Was anyone suppose to have an open adoption but their adoptive family cut off contact with the birthmother?

Question

please share your stories!

Answer 1

Um, ok. I'll try to keep this short. At 20, I gave my first born son (T.) to an infertile couple (L & D) who I considered to be close friends. (Unfortunately I had met them while in early pregnancy and when T's Dad decided he didn't wish to parent with me, I decided that adoption to L & D might be best. He agreed.)

I felt bad for them (9 years of TTC and 2 "failed" adoptions - one child was born severely drug addicted and was taken be CPS, the other FM decided to parent.) They promised us a very open adoption, to adopt a sibling and a few other minor things.

Everything was great at first - we were like one big extended family. 2 years went by and during one of our regular calls I asked why they hadn't started the process for T. to have a sib. They informed me that they had changed their minds b/c they wanted the kids to have open relationships with both their 1st moms and what if it weren't possible to find another "birth mom as perfect as you".

Stupid me convinced my hubs that we needed to have a child for T. (I desperately wanted him to have someone to share his childhood with.) When it came time for our daughter to be born, things really started to fall apart. D. came to stay with us. She promised to bring T. to visit, and showed up without him. She was rude and weird the whole time she was waiting for me to "hurry up" and go into labor. Lots of other red flags that I ignored b/c I was so fixated on keeping promises to my son.

After the delivery and some hospital drama b/c of D.'s hysterical scene in my maternity room, we let them take L./H. back to CA. I had a bad feeling about the way everything had gone down but everyone kept reassuring us it was nerves, stress, etc.

Suddenly our contact was less and less. D. had a hysterectomy and I was diagnosed with cervial cancer within weeks of L./H.'s delivery. Just before the finalization, we were having a convo. and I told D. I was going to have surgery and had been told there was a possibility I could be rendered infertile. I was scared and wanted her advice on what to expect.

SHE FREAKED. She told me that SHE was their mother and would never think of letting me have them back. I got POed - I never asked her to! We argued, she hung up.

I tried to call the next three days in a row to apologize for losing my temper- I still felt sorry for her and figured it had just touched a nerve. No answer. Left 1 message a day for three days. Fourth day the # was disconnected. They moved. I had surgery, sucessfull and still able to have kids (whew!).

Recieved a letter stating "WE ARE NOW THE PARENTS" & "IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN"..."NO CONTACT".

We moved to CA (my husband's hometown where his family and kids from his first marriage live in Southern Cali - they're up north so it was a 7 hr. difference.) to be closer to the kids. We decided to hire a lawyer (to get mediation & contact), did mediation, got to see the kids for an hour on L's 4th b-day, while L. & D. watched through a one way mirror. The mediator was extremely sypmathetic and told us that L.& D. were un-cooperative and thankfully took pix - I still have all his notes - he felt we might need them to show the children someday. I was pregnant with K. at that visit - so what were they so worried about? I just wanted them to keep their promises.

When K. was born, I needed to move home to be near my Mom and Dad (who was dying from MS complications). Back to the east coast we went.

D. sends a random blank card and fuzzy pix, I guess whenever she needs to "feel" that she's keeping her word. I have kept EVERYTHING, from the beginning, to hopefully show the kids someday.

I admit I didn't do everything right and lost my temper with her, but she broke her promises, treated me & IMO, the KIDS like dirt and I don't know if I can ever forgive her.

I am still married to hubs and we have two beautiful boys who know all about their sibs. T.'s First Dad & I are still good friends. We talk regularly about our son and plan to keep in touch so neither child will ever have to look far to find both parents. Hubs and T's dad are even friendly and we visited last Oct. in Cali. While I'm waiting, I'm doing my best to educate others and hopefully see to it that some reform happens. So that's the short version of the last twelve years of my life with adoption. (I left out a whole LOT!!!) Thanks for being interested!

Answer 2

Happily my extended family has dodged the "open" adoption bullet that has become a popular enticement in recent years (our grief is from the cruel, baby scoop, closed adoption era).  My opinions about current adoption practices have been formed around the experiences of my daughter's best friend who lost her first son in an open adoption scam.  They promised her the sun, moon, and stars, and then disappeared after she signed final papers.

I am convinced that in most cases "open" adoption is nothing more than a scam to pry a baby out of the arms of an unsuspecting natural mother.  Very, very few adoptions are truly open where the importance of the natural family is respected by the adopters.

Answer 3

Sadly, I saw this happen with some regularity during my years working in adoptions.  Many adoptive parents don't know how to include the birth parents long-term in their "family", or understand the importance to the child of having more loving adults in his/her world.  They do seem to often feel threatened by the presence of the birth parents in their lives and that of the child.

Write a letter to be in the agency file, to your child, in the event you lose contact.  That way your child can one day discover "how things were supposed to be" and that your love has been ongoing.  

It is good for adopting parents to realize that one day the child will be an adult and it is very likely contact can be established with birth family.  Will the child hear that birth family was cut out of his/her life by the adoptive parents?

Adoption is a sacred trust in the human family, between people who share a love and concern for a child.  Trust that the truth will come out one day, and those who broke their word or violated that trust, will find unhappiness has come to their doorstep.

Answer 4

There is no story to tell.  Once the adoption is complete and the 6 month post adoption time frame has passed, the birth mother had no rights and the adoptive family has no legal obligation to fulfill any promise of contact.  It's not a contract.  Is it morally wrong? Sure.  Is it illegal? No.

Answer 5

No.  The biological parents would be able to open up the lines of communication again.  All they would need to do is hire an attorney to take care of it.

Answer 6

Continuing contact agreements are enforceable to a point.  The birth parent can contact the agency or attorney by certified letter requesting that the contact be honored or enforced.  If that does not correct the situation, then an attorney can draft a letter and send to the agency or attorney.  This is provided that the adoptive family does not have a valid reason for stopping the contact, such as a birth parents drug use, violence, or inconsistent contact.  There was a key case with Gladney Center in Dallas with a birthmother who sued over the continuing contact broken contract -- and won custody of her baby.

Answer 7

I have an opposite situation. I adopted my step daughter in May anf the BM was supposed to stay in contace. My husband and I have had custody of the little gitl (now 2) since she was 8 mos old). Before the adoption the BM was in the child's life for visits and she called several times a week to check on her.

After the adoption was final she asked "So now I get to quit paying child support" we told her she had no further financial obligations to the baby but hoped she would stay around.

Well that lasted a couple of weeks until she met a man online. She moved to another state and changed her cell phone number.  

We tried contacting her thru her mother when the baby had multiple seizures but not even her mother heard back from her

A relative of her new boyfriend told us that the BM was trying to get pg. So I guess she has decided to forget that she had this beautiful little girl adn move on and have another baby....

Oh and the reason we got custody in the first place is that she left the baby alone for over 3 hours at 8 mos of age to go hang out at the local meth house...She let me adopt because she was tired of the court ordered child support.

Answer 8

Yes

Answer 9

Sadly, this seems to happen all too often, and from this adoptive mom's POV, it's a d**n shame. And unfortunately ultimately it is the child who will pay.

I adopted from China and I would have done anything to have a relationship with our daughter's mama.

Answer 10

This is the #1 "perk" for IA.  

Domestically, many children aren't even told they were adopted until they're an adult.

Internationally at least a-parents can't lie about it. Its a little more difficult when they're Chinese or Hispanic and your not.

I sure there have been cases though, of some a-parent trying to pull it off.  

Good luck trying to get someone to admit they cut the mother off for the wrong reasons.

Answer 11

I knew women who did,but one lady I knew regretted the abortion and was torn up emotionally for years for having the abortion.