Waiting to adopt but have a question 4 any adopted as a child...?

Question

We are hoping to adopt a little girl from infant to toddler. Lately, some family members have been really pressuring me not to ever tell our child that she is adopted. I have very mixed feelings about this. For those of you who are adopted, what do you think? Is there a right age to tell? Or do you think you would have been better off never knowing? I don't like deception so my gut instincts tell me that the child SHOULD know....but any and all answers are appreciated!!

Answer 1

I think you should come out and tell her its not your fault that her parents gave her up. I was told and we still hadd contact  but  it was always told not to find them and so i moved away from home and into which is now my husband and i tryed to find them but it was to late for me to find my father and my real mother my mother ended up passing a way so she never could see her grandchildren. So trust your heart she won't be mad at you. I was always told by my grandmother parents are those that take care of you not those that don't want you anymore. Do what you think is right and if she wants to find her family later jsut be supportive and help her trust her that this is something she has to do. Just go with your gut and your heart will lead you to the right place. God bless and do what is right.

Answer 2

You should tell her when the time feels right.  I think you will just know when it is right.  My folks did.  I was eight.  I still remember the conversation.  I also have an older adopted brother.  He was told when he was six and he will tell you the same thing.  He still remembers.  They told him to allow him to understand how and why they were getting a "new" sister and she wasn't from the hospital.

She needs to know.  It will be important to her.  But don't dwell on the fact that she was adopted.  She shouldn't feel any differently than if she was naturally born into the family.  If you dwell with books and silly adoption stories, she may feel "different" from everyone else.  Special is one thing, but "different" is another story.

Answer 3

i was adopted when i was very young,my adopted parents had me from 3 days old,they told me i was adopted when i was 4 years old and i didnt understand but they told me every so often and in the end i understood,they told me so young due to my adopted parents being my grandparents,you must tell the little girl that she is adopted and keep telling her until she understands,if she found out from someonw else it would break her heart,its alot to take in anyway so its best coming from yourselves,

Answer 4

Tell them and do it early.  I am 42 and was told, by accident while in first grade.  I lived in a small town and all the parents knew and it got to their kids.  I was being teased on the playground about being "adopted."  (In reality, non of the kids including myself knew what "adopted" was, but it was just another word that meant that I was different.) My mother was crying at the kitchen table when I got home that afternoon, she waited for my Dad to come home and we sat down and talked about it.  I was more concerned with why my Mom was crying than that I had been adopted.  My parents explained that they wanted me badly that it the only way to have me was to adopt.  They explained what that meant and it didn't matter how I got my Mom and Dad.  They were my Mom and Dad and that's all I needed.  Telling me early is the best thing they could have done, they told me when it didn't matter.  I haven't searched out my birth parents, out of respect for my Mom, but have been thinking about it recently due to all the discoveries in genetics.  Long term health issues we have found are often passed on and that information could add years to my life, which is another reason to tell them.  Just some random thoughts about my situation.  Hope this helps, I'd be glad to talk if you would like.

Answer 5

I'm an adoptive mom and I've done an incredible amount of research on adoption. The current research tells you to tell the child that they are adopted ASAP. In fact, the social worker who does your homestudy will probably advise you to do so and will ask if you will. If you seem disinclined to do so, you might not "pass" the homestudy. At any rate, someone else said to start telling your child at birth. I agree with them. It's easy that way. You tell them the story adding on as they get bigger and can understand more. My daughter proudly tells her story to her friends and one told her mother that she wished she was adopted.  Remember the child will imitate YOUR attitude and they are VERY astute at knowing what your attitude is. Don't fake it. Really know what you feel before you adopt and be comfortable with it.

Answer 6

I am a mother through adoption and I think you should tell her. I started telling my children as soon as I brought them home from the hospital. Its not something the child should ever be afraid of. The have two families, birth and adoptive.

Answer 7

I'm an adoptive parent, but I agree with others that it is your child's right to know.

Also, as a strictly selfish aside, it will also be a lot easier for *you* if you tell her from the beginning. Then you never have to look for the right time. You also get the "practice" of talking about things before your child is hanging onto your every word choice and processing it. (My child is 7 and just starting to ask the tougher questions. I am very glad we're not "starting cold," if you know what I mean.)

I can see where "waiting for the right age" could easily turn into "never found the right age." I cannot imagine how tough a big late-discovery talk would be for the parent (again selfishly, as it must be exponentially more difficult for the child).

Answer 8

I was adopted at 5 so I already knew- no one had to tell me however if I had to pick which would've been better I would choose not being told.  I tried to contact my first parent and they wanted nothing to do with me when I was 18.  I was devestated.  In my opinion I don't think it's necessary to tell your new child unless there is a medical reason why he/she may need to know.

