WHEN YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU?

Question

I am a 41 year old woman who is married with 3 small children (3,4 and 7). Since my father died 7 years ago my mother has become completely self absorbed. Actually she's been like that her whole life. I just went 6 weeks without talking to her. She never picks up that phone. She feels she is the mother and I should call so I did because it was her birthday 2 days ago. All she did was talk about how busy she is and other nonsense about herself of course. I told her I thought we should sit down and clear up any miscommunication and she said she didn't think it was neccessary to sit down but if I wanted to could we do it in a week or so because she was toooooo busy. What do I do? Everything and everyone else comes first with this woman. Her boyfriend, my sister who wines to her constantly, her mother's estate, etc. etc. etc. I am sooo hurt, i tried to hold out calling her thinking that she really missed me and my children and yet she can wait another week or whenever to see them or me. We come last on her list of priorities. I am so disgusted that I feel if she calls in a week or so not to even call her back. What do you do when you have a mother who doesn't really care and looks at you as an obligation. The last couple of years she's been traveling with my sister (the snake) and her boyfriend and they don't tell me till right before they leave. Then when I confronted her she said it was a last minute trip which is another lie. She's lied to me a few times. I have no respect for her at all. She thinks she is smarter than me. Oh by the way did I mention she is a millionaire who's boyfriend is 24 years younger and everyone kisses her *** waiting on the will. She is on a power trip.

Answer 1

PEACE

Answer 2

Honey, this happens every where.  I raise my hand . Been there done that. Do not look at what they are doing but look within yourself at what you are doing. Who is this hurting the most? Sit down and write all your feelings out and then write, what can I do to be a better person.  Remember that your children are learning from you. Do not teach them to hate their grandmother through your actions because one day you will heal from it but they will remember. I love you and send you a big hug and a big God bless you.  

Answer 3

s***w her! If she doesnt treat you like a daughter and doesnt act like a grandmother then tell her she cant be in your life until she stops being so selfish. She may never change and you could be cut out of the will but if your doing fine on your own, which I assume you are because it doesnt seem like shes helping you very much, then dont worry about it. Hopefully she will come around and realize whats shes missing out on but right now if shes acting this way its not good for your kids to have to deal with that. They dont need someone in their life, just like you dont, who only half-heartedly cares about them and is constantly upsetting their mom who loves them! I know it hurts. My dad did some of the same things to me when I was younger. When I started college he couldnt go get my books with me because he was s******g his gf, and the only reason I found that out is because I had to stop at the house to grab something before I went to the school and they left the bedroom door open .. yeah. I just let it go, kept things civil, and bit my tounge. Now we have amuch better relationship. We still arent really close but at least we get along and it isnt terrible to see him. He not all that involved with my son, when I got pregnant he actually told me to give him up for adoption. Now that hes here though I know he loves him and I just let him come in and out of our lives as long as hes being good to us. I hope that helps, Im sorry your mom is being so awful! Just do whats best for you, its hard to let go but sometimes the hardest things and the right thing are the same.

Answer 4

though my mother is not rich by any means, i know what you mean by being a power trip. mymother bought me a used new car. which i really appreciate since i was fed up putting my 3 yr old in the car through the back window b/c my doors won't open. but now she uses it to as something she can control me with. granted im paying her monthly payment to pay it offf, but she still thinks she is the best thing to happen to the world. she underminds everything i do with my son when it comes to discipline, and she doesn't listen, she thinks shes always right. though our problem isn't quite the same, my point is, i cut off all ties with her two days ago. shes not getting my son anymore, i gave her my cell phone and i turned my house phone off. and i handed her the keys to the car and me and my fiance can share my old car which he bought. so in conclusion.....cut ties with her. you don't need her to make you feel bad. u don't sound like you're after he money, so don't worry about it anymore. if she isn't gonna try and have a relationship with you or your kids, then, s***w her. live you own life, and be happy. thats what im doing! and i feel great about my desicion! good luck!

Answer 5

You're mother is a self-absorbed *****. And unless you tolerate her for the hope of inheritance, you should tell the old bat she can die knowing she lost your love and not turn around to respond to whatever spiteful remark she says to you.

Answer 6

Just give her an obligation call and see how's she's doing at least twice a month and nothing more..just call and don't insist to see her with your kids or even talk with her regarding your 'miscommunication'..unless she's the one who'll ask for it..

And you just go on and move on with your own life with your kids..

If she don't care about you then so be it..and don't hold any grudge against her..she's still your mother..and later on with her life i'm sure she'll realize her shortcomings..

