Was it wrong for my mother to have acted like this before/at my wedding?

Question

My mother is very much a southern woman. They paid for my wedding and my mom felt like the hostess. The biggest problem for my husband and his family is that she virtually left them out of all the decisions. When my husband's family got there (they live 8 hours away), they found that there was no head table (they're from the north where head tables are common, but they aren't as common in the south). They were quite upset. They also were upset that my mother was acting like it was her wedding instead of my husband and my special day. My husband was angry, too, but the wedding went off very well. My decisions didn't matter so much, either...a problem that my mother and I argued over forever. Are most weddings like this or was my mother way out of line?

Answer 1

Yes. I think she needs to grow up. Most weddings aren't like that. She's an adult, no offence or anything, but she needs to act her age.

Answer 2

Sounds like a wedding bully to me.........and no, the majority of weddings are not like this....mama pays so momma plays the Princess.......

...and the wedding did go off well....

Do you want to off set this?...Think about having a nice first anniversary party...make sure Momma is a guest only-you & your guy arrange & host it yourself and make sure the in-laws are treated as very welcomed guests...good luck.

Answer 3

It's over, so don't worry. Your husband's family needs to get over it, you need to get over it. Just accept that your mom is kind of pushy and enjoy newly married life!

Answer 4

She shouldn't have done so, however the fact that no one else co-ordinated what was happening (like if there was going to be a head table) makes it difficult to say it was her fault. If there were attempts made to include everyone, and your mother overrode them, then I would say that her behaviour was unfortunate, and that you did well to keep the peace by making some sacrifices.

Answer 5

she was 100% out of line and she seems extremely selfish to turn it around to be "her day" and  to make everyone feel unwelcomed and not a part of you and your husbands special day.

Answer 6

The majority of decisions are usually made by the person paying for the wedding, so in this case your Mom wasn't exactly out of line.

Being a southern woman, she probably behaved absolutely appropriately to the norms of her area.

What would have helped the situation would have been for you to mediate.  Explain to your fiance and in-laws what the norms are for a 'southern wedding' and if they took offense to something then you could have brought it to your Moms attention and asked her to modify things so they wouldn't be so shocked.

There are regional norms that shock people who are unfamiliar with them

I attended a midwest wedding - I am not from the midwest - where the day after the wedding everyone attended a gift opening party!  Yup - the newlyweds sat in a big circle and opened all their gifts then passed them around for everyone there to 'check out'.  I will never forget sitting next to one lady who flipped my parents card over and in a very offended tone of voice asked "who is Aunt X and Uncle Y and why on earth would they pay $5 for a wedding card???"

Everyone who was from the northeast (as we were) was shocked and horrified at this practice, but for the midwest it was apparently perfectly normal.

Answer 7

I think most weddings are like this. I'm getting married in November (hence the name) and my fiance' and I are doing a very, very, VERY non-traditional wedding. We're aren't atheists, but neither one of us are very religious. We're seasonal church goers (X-mas only). My mother keeps badgering me to have the wedding in a church and telling me over and over that she wants this specific church hymn sang, and she wants me to take out my nose ring for the wedding and wants these flowers, and these appetizers, and this preacher, and these songs, and blah, blah, blah. She even screwed up my wedding colors. I was going to do black, red and white, but she bought a brown dress so I had to change my colors. She is really trying to call the shots in my wedding. Your mom was way outta line just like mine is being now. Oh and I know what you mean about southern mothers. Mine is so southern its creepy......right down to her big texas hair.

Answer 8

Well, for me this is how my wedding is turning out to be. The only difference is my fiance and his family dont care. But that doesnt change how I feel. I have tried to put my foot down, but she always finds little ways of saying "We need this or we have to do it this way" Its SO annoying. I wish I would have eloped!! But all I can say is its one day that starts the rest of my  life with my husband. Now that is what makes me so happy about it all.