Answer 9

hi there im an adopted child.. and personally i think its a good thing to tell your child that she/he has been adopted.. Ive known since i was very young.. but  when you think its the right time to tell your child they've been adopted do it cuz later on in life they might find out and it may turn into something terrible.. wish you luck..

Answer 10

They definitely should know. You start to tell them the second they are born. They make storybooks all about adoption that you can read to your child. This is what I am doing. Also, I'd like to encourage you to have an Open Adoption. This is where you keep in contact with the birth mom. It can be as little or as much as ya'll decide on. We see my son's birth mom about once every couple months. It's wonderful. This also helps her as well. She can see that she made the right choice and that her son is doing great.

Answer 11

I think its best to tell the child, especially because there is nothing wrong with being adopted. All it means is that you loved them so much you wanted to raise them and their genetics don't matter at all. I know my uncle found out he was adopted when he was already in his 40's. That's tough. His dad was dying and they told him. That's a hard way to find out since no more questions can be asked at that point (his mother passed away and his dad did soon after). My uncle after that was able to find his adoptive family and found out he had a full sibling. Unfortunately my uncle died from the same congenital heart problem his mother did. But at least he was afforded the opportunity to find his biological family and trust me, he didn't love his adopted family any less.

Answer 12

You need to be honest with all your children about where they come from and their backgrounds.  I think some information needs to be age appropriate, but as far as being adopted in general, they need to know this very early on.  Why is your family so afraid of the truth about being adopted??  I dont understand that.  Look, if you are not truthful to your children, they will resent YOU, and rightfully so.  Honesty is defintely what your children need.....You can find resources on ohw to present this information to yr child when the time is right or maybe someone on this site can guide you

Answer 13

I was adopted from within my own family. My birth mother then became my sister as it was my Grandmother who adopted me to keep me in the family.  I never knew till the day my birth mother brought her twin daughters to my school yard and I recall sitting on the hill at recess and these two strange girls approached me and said your mom is not your mom.  I just said she is too and walked away.  Well it was not too long after this that she came to my house to visit and the girls came to my room to play.  They again told me that day that thier mom was my mom.  Well my Mom (grandmother) got mad at this and told her I told you I would tell her when I felt the time was right.  Chaos broke out that day.  Personally I wish I never knew she was my Mother but am glad as an adult to finally meet my real father.  An adoptive child will always have questions and be in seek of answers.  I did moveo out of my Moms house for a period of time to try to get to know my real Mom all I will say to that it was the biggest mistake of my life.  Just warn the child that if she choosed to go in search of her birth Mother/Father later in life to be prepared for the worst as well.  Be sure to tell her also that no matter what she has a home with you.  I will be 100% honest I am 35 and view my children as my REAL family and currently am not that close to any of my family.  Not even my real father.

Oh, I just want to add this because of my feelings on this matter right now. If you do adopt this child please for the love of God love this child as your own even in adult hood and do not have this child thinking ok you raised me for the pleasure of having a child and now I guess your job is done.  ie... I feel my children I have now are my life.  Yes, they are my real children 3 boys and trust me if I were to adopt now I would not tell my child  I would adopt a girl and I would nurse her and everything the same as I do my own now and when she is an adult I would be there even in her rough times then.  I would welcome this child as well as my 3 boys back into my home at anytime.

Why I say this I feel if I am down for any reason I will NOT call upon my family.  I have told my sons I would love to have them at any time if any problems at all to just call Mom.  I really mean that.

Re-ad number 3. lol  In the end it is your choice to tell her or not.  I guess I figure what one does not know cannot hurt them in the end.  But, if you do tell be there for each and everything for your child.

Answer 14

I am an old school adoptee.  I was born and adopted in the sixties.  My adoptive mother was always honest with me.  She even pestered me to search.  She too wanted to know my natural mother.  When the adoption agency denied me contact, she asked me to open and compassionate.  She still has faith in her.  

If you can , do an open adoption.  Bypass the agency on this one.  It is important for your child to understand his heritage.  Also make sure that you get a copy of the original birth certificate.  Give the natural mother a copy of the amended birth certificate.  If your child never searches, your child has the very basic document that is denied to me as an adult.  Honesty is always the best policy.

Answer 15

I was adopted as a newborn and I  have always known I am adopted I think the child should know not telling the child can result in resentment later and confusion wondering where they fit in.  Telling them  from the start will eliminate this and help them grow up knowing they were wanted by you as parents and you love him or her just as much as if you had given birth to him or her yourself.  GL with the adventure of adoption and the new little one in your family!

