WIFE SWAPPING??? This is a mess. Please advise?

Question

My sister's been married for 7 years and they have 3 young children together. I just found out that she and her husband have become sexually involved with another couple. As recently as last week, they had s*x with each other's spouses in the same room together! After which, my sister sat alone outside and cried because she wasn't able to watch anymore.

It was also just discovered that my sister and the OTHER husband have been sending flirty emails back and forth for months, apparently behind their spouses' backs (the other wife found out by getting her hands on her husband's work emails). Although both parties claim it was all innocent and nothing physical happened, the wife freaked and walked out on her husband. She immediately called my brother-in-law to meet with him and inform him of the emails. They ended up drinking and "talking" until 4 a.m. My sister believes they got together again that night, since they were together just last week. She says he went straight into the shower upon returning home at 4 a.m., which was unusual. She is just sick over this possibility and feels like everything is spiraling out of control.

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law -- who is normally a completely insecure and jealous person -- does not seem to care about the emails at all. He's actually totally fine with it, which is VERY, VERY unlike him. He just wants to patch things up quickly so the four of them can continue to "hang out" together. In other words, he wants the wife swapping and group s*x to continue.

I was supportive to my sister when she confided in me about all of this, and I don't have the guts to say it to her face, but I am TERRIFIED about what all of this means for their marriage. It's such a mess. My summary here doesn't even BEGIN to describe how horrible things are right now. Of course, there's nothing I can do to help with this situation except be there for her. But can you please tell me what sort of outcome she might expect??? Does anyone else have any experience with this sort of situation -- either in their own relationship or from observing others going thru it? Thanks....

Answer 1

Sweetie, you sister has helped to create this insanity and now she's crying in her tea about it? She flirts (and does other stuff) with a married man then is upset because the man's wife and her husband carry on together-what is THAT about? She can cheat but he can't?

And now after she has gotten into this with her husband I asume she wants to call it quits but he won't....well, he didn't open up that particular can of worms all by himself, right?

Most marriages do not survive this kind of behavior...and you can see why...one either becomes jealous even tho they are participating in it as well, wants to stop and the other doesn't....or one ends up leaving for somebody else.

I can only suggest professional counseling here...you can't fix it...and even then, I'm doubtful it'll work......one wants to have her cake and eat it too, as long as her husband can't eat his...so sad. Good Luck.

Answer 2

when another person or persons enter the marriage , it never works out well for long, I see it every week in my counseling sessions.. I am very sorry for them, but they need to seek a good counselor if they want to repair it.

Answer 3

what would you think if your sister says "yeah my sister has the worst sexual life ever" not pretty huh? thats HER sexual life, HER v****a and HER problem stay away!

Answer 4

yuo must have concern with a psycetrist and both are met with him only he is the person that will guide you because to read your problem i thought they are not stisfied with each other for s*x.you must do that will be a better solution.

Answer 5

man that is tough, you can give your body to someone outside of your marriage and expect to not feel anything, especially a woman we are sensitive people, and we feel like we have betrayed our vows, sounds like her husband has eaten the forbidden fruit and wants more.  

Answer 6

Ew. People are so gross. I'm glad I'm not in a disgusting marriage like your sister's. Tell her to work it out herself and just don't let this c**p happen to you.  

Answer 7

Does sound like a mess. Wow. Thats so sad, i cant believe she had to watch that. It sounds like he just wants any excuse to be with another woman and doesnt really care what she thinks or feels. Id say their marriage was over BEFORE the swapping even began. GL

Answer 8

It is a mess and that is why many people on this forum will tell you that that sort of thing will ruin a marriage.

The problem is that they did it wrong.  Swinging is a lifestyle not a fling.  If they had done it correctly, a good swingers club and followed the rules, they wouldn't be in that situation and would probably be happy.  It is not what you wanted to hear but there it is.  Swingers have a divorce rate more than 5 times lower than the national average.  There is a reason for that.

Answer 9

after the first paragraph all i wanna say is that this is way to messed up to keep on reading goodluck we cant give you good advices for fcked up situations  

Answer 10

This is so not good. someone will end up having strong feelings for the other person and hearts will be broken. It never works when you try to spice up your s*x life by bringing another person into your bed! Someone is bound to get severly hurt and it sounds like your sister already is.

Answer 11

this may take years to sort out. everyone has emotional scars and will have for some time, just be there to listen for your sister that is about the best you can expect.

Answer 12

Probably divorce.  Harsh, but true.

She may have initially agreed to the spouse swapping because either he wanted to do it or they wanted to 'spice up the marriage'.  Now she does not like the direction this new 'relationship' is going.

She emails the other husband, flirts and probably more occurs(honestly...think about it) and complains that her husband (your brother in law) might be doing 'something' as well.  What exactly did she expect would happen?

You are a good sister who is concerned about their marriage and possible repercussions to their children.  But remember...IT IS THEIR MARRIAGE.  

Just be there for her and the kids when all is 'said and done'.

Good Luck!

Answer 13

  I must admit I am a bit confused as to why your sister was upset when she seen her husband with the other wife , if she has been flirting with the other guy for months.

  I am not sure if your sister wants this to stop or just would rather not watch her husband and they could just choose separate rooms or something .

  I do know several people with "open marriages" that have had problems but usually there is no emotional involvement .  

Answer 14

this is not a mess, this is sick! You should have left out the children part because my bigger concern is not for her love, or feelings of her husband and marriage, but who is raising those children, and why!!!

Answer 15

Oh wow that is a mess. My only suggestion if they seriously want to stay together is that they get marriage counseling. Since there is no trust here anymore, they are going to have to slowly build that back up, if it's possible.

