Was I right? what to do about my mother?

Question

I am 31 years old married and have an 10 year old, my mother and I do not see eye to eye on many things she has terrible relationship choices and as a result stopped dating for a long time, she has in the past blamed me for "causing men to walk out on her" because I would misbehave when new men were around ( I was a kid and was probably upset at the constant disruption) inevitably they would leave so I refused to get close to many of them

recently she told my son that she had a surprise for him that it was something that he always wanted but it would have to stay at her place, and that she wanted to go out for a movie, he was excited for 2 days.

My son and I go over and she says surprise and there is a 35year old guy with tattooed sleeves sitting on her couch! She is 50. She said to my son that he was going to take care of nanny, then she expected me to just leave so they could go out to a movie together,

I apologized to they guy and said I mean not disrespect but I do not know you and I am a bit taken aback, he asked me not to judge him on his appearance, I laughed pulled up my pant legs and revealed my not yet completed tattoo "socks" My mother then threw a hissy saying that I don't want her to be happy and that I never wanted her to have a boyfriend and why I don't trust her judgement

I told her that is was stupid to tell my son that and that she has no right to introduce anyone to my son unless it is ok with me, my concerns are that this will not last long and maybe my son will become attached or this guy will hurt her and he will have a hard time with it, I think it is inappropriate until the relationship is a bit more solid (a month or so old) she told me to get off my high horse.

was I wrong? I am just at this point looking out for my son, and why after being a single mother for all these years would she not want to be without a child to have dates why all three of them go out? without any disregard for my authority as a parent or my sons comfort level.

Answer 1

Never question your feelings about what is safe for your child. Like you said, you don't know this guy. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with someone I didn't know, even if my mother was there. You don't know anything about him. Stick to your guns. You can't risk your son's well being just to make mom happy. Good for you.  

Answer 2

you were absolutely right in your reaction. it would be one thing to stop by for a supervised introduction, but it's absurd for her to expect you to leave your son overnight with a stranger in the house. even if this man claimed he was a preacher and there were no tattoos in sight, i wouldn't have left my son there!  

Answer 3

wow...you all sound like a jerry springer family.

Answer 4

I think you handled it wonderfully and are definitely not wrong! You looked out for your child, asserted that he is YOUR responsibility as opposed to your mothers AND made sure that in doing so you provided good logical reasons for it and didn't do anything worthy of offense. Your mother clearly has some major issues with relationships and with you, but you are 100% in the right. To hand your son over to a single mother who can't stay in a relationship and some random man you know nothing of would be absolutely terrible! Even if it is "just to see a movie". All this talk of you not wanting her to be happy is just ridiculous, you were a kid those other times, so what you did was totally excusable and now you're simply doing what is in the best interests of your childs wellbeing and she's probably angry that she didn't have a better child in her opinion, so wants yours. That said, you might want to be a bit careful of her when she's around your son. It's probably not the case, but there could be a possibility of her attempting to simply take your son since you won't hand him over to her. It shouldn't be an issue though because legally, she couldn't possibly get away with it. Keep a bit of an eye out though, because she did expect you to just take your son over to her place and leave, so it sounds like she desperately wants a family consisting of her, a man and a child.

Answer 5

You need to chill out a bit! I do agree that you should have been introduced first as a family, but you freak out a bit much and a little over dramatic!

You could have just gone along then processed the whole thing with him later.

He probably is "taking care of her" in the bedroom!  Who knows maybe they were meant for each other and he will be your new daddy!

Answer 6

Hi, You did exactly what i would have done in the same situation. I am 41yrs, and have two children. I would be very wary of any 'person' who suddenly appeared on the scene, and would not let my children go with them, even if one of them was my mother. My childrens safety is paramount, and in todays society you can not take risks. I would want to meet him a number of times, and even then, like you said you don't want your son to become attatched, to someone who may not be around long. Your mother should understand this and respect your wishes. The fella, would have understood this if he is a decent type and has kids too, only time will tell. Hope all works out for you.

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