Answer 16

Well as you can see all adopted children where glad to know right from birth.  This is very important.  I have always known and never been bothered or upset by it.  I have a strong adopted network over my years of searching for my BIO mom.  I have had a few friends that found out later in life and it devastated "EVERY SINGLE" one of them.  No ifs and or buts.  Those kids were royally screwed up for years and some have never recovered.  I also suggest an open adoption if possible.  If you have any questions or want to know more feel free to e-mail me.  I am very much in tune with the adopted com unity and will share anything about it.

Answer 17

your family members are WRONG.. very very wrong.

the right age to tell? BIRTH.  your child's adoption story can be shared from birth on, in an age appropriate  manner, and should be!

Not only that, but I strongly encourage you to look seriously at open adoption.  your child deserves to have her questions answered from a very young age, and the only ppl who can answer ALL of the questions are the birthparents.

I don't remember not knowing that I was adopted.  It was a fact of life, like having brown hair and blue eyes.  I didn't think a lot about it until I adopted my son, and watched his mother go through her relinquishment.

Our son knows about his adoption, and has a very strong relationship with his other mother. (His father doesn't wish contact).

He's a well balanced, well adjusted kid.

if your child finds out at a later age, there is a good chance that she will never forgive you for lying to her.  DON"T DO IT.

Answer 18

She should be raised knowing that she is adopted and that it is equally good to being a biological child.

I'm not adopted, but my husband and his siblings are, and they have always known they are adopted and felt that it was a good thing. They had story books about it, their baby books acknowledged it, etc., etc.

It would be very traumatic for ANY person to find out later in life that they were adopted. So start out with it and let the kid(s) know that adoption is a beautiful thing and you are glad they were adopted.

Answer 19

I have always known I was adopted.  

If my parents hadn't told me somethings in life just wouldn't ahve made as much sense.  Nature vs Nuature will play out in your house everyday.  I don't look anything like my parents.  

I don't like the idea of lieing to a child for its life.  That doesn't start out a strong relationship.  Plus with being adopted it opens up a world of questions and helpful times when people are getting to know one other.  

Adoption is much more common in this day and age then it was back 25 years ago when my mother choose this for me.  Today adoption can be from stepfathers or grandparents.

I say you SHOULD always let the child know exactly who they are and where they came from.

"A mothers love doesn't grow in their belly, its grows in her heart."

Answer 20

I think she should be raised knowing that she is adopted and that it is equally good to being a biological child.

Answer 21

If you don't tell her she will feel betrayed, if she always knows she wont learn that it is any difrent, weird or not normal she will just know.

Answer 22

honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Her past is a part of her, she has every right to know and love the people she comes from, not telling her will jeopardize her relationship with you in the long run and she will find out!

check out www.latediscovery.org and see how others feel when they find out late in life that they were adopted.

Answer 23

It is hands-down unethical and immoral to NOT tell a child he or she is adopted. It's their truth.  Your gut instincts are correct - you should follow them and stand by your decision. Your family members need some education in this area.  Kids should be aware of their reality as early as possible.

Answer 24

My brother and I were both adopted from different families.  We grew up knowing we were adopted and also made to feel special, just because we were "chosen".  I think your gut instinct is absolutely right.  I remember in school being proud to tell my friends that I was adopted.  I think that if my mother would have waited I would have had a feeling of shame as though she were ashamed or afraid to tell me, therefore giving it a negative feeling.  Go with your instincts!!

Answer 25

I'm adopted and I have always known I was.  I would definitely tell her.  It wouldn't be fair to her if you didn't.

I'm glad my parents told me at a young age, so I grew up knowing I had another family out there.

Answer 26

i would think that this is information about them and they should know everything you know. no, it isn't ideal, may seem unfair to them, but you did not make the decision to give them up for adoption... you were the one that came in and gave them a loving home. it is up to you as adoptive parents to erase any negative feelings they have about themselves.

Answer 27

I'm a birthmom and I have an open adoption. My little girl is going to know right away. The birthdad and i are making scrapbooks of our lives for our little girl so that she'll know who we are, where she came from, what we're like and who she looks like. The adoptive parents are also scrapbooking her adoptive story. If you can, maybe get pictures of the birthparents, so if your child wonders, you can show her what she looks like. I like the open adoption because it lets me know what is going on, I get emails and pictures and I get to see her grow up. Then if they need any medical history or anything like that, they can contact me. Open adoption is nt for everyone. Maybe consider a semi-open so if there are questions you have someone to contact. Also lets the child know that they aren't forgotten. I love my baby lots and I'm so glad that she will always know who the birthdad and I are.