WHaT TO DO ABOUT MY 6 YEAR OLD????

Question

what do i do about my son who always cries when he looses a game we cant even play a game of basketball, a card game, a video game, nothing without him crying if things dont go his way...it gets to the point were know one wants to even play with him anymore, I have tried everything i can think of, i make him sit games out, then im the one feeling bad, i put him in his room, and he cries for about an hour, i have grounded him he has still not gotten any better...he does very good at everything, but in his mind he has to be the best, i dont understand because his brothers and sister are not like that, he is six years old ,,,any suggestions???

when it comes to anything else he is great, he really is a good boy, gets good grades and does great with others at school. I know he is a poor looser, what should i do?

Answer 1

Wow - this is a tuffy.  One year we put our youngest daughter in soccer (she was four at the time).  She was beyond aggressive: tackling not only the other team but her own teammates feeling that SHE should be the only one to score a goal while also attempting to be goalie on both sides of the field! It was nuts!  I'm not sure why some kids respond the way they do when it comes to games (whether the games/activities are competitive or not).  If times outs, groundings, and threats/ultimatums aren't working I would probably stop.  Has he watched any professional or college level sports?  Maybe if he sees some  'pros' reaction to loss it would help him. Also, watch and see if there is anyone he is in contact with that is maybe giving him the idea that winning is the only acceptable outcome.  Another suggestion would be to see if something else in his life is bothering him or on his mind - sometimes children react this way if something is on their mind but a)they're not sure how to deal with it or b)they're not even aware that something is bothering them and they just need someone to help them identify it.  I don't know - parenting is tricky stuff.  With today's world it does seem like children are putting so much pressure on themselves to be successful rather than just sitting back and enjoying being a kid.  Let him know that it is ok if he doesn't succeed at everything - that you're still going to love him and support him.  One more thing - maybe he feels pressure to be like a certain brother or sister that he looks up to?  My teenage daughter is ALWAYS comparing herself to her older sister and it drives me crazy!  I keep telling her all we want is for her to be herself - it's taking a lot of support, parental 'therapy' but we're finally making some progress - I hope!

Answer 2

If he cries when he loses, tell him that if he is going to be a sore loser he can't play at all.

Answer 3

um maybe he feels frustrated that maybe the games are too hard for him or he doesnt fully understand the rules so maybe he feels like you have an advantage that he doesnt have... you should play single player games so he can get good by himself. like electronic battleship :P

Answer 4

let him cry

it's annoying, but if you add to the upcoming generation of "participation trophy" -"everybody's a winner" evil little brats who do absolutely anything to anyone to win, im holding you personally responsable lol.

just let him learn that crying won't fix it.

he'll get it adventually, in the meantime, buy earplugs.

Answer 5

You say that he is a "good boy" in everything else. Maybe he is afraid of failing at games and having you judge him as no longer being a "good boy" because he lost?

Kids this age don't understand the idea of games that produce winners and losers yet, and that it's not a reflection on the value of him as a person. It's hard for them to separate the game from real life. Six-year-olds are very often afraid to make mistakes. It's part of normal development.

You said in his mind he has to be the best. Perhaps that stems from the feedback he gets about performing well (or not well) in other areas of life. My gut feeling from your description is that he wants to impress or please others very badly. He's not playing for the fun of it.

Instead of labeling him a poor loser, or punishing him for feeling sad, perhaps he needs to watch the games without playing, or be a "helper" to someone else in the family so that all the weight of winning is not on his shoulders. Maybe he could have an important job in the game that helps everyone, like passing out cards or keeping time, so that he can participate and still feel successful.

Answer 6

Six-year-old kids are big for crying.  It's something they often do, and I think it's because they're in their first year of being a "school-aged" kid, and the whole world of school-aged kids is a little more than they can always handle.

I don't think - particularly since six-year-olds tend to cry more than kids of other ages - it is fair to call your son a "a poor loser".  I think his problem is he hasn't yet been able to put into proper perspective the importance/lack of it of winning.  There's a difference between that and being a sore loser.

Six-year-olds don't always have the sureness older kids do.  They're among the youngest of school-aged competitors.  They often deal with kids older than they are and don't want to  be humiliated.  They still often care very much about what parents think.  If games are particularly exhausting for him that could make losing worse, and being exhausted or tired could make fighting off the urge to cry harder.

If he's a little boy who behaves well in school (which can sometimes mean having a lot of self-control for energetic little kids) and gets good grades, he may be a little more tense than some less well behaved kids are.  He may care more about "doing well".  He may take life more seriously.  Again, these are fine, but it could explain why letting off some steam by crying may happen.

Young kids know when older people let them win, but if older siblings or parents use their skill against six-year-olds six-year-olds can feel like they're always losing.  

Some adults have trouble reconciling having a "winning mentality" with keeping in perspective the importance of winning and losing in different situations.  Imagine how tricky it can be for a six-year-old.

If he were my son I would talk to him about winning, losing, playing, etc., but I would stop all game-playing with him in the house.  I'd tell him, "Let's just take a rest from games for a while.  I think they're too much pressure for you right now."  Build L'egos with him, color, do puzzles, play catch, ride bikes, etc. - just stay away from the winning and losing thing in the family.