Answer 9

No not all weddings are like this but i just think your mum wanted what was best for you as in you are still her 'baby' and always will be.  You should talk to her aabout it but dont be 2 harsh as i dont think it was out of spite she did this more like taking the stress off of you and ur hubby. She was out of order but i dont think it was purposely. hope this helps.x

Answer 10

I think she was a little out of line but then again, she paid for it. My dad is paying for my wedding and he could care less about the decisions I make, as long as it is what I want.

I would talk to your mom, tell her how you feel, and how she made your husbands family feel uncomfortable.

Maybe now that the wedding is over she will realize how she behaved. She probably just wanted your day to be special and went a little over board.

Answer 11

My mother planned my wedding. My mom paid for everything and planned everything. My Mom has good taste, so I didn't care what she picked for my wedding, my mom has elegant taste.  Did your husband parents pay for anything because if the answer is no. Then your mom has the right to decide everything for the wedding because it is her money. She might be planning your wedding and you might feel she is planning her wedding. The question is does she know you and if the answer is yes. Then she will know how you want things decorated for your wedding. She wants you to have a nice wedding. While she is planning your wedding she has a budget and not every second she has time to consult you. She probably felt easier to plan things and do it the way she thinks you will like it. Give your mother a brake she did the best she could to make you happy.

Answer 12

Most weddings were someone else pays for them usually go that way.  Unless you and your mother have such a strong relationship were you can discuss these things as they come up.

Answer 13

Since it is already done and over with, maybe you should tell your mom that his family felt left out and she probably should've done the planning with your husband's family too.  Ask her how she would have liked it if it was her that was left out?  This may be over, but what if you have children together and your mother wants to throw you a baby shower?  It is better to get it out in the open and let her know that people were hurt because she didn't include them.

Answer 14

I think your mother was  a bit bossy. It is your day - one of the most important days of your life. I would have told my mother (gently) that my husband-to-be and I want to make the majority of the decisions. But, to make her feel included, I also would tell her that we would definately consult her for her expertise when it is needed. It was kinda wrong that she assumed all control. Even if she did pay for it, it's not right to exclude the other's family.

Answer 15

My wedding my husband's mother did everything I just picked the colors. One I didn't want the stress and that stuff didn't matter to me. Two she was great at doing parties and an expert at it. I have heard of similar things happening to other people.And 3 our wedding was in Denmark and we lived in the states. So it was just reasonable for her to take care of it. I am very thankful for that.I personally didn't get bothered at all by it because I wanted the least amount of stress and to focus on us not so much the party. It was important for both me and my husband that we remain focused on the fact that we were uniting. So I guess what I am trying to say is all that really doesn't matter. What matters is the two of you are joining your lives in love. All the other things are just petty. Yeah I'm sure it caused a riff between your husband's family husband and your mother. Just remind all of them what your wedding was really about. Mothers will be mothers and what you are describing sounds a lot like every mother I have ever known. They just want the best for their children and are set in their ways over time. Sometimes what they think is best is not always what you consider best.You just have to take it with a grain of salt and remember where all this is coming from. Her heart cause she loves you. It makes it easier to forgive that way.

Good luck.

Answer 16

Who pays the piper, calls the tune.

Sorry, if you wanted YOUR decisions, then you should have paid for the whole thing.

Good luck

Answer 17

Well this is only my thoughts, and what I have seen in the past.... Your mother did pay for all of the wedding so in all fairness she was the host of the party she was throwing for her daughter and new son in-law. Yes she may have over step the line a bit, but no more then his family having a fit over where a table was placed. Every one needed to calm down and let you two do as you wanted.

I would try in let it go.....(it going to be very hard!  know Sister in law was a issue for me) I would try to look at how wonderful your day went and if it comes up (I am sure it will) Try to change the subject to oh mom thank you for the lovely wedding, that table set (fill in what she helped you pick out) it so perfect and made the hall look great. Then hopefully you can talk about the wonderful things that happened that day and try to avoid the bad.

Answer 18

From experience you tend to find that when the daughter gets married its the mothers chance to show off to friends and esp family! in addition to this, when the parents are paying, you can feel a little obliged to go along with what they want.... but sounds like it all turned out alright, and lets face it, really the wedding day shouldn't be the be all and end all... maybe make a point of pampering the in laws??