Honestly what they did with the other couple may have opened some doors that may not be able to close. Just hope for the best and be there for your sister.

Answer 16

Was she pushed into doing this by her husband?

Or was it a mutual decision?

Lots of people swing.

Am I the only person here that knows anything about the swinging life style?

Swinging is about trust and openness and truthfulness by all parties involved.

Many people swing and are normal healthy people with normal lives and families.

There has to be clear rules and boundaries way before you swing. And I don't believe anyone should just jump into it. It almost sounds like they are having affairs behind each others back which is not what swinging is about. I think this is a mess I totally agree.

You have to be really careful when you do things like this because of the emotions involved....

I would say they have all four crossed the line and should not "hang out" at all together anymore unless they want to end their marriages.

Swinging is no way to "spice up" "or save a marriage. The marriage must be strong and both parties in the marriage must feel that there partner is fully in love with them. They must believe that it is a pleasure mutually shared and not a threat or risk to the marriage. It is only for people who believe that marriage is not based on s*x and that s*x is a basic human need and that love is something totally different then that.

Both parties must be secure in the relationship and not jealous of the spouse’s sexuality.

And when you first start out there has to be lots of talk about thoughts and feeling and any party has to be allowed to call the whole thing off if they feel uncomfortable at anytime and everyone has to stop.

I say again. If they keep going one or more of the marriages will dissolve... It may be beyond the point of no return at this point unless all parties call it off and really work hard with communication to talk this out and possibly get counseling.

Swinging is not for everyone. And it sounds like they did not do their research first and it all went bad....

I am very sorry that your sister has had to go through this. I hope to god this all works out. She is not alone. This is not something that only strange people go through.

I think they should have started out by going to a strip club together and she should have both he hubby a lap dance and see how she felt.... But hind sight is 20/20 and you can’t change the past....

I wish her the best of luck.

I hope this helped a little.

I am not trying to preach, just give a little insight.

Answer 17

You are right...it's a huge mess.  I don't think a situation like this can end up good.  Like the other poster said, when you engage in s*x outside your marriage it is a recipe for disaster.  It's especially sad because there are children involved.  This can't be good for them to grow up in.  Seems like the husband doesn't really care that his wife is sending emails to another man, and solves the problem by going outside his marriage to the other woman.  Not good.

Answer 18

you need to ask your sister first, what was the rules agreed upon before they start swinging, was it agreed that they have s*x in separate rooms? were they agreed that non of them should have s*x with the other spouse behind the others knowledge? was sister forced for this relation or it was his own will? why after all these years she found out that its not appropriate to watch? what she was thinking her husband with doing with the other wife? definitely he was doing same what she was doing with that woman husband.

the only problem seems here is that the other husband wife is upset with the flirty Emails exchanged between sister and her husband, which i see is no big deal at all with such type of relation. this can be sorted out between the 4 of them specially sister husband agreeing with that.

the 4 of them has to sit and put rules before they go on.

that was my thought only on how to sort out the problem as I have strong feelings that the 4 of them will never stop or at least each couple will look for another couple to continue swapping.

I am totally against swinging, i will never accept that my woman can have s*x with another man, it was never even a fantasy for me.

Answer 19

Ohhhhh boy.  So many varied emotions - and no good ones towards the appropriate person.  Brother in law not caring about flirtatious emails...out until 4 with a woman he has s*x with generally - in front of his wife...wife crying because she can't watch hubby bang someone else anymore....other wife angry because she found out the other 2 who basically s***w in front of her may be getting it on on the side...

Nothing good will come of this.  Sounds like divorce court in its classic form.

Wife swapping is totally disrespectful - to everyone involved.  These 4 people need to grow up, get a life, before committing to anyone.

Both of these marriages will not last.  Without a doubt.

Answer 20

wow this sounds incredibly hurtful to all parties involved. especially their three children! your sister and her husband desperately are in need of professional marriage counseling. if he wont go with her she should go alone if only to gain some perspective. i can tell that this is hard for you but if they are still in love then their is some hope. but only if they cut this other couple out of their marriage and focus on repairing their own. they need to work on eachother and what is best for their family. your sister doesnt sound happy with this situation and she needs to communicate this to her husband. i know you must feel helpless but only time will tell how this will turn out. its all up to them...good luck!  

Answer 21

i think you need to explain to your sister two important things:  first, you can look upon this situation with little to no emotional strings because you are not in it therefore you are able to give her very sound advice, the second, that your adivice is this:  if she can;t handle what is going on, then she needs to stop.  she needs to tell her husband that this situation no longer works for her and he also needs to stop.  a situation like this can only exist if BOTH parties agree to it.  it does not sound like your sister agrees to it any more, so in the best interest of their marriage, HE will need to follow your sister's lead and also quit.  you need to tell your sister to step up to the plate and explain all that to her husband.  hopefully he is not too far gone.  good luck.  

Answer 22

Ok, number one, venting is fine, I have no problem with it. I have a serious problem with couples who refuse to look at the legalities of this. This goes beyond cheating, if one of them gets pregnant, you are talking about a boat load of issues for the kids. Find a good hose and turn it on all of them. Seriously. Wife swapping was something they did in the 70's, messed up a lot of people, spread diseases, and has ramifications. Its not a game. Its a sign none of them are happy in thier marriages and need counselling. When you start messing around with this kind of thing, you are playing with fire. Its bygamy. Tell your sister to get as far away from this as she can, go to counselling and to a doctor to be tested. It might not be your body, but if they came to you about it, burdoned you with it, you have a right to tell them you want no part of it, and won't be a part of the lies or games. Its selfish of them, tacky, could cause numerous problems for them at work if anyone finds out. Good luck.