Question:

WIll you give me some feedback on my Poem, please?

by  |  earlier

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As long as you’re next to me, I’ll always feel warm;

Even now in the mist of this terrible storm.

Your body would meet with mine, in innocent touch,

You’d kiss the back of my neck, but not too much.

Your sobering embrace, says that the world is well,

Brightening the skies, no matter how grim or fell.

Softer than babe’s breathe, you whisper in my ear,

How powerful your word must be, to dispel all fear.

Cast adrift am I now, to be without you – alone.

I might as well be a refugee, without hearth or home.

The cold winds come to me now, without your shelter,

With great will they throw my world helter-skelter.

Torrents of raindrops catch the moon and glitter,

Lying here alone makes all of nature’s romances bitter.

Thunder cracks and rumbles into the night beyond,

I’ll not flinch, an inch – as long I believe in our bond.

Turning to the bedside to look at the time,

I then suddenly notice something malign.

The portrait of us sat together in Venice,

Has been defiled – removed of your face.

The water seeping in through the window,

Melted the picture and left you a shadow.

Checking back at the clock by my side,

I’m counting the minutes ‘till you arrive.

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8 ANSWERS


  1. I like it.  It's very sad & thoughtful.  Hope it's not about you!


  2. Great use of the archaic form of fell.  Bringing the archaic form to new poetry is what good poets do, and you do it so well.

    This couplet doesn't FEEL right. Since you have established that you are alone, perhaps:

    Torrents of raindrops catch the moon and glitter,

    Lying here makes all of nature’s romances bitter.

    Fascinating ending -- how the raindrops erased her picture to a shade, and then to set it taken in Venice is unique (many vampire books are set in Venice).

    The ending is a great juxtaposition of the beginning; turning the events of loss into those moments of fulfillment -- perfect.

    Having read other comments, I must say the L2 works well with either mist or midst.  I like the usage of mist, which is a light and gentle touch of rain while in the storm.

    L5: 'Sobering embrace' is a new expression to me.  I may have missed many poems and books which use the phrase.

    As far as the balance of the poem, I think it reads very well and is truly fluent.   A beautiful poem.

    I've never been worried about the rhyming scheme; it is the flow of words that provide the ride.

    T.

  3. it's pretty good^^

  4. excellent!! we would love to publish this on our site

    http://www.poetrybysilvertongue.com/your...  

  5. This is a sweet love poem, although the 'innocence' is hard to take. The lines have a ragged rhythm and in order to make rimes you resort to words no longer in common use, such as fell.

    Every beginning poet needs to learn how to scan a line (this is called scansion). This is the art of working with meter in poetry, and there are lots of good books about it.

  6. Sometimes, the immediate rhyme scheme can come over as naive, but by changing to the ACBD pattern, this poem (with afew other alterations) could be reaklly nice. Here's what I've done to it:

    As long as you’re next to me, I’ll always feel warm;

    Your body would meet with mine, in innocent touch,

    Even now in the midst of this terrible storm.

    You kiss the back of my neck, but not too much.

    Your sobering embrace, says that the world is well,

    Softer than babe’s breathe, you whisper in my ear,

    Brightening grim skies, no matter how they fell.

    How powerful your word must be, to dispel all fear.

    Cast adrift am I now, to be without you – alone.

    Cold winds come to me now, without your shelter,

    I might as well be a refugee, without hearth or home.

    With great will they throw my world helter-skelter.

    Torrents of raindrops catch the moon and glitter,

    Thunder cracks and rumbles into night beyond,

    Lying here alone makes all nature’s romance bitter.

    I’ll not flinch, an inch –  I believe in our bond.

    Turning to the bedside to look at the time,

    The portrait of us sat together in Venice,

    I then suddenly notice something malign.

    Has been defiled – removed of your face.

    The water seeping in through the window,

    Checking back at the clock by my side,

    Melted the picture and left you a shadow.

    I’m counting the minutes untill you arrive.


  7. Hi! I often see these 'what do you think of my poem?' questions and read the clichéd poetry for my own amusement. I don't place an answer because I wouldn't want to dash the hopes of a prospective poet, even though their verse is atrocious. But, I like this one! I don't mean to be critical; I'm not a huge fan of poetry, so the fact that I actually enjoyed this one is a pretty good sign. I have a few recommendations, which you should completely ignore if they seem off the mark.

    Line 2: Do you mean 'mist' or 'midst'?

    Line 5: 'Sobering embrace' is a commonly used phrase, perhaps a cliché. I think it would be nice if you found your own way to express this.

    Line 7: 'Babe's breathe' doesn't sound right. Is it definitely not better as 'a baby's breath' or something similar?

    Line 9: Seems too fragmented. It's a powerful image, but the line isn't very fluent.

    Line 11: Winds don't really 'come to' people. Maybe there is a more apt way of expressing it? Perhaps not. Don't take these comments too seriously. I'm no expert; not even an amateur.

    Line 12: I think this one needs to be changed completely. Not sure it makes much sense.

    Line 16: Perhaps too fragmented, might need to be more fluent?

    Line 18: Lose the word 'then'?

    Line: 24: Maybe change to 'till' to 'until'? I know it gives it one more syllable than the previous line, but I think it sounds nicer.

    Other than that, just tweak the syllable length of some lines to make sure that they balance with the other half of the couplet, or fit in fluently with the rest of the stanza.

    What I really like is how the poem speeds up in the last two stanzas. I think you should keep that. The first four seem to be about you reminiscing, and then suddenly you drag the reader into what is actually happening. I like that. I love the last stanza. I think it gets across the image really well.

    But, the most important recommendation of all: ignore ANY of the feedback you get if it forces you to compromise on the emotions and sentiments which you really want to get across. It's your poem, and if it sounds right to you, then consider it a success. Hope this helps.

  8. It flows pretty well, but to really give it an even rhythm, try and make sure the two lines which rhyme have the same number of syllables.

    Another tip to all writing is "Murder your darlings", in that you should scrap the lines, or words that you are most proud of. This makes it sound less pompous, not that yours does.  

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