Answer 7

At your age, you definitely mature and old enough since you basically already have your own family. If it hurts, you should become less attached to them, i know this will help. I actually have the same situation as you. I understand it hurts alot as they try to exclude you without considering how you feel, and your mother may still think you are a pest even though you are already a mature women. Since she is a rich millionaire, you really do not have to care about her financially. If she excludes you, then i think there is really no need to worry yourself over her unless there is an real emergency. If you called on her birthday and she didn't appreciate it, it tells me that it wouldnt really make a difference if you rang or not. I suggest you become more distant to your family as it may hurt if you confront them (they may even think you are inconsiderate if you confront them). You should just  concentrate on your life with your current family and keep a considerable distance from your mother and sister. ( like ring maybe once every few months)

Answer 8

sorry..tell her how u feel & if she won't listen i guess its better to just stay away & maybe she will wisen up someday really sorry

Answer 9

Maybe she knows your the strong one of the children and doesn't think you need coddling like your siblings. Talk to her about it. Maybe there is a reason that she doesn't give you as much time. Did you hear your question? "Why doesn't anybody love me"? She loves you and I am sure adores your children. But, she has a life. And by the sounds of it is enjoying it. Your an adult and shouldn't need to have Mommy drop everything when you call. She has a life. Your 41. She can do what she wants. Don't get mad, get a life.

Answer 10

Maybe she dosent see the way you feel  about it all and you should talk to her ---- maybe thats the way she is and you shouldn't accept it , but you cant change your mum- remember,,, she brought you into this world - show her somw respect suck up and see if you can make her sweet to you or you could ask her to loose the bitterness for the sake of you kiddies. x hope i helped (P.S DONT LOOSE YOUR RESPECT FOR HER- YA HEAR?)

Answer 11

Hello, I am so sorry that your mother is treating you this way. I once had a mother like this as well. She even went so far as to tell my brother that she would not be attending his wedding because she had a prior engagement( ???). She went, after my grandmother talked to her and I threatened her. Slowly, I began to learn from my Dad and other family members that once upon a time in college my mom had a nervous breakdown and was never really all there at times. It took me a while but I now know that she was ill and had a few personality disorders that never went treated. As a child all I knew as that it was nearly impossible to connect with her on an emotional level as mother and child should do.  She went to work came home asked me how my day went and what I had for lunch. Then  took off her clothes and went straight to bed, and stayed there until morning. Me being a kid I didn't know that she was possibly clinically depressed, this went on for many years after her second divorce.

I am by no means a psychologist, but I have learned over the years by talking to people who are therapists, because I ended up needing one myself. When you see such outrageous behavior that makes you scratch your head...it's because the person in question has either emotional or some personality problems. You can't control your mom or fix her issues. However, you can decide how you want to deal with them and what you want to do about your kids having an absent grandma. Explain it to them as best you can and get some counseling for yourself  or talk to someone you trust about it and let it off your mind. Taking care of yourself is key, because if you have voiced your feeling and it didn't help...it didn't help me either in my case...then you have to just move on.

I forgave my mom, for my own sake, and took care of her when she got sick. She has passed on now, and I  accept that our relationship was what is was and that I tried my best to make it better, but it takes two. All you can do is your best. Someone suggested a book to me called Toxic Parents, maybe you can find it and read it, it tells you how to deal with these type of parents and what to do for yourself when the parent doesn't hear you or want to change. Good luck to you.

Answer 12

Well if I was you I would detach from her. I think if she is so into herself, your sister and her bf so be it. She will regret not seeing her grandchildren in time. And, your kids may ended up feeling the same way you do. If she calls tell her how you feel and accept whatever she says. It's too bad she is into nothing that counts.  

Answer 13

Wow!  You must be my long lost sister.. !  I feel your pain.  I too have a mother that is completely self-absorbed.  If it's NOT about her it's NOT good enough... We basically don't get along and I'm he happiest when we aren't on speaking terms.  You can try and try again with talking to her and you mine as well be talking to a brick wall am I right or close?  

My brother who is 21 is the "snake" in the whole mess. He knocked up a stripper and my parents are raising the baby while he's in jail!  Talk about dysfunction!  He can do no wrong in their eyes but, everything I DO is WRONG!  

If you are the "mushroom" of the family that is everybody keeps you in the dark and feeds you s h i t !  Then you need to decide if a relationship with your mother is really that important.  Will having a relationship with your mother with things as they are improve or be helpful in your day to day life... We're talking if she maintains her present attitude.  If so then by all means keep talking to her and treating her the way she wants.... However, think about yourself/children... Are the children going to benefit from a relationship with her... Probably NOT!  Is the money an issue- if it is.. just move on.... At the present it's HER money so she can do with it as she pleases.  So, I wouldn't count on that.  I would consider keeping a distance and just raising your family on your own terms.. Invite her to gatherings and be nice but, don't expect anything to change unless she wants it to.... Plan trips with your friends/children and be happy with what you have not unhappy with what you don't.... As for your sister DON'T tell her anything personal or speak ill of your mother/boyfriend etc....

Good luck

Answer 14

Put your time and energy into your children. They will love and respect you for it.  

Answer 15

How about you go have fun and shut up?