quite good, but it could be better. For e.g., the rhyming sequences don't seem to flow excellently, and the imagery and meanings are direct, without much symbols or literary features. Keep working at poetry, slowly you'll improve, that's what I'm doing now. (:

Poems don't always have to have such a rigid structure, for these kind of darker poems, try a looser structure, it makes it more interesting.

But I think you've got something good going on.

Keep it up! (:

Answer 4

I like it, its true, even as a human civilization we are constantly pinpointing the weaknesses of others, and taking advantage of it.

Answer 5

You really need to lighten up but it is really good.

Answer 6

Its freaky.

But im soo luvin it.

Keep doin wot u do.

Answer 7

Vultures are scavengers. They eat carrion. Read some Emily Dickenson, you might like ee cummings. One of my favorites.

Google Invictus by William Ernst Henley, Its latin for invincible. You will like that. I Sing of Olaf by ee cummings, he also did one called Buffalo Bills Defunct. Then try Death of a Hired man by Robert Frost. That is a must. With these you will be able see a different flow. Try and get away from the Burma Shave ad rythm. See if you can find music or written lyrics of a band called bauhaus. Looking at your subject matter you will much like

Answer 8

Nice poem, really! i could never write something like that... even though I wish I could! Really! You are talented!

For the feedback: Heres your rating 5/5! You deserve it!

Answer 9

If you are interested in getting your poems heard you might want to look into entering them to Teen Ink.

Answer 10

alittle sick but good and great details ru gothic or something??? i mean no offense just wondering

Answer 11

is is a really good poem, you have talent... but it starts off not rhyming then it ends up rhyming. very good effort but if you want to make your poems more easy to read try picking one type and write it like that. not all poems have to rhyme, but they should at least have the same easy flow throughout.

good work though!

Answer 12

Great,couldent have doen it better.

Answer 13

Ok, I can talk about two things I think may help you out.

First, there is a problem in your symbolism.  Vultures eat carrion so these lines break down:

Enjoying their suffering,

Their agony is our joy,

slowly driving them insane.

to claim another life....

Second, you are working too hard to keep your rhymes moving.  These lines detract from everything around them in terms of meter:

their insides we do chew.

slowly driving them insane.

There is one last comment I would like to make as regards punctuation and grammar.  Use puncutation sparingly, rarely, or not at all.  Much of the punctuation you use adds nothing to what you are saying.  These do not have to be proper sentences so don't feel that you have to follow those conventions--leave punctuation off unless it is truly required.

Lastly, charge ahead and ignore all advice.

Answer 14

I like it!  Edgar Allen Poeish. :)

Answer 15

good! keep it.

Answer 16

Did you right this with me in mind?

Answer 17

thats realy good! The last sent doesn't realy ryme

Answer 18

Well, I'm not a professional critic, but I do write poetry myself that most people don't like, so I hate to be critical of your effort.  Interesting thought process but I don't quite like the rhythm.  Please keep working on it though.  Good luck!