I would talk to him about any after-school/Little League type activities, talk about winning and losing.  I'd ask him, "Do you think you feel grown up enough to be able to deal with losing, or do you think you'd like to wait until you're seven or eight, so you'll be more able to be ok with losing sometimes."  I'd tell him it was perfectly fine to wait on another while for competitive sports, and I'd make sure he knew that a lot of kids his age just aren't quite ready for competitive stuff.

I'd tell him about activities that involve being active without being competitive.

Just one final thought to make my point:  I'm am five feet two inches tall, and I would not be welcome on a basketball team for that reason alone.  Everyone knows that a person my height would not do very well among people who are well over six feet tall (and more than a foot taller than I am).  Neither would anyone want me - a woman - playing professional basketball with, say, the Celtics.  The young male players on a basketball team just have physical development that I will never have - and if I tried to play with them it would obviously be a pretty difficult and challenging situation for me.

If I decided to try and show people that I was "just as good" or "equal" to professional basketball players my attempt to prove myself would be met with humiliating failure in a big way.  How would someone try to make me feel better?  Would they say, "Don't worry.  You aren't as tall or as muscular or as skilled as the professional basketball players?"  That would remind me of my inferiority.

On the other hand, would they say, "Hey - you had your chance to play and show us you're just as good, and you proved that you're NOT as good - end of story."

My point is that the person who is too small, too young, or too anything isn't likely to come out on top if he tries playing with people who are older, more skilled, or bigger.   Another factor is, if he's younger than siblings, he's already trying to keep up with bigger kids even when he isn't playing games.

I think if you want him to learn to be comfortable with losing (and winning) he needs to be allowed to take a break from some of the competition for a while at home (and maybe outside with kids his own age).  Then if he decides he's ready to participate in something like Little League, make sure he understands that crying is a sign that he's not ready to deal with losing; and crying is a sign that he should find another kind of activity.

Something else to ask is whether he's a little boy who doesn't particularly like competition, teams, or games at all; in which case, every minute he's playing games he's not all that delighted doing it.  There's a chance that he's not crying because he lost.  Maybe he's crying because losing is the "unpleasant 'reward'" after playing games he may not really love playing anyway.  

One other thing is that if he, by any chance, is a highly intelligent little things could just bother him more than they would bother less sensitive kids.

There's a certain amount of of overlooking that older siblings and others have to do when a six-year-old isn't "the best sport".  I don't know if any of the thoughts I've offered at all apply or don't to your little boy, but I hope you decide not to think of him as a "poor loser".  Help him understand that his age makes it difficult for him to be able to deal with losing, so he won't come to see himself as "someone with a flaw" or "less of a sport than his siblings".

If other kids don't want to play with him because of what goes on, that's fine.  After a while he'll realize that nobody wants to play with him because of the crying, and in time he'll find a way to control it.

Answer 7

Well I have a little brother who is 7 and he was exactly like that last year. Sometimes you just have to let it go...and be like "yeah i won but maybe you will next time...just keep trying". I know that always helped my little bro kind of get over losing. Also say things like "I know you let me win" or "Well let's try again to see if you can do better". I hope this works...GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

Honey, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My five year old son does the same thing. I will try to explain it best without trying to hurt your feelings. He is spoiled. He has gotten used to having his way in the past and now expect it always. He cries only for the attention another way of winning. Get tough and don't back down not even a little bit. When your oldest kid tried that on you, I bet you didn't allow it. Well we always let the babies get away with murder because they are our babies, but the truth is they are not babies they are young children who expect to always get their way.

I take one look at my son pouting face and melt like butter and give in. Later on during the day, I regret giving in because he still didn't learn the lesson of you can't always have your way. Life will throw you a curve ball and you have to always be prepared for anything. We know that statement to be true and we teach our kids the same way of thinking. If he is like that at home how is he socializing with kids at school. I went as far as to reward my kids with video games only on weekends after they proved during the week they deserve to play it. Maybe rewards or incentives might help your crisis.

Best of luck!!!

Answer 9

Try and get him involved in something that is not a competition. Riding his bike, reading, watching TV

In the mean time many be he needs to have quiet time in his room before he has a melt, down does this happen usually around the same time 2-4pm old nap time?everyday, some kids need more rest especially if he is smaller.

Answer 10

From the sound of it, he has several siblings.  Perhaps his need to be the best stems from feelings of being just "one of the pack" as far as your family is concerned.  You might want to try finding a hobby or a sport or something that is unique for him, and encouraging him to do well in that area.  If something like that helps him to feel that he stands out a bit more, the problem you referred to in the question might resolve itself.

Answer 11

When I was a little kid, I did the same thing.  I loved to play games with the family, but would cry when I lost.  Why?  Because my sister would tease me about losing and tell me how pathetic I was and how the whole family thought I was a loser.

Answer 12

My daughter is like this,she is 7.The thing that works the best with her is to ignore the bad behavior.It is hard,but if she sees we are not going to pay attention she gives it up and plays without acting out.She is on the honor roll,and plays soccer-she only is a sore loser with family,but it is so annoying.Just try to ignore it,it may work for you as well.GODbless

Answer 13

This could be a slim chance, but check for depression.