Good luck for married life!!

Answer 19

Oh yeah, your mom went way over the line. She was rude to your (and her) future in-laws. I understand her feeling like she should run things because your her daughter and also because she paid for it, but it's YOUR day, not hers. She should have shared the decision making with you... "I was thinking of this color for the center pieces... what do you think?"

I know it is hard to argue with your mother, but you are an adult now and she should treat you like one. Put your foot down. Say, "Mom I respect what you are doing for me, but if you don't work with me, then I'm going to put on the wedding without your help."

obviously it's too late for you to say this, but it can be extrapolated to other situations. I would also tell her that she offended your in-laws. Tell her that you would like her to apologize so you can make amends with your new family.

Answer 20

Well I don't know, it depends. Are you her only child or better yet, the first to get married? If so, she really wasn't out of line. She was probably just very excited and wanted everything to be wonderful for you. Even if the answer was no to those questions, she probably had no idea she was taking over. If your husband's parents are still mad...just try your best to mend things by having both sets of parents over for dinner or something...and just have some nice conversation. If they aren't mad, don't worry about it. I don't think anyone is mad at you, at least there's no reason for them to be. Maybe you should just tell your mom how you felt for future reference. I'm sure she just wanted the best for you and your husband. Hope everything turns out how you want it to.

:)

Answer 21

I'm sorry, but your mother is right.  Traditionally, it is the bride parents that pay for the wedding. Your husband and you are wrong to complain because you may have not had a wedding without the help of your mother.  

My first fiance's family was like your husband's family.  My parents insisted on paying (which I did not mind), but my fiance's family made a big stink and made plans behind even my back

My husband now and his parents were completely the opposite. They only paid for what was traditionally to be paid by the groom's family.

Answer 22

she was out of line to not consider different family traditions and involve otehrs, especially your ideas!

Answer 23

she shouldnt have acted like that.

she was out of line.

the wedding was your big day.

she shouldve respected that.

Answer 24

I'm sorry to say this, but you are the one most at fault.  It's all over and done with now, but if I were you, I'd apologize to your husband and his family.  Tell them you should've stood up to your mom and made sure she didn't take over like she did, but you are SURE she meant no harm.  It is very important that you both apologize AND defend your mom.  You do not want to start your new life with in-law tension.  It will linger forever if you do.  You are the go-between and it is up to you to make the peace for the sake of all relationships involved.  Tell his parents they are very important to you, your mom simply got carried away with the stress and pressure of creating a beautiful wedding for the two of you.  I wouldn't say anything to your mom, but I'd take this as a lesson learned and know that in the future, you need to step in and make sure she doesn't take over again (I'm sure she was just trying to to her best considering you are her daughter, she was paying for everything, etc.).  Please don't make her cry or feel you don't appreciate her hard work.  I'm sure she busted her butt and it was all for you.  Also, your in-laws need to chill out a bit.  They didn't pay for anything, so that leaves them more powerless.  If they wanted to be a bigger part of the decision making, they should've spoken up before it was all said and done and possibly thrown in a little cash.  Assuming things would go their way was just naive.

Answer 25

Sounds like Mama is a control freak.

It was YOUR special day.

Not hers.

You should express that to her.

Also, upsetting people at YOUR wedding, is a pretty big deal. It would not be tolerated if it were my wedding.

Just my 2 cents.

Answer 26

The way I see it, she was the hostess and therefore got to make decisions.  Your in-laws really had no say in how things were set up or done as they weren't hosting the wedding.  It would have been nice for your mother to work with you on the details since it was your wedding, but she didn't, and you allowed her to plan and pay for the wedding.  Of course she did what she wanted.  It's too late to wish you had done something else in controlling your wedding.

Answer 27

It was wrong for you to let her act that way. I'm from the South, and I know how these types of women can be. You should have put your foot down and made sure your husband and his family also had their ideas considered. He also should have stepped up. There's no reason to let her pay if it isn't going to be your day.

I'm sorry, but no one can walk all over you unless you let them.