Was this immoral of me?

Question

an ex girlfriend of mine has lied to me a lot of times about various things. recently i bought some plane tickets to visit her in norway (as shes working there) but she said she has to work during the 2 weeks that im there, and i cant stay with her. i wasnt sure if she was saying this just cos shed changed her mind about seeing me or something, so i told her i didnt trust her. then she got kind of annoyed and told me i shouldnt be friends with some one i didnt trust etc. (she has a point there.) but i dont know if i should be feeling guilty? cos i actually broke up with her because she used to lie to me, and she just made me lose £55 or so on tickets, and she didnt bother calling me about it to tell me if she could change when she was working. (her excuse for not calling me is that she couldnt afford it, which is stupidly ridiculous.) she also didnt call on my 20th birthday on friday.

so should i feel bad? or is she just being selfish/ manipulative in trying to make me feel bad and telling me im upsetting her and she doesnt want me as a friend?

thank you

Answer 1

Why feel guilty after such uncaring treatment? Why should you be friends with someone you can't trust?

There seems to be a glitch in your communications, too.

It's a rotten birthday prezzie, love, but I think she's trying to give you the elbow.

Write the whole thing off as a bit of experience, don't pay her the compliment of feeling sad, guilty, bitter or even hard-done-by. Wish her well (try to mean it, you'll feel better) and get on with making your 21st year the best ever.

All best wishes to you!

Answer 2

No, it was not immoral of you.  

Answer 3

You shouldn't feel guilty.  No, it wasn't

immoral.

It seems your girlfriend has a

problem being truthful with

you.

It's best to find out earlier

she isn't right for you then

after you've spent a lot

more.

Answer 4

you bought the tickets.you really should have thought about what you were spending your money on when being pulled around by the shirt tail.been me ide have stayed were i was at and partied

Answer 5

NO, NO, NO, NO! It is not your fault and you should not feel guilty about anything.  

First of all, if the two of you are having this long distance relationship thing going here, and you tell her you are coming to see her.... and her excuse is she has to work? Well, I bet she doesn't work 24 - 7, so you can be on your own while she is working, then the two of you can hang out and do anything you want.  Plus, she tells you you cannot stay with her? WTF? That is ridiculous.  In my own honest opinion, it sounds like she has another boyfriend, and doesn't want to get caught.  

I am sorry people feel like they have to treat people like this.  You need to let this girl go.  It sounds like you are a nice guy, and she will come to realize this, when it is too late. But you don't deserve to have a cheating GF around the world, who does not want you to come see her.  

Oh and she missed your birthday? How selfish of her.  She did not have to buy you big expensive gifts.  I am sure all you wanted was to hear her voice, and have her say it to you.  And if she claims she cannot afford long distance calls, come on, that is a low blow.  A few minute phone conversation on your birthday would have cost her a few bucks. That is it!  

I am sorry. I am sure you are hurting in this situation, but you need to walk away and find a woman that is crazy about you.

Thanks for reading!

Answer 6

It doesn't sound like you should be feeling too bad. Of course, I've only heard your side of the story, but the fact that you seem willing to reflect on the possibility that you may have acted immorally is a good sign. You're displaying a concern for her feelings as well as yours.

If she has definitely lied to you, and has done so on many occasions, then you were not being showed the amount of respect that each individual should treat another with. You cannot be expected to trust somebody who has lied to you on several occasions. It's a big demand. On the other hand, people do reform their ways, and she may have given up the lying habit.

You also need to be clear with yourself about whether you want her in your life as just a friend, or something more.

At any rate, if she still values you, perhaps she should have called on your birthday, and made more of an effort to see you in Norway. Talk it over with her. Be patient, honest and reasonable. Voice all your concerns. If it doesn't work out well, then maybe you should spend your time and effort on a more reciprocating friend.

Hope it all works out ok.  

Answer 7

yes it was

Answer 8

You do say EX girlfriend. By the way you explain things , I think she is trying to give you a kind sort of elbow. Mates don't always phone mates on their birthdays and as for the ticket money, put that into your experience file. I think you maybe looking for more than she is willing to give. Can't see you have done much wrong just perhaps expecting to much

Answer 9

There is no reason to feel bad about anything already, especially not about yourself. I think you are a genuine person, but I think you need to take an objective view of the situation. If you call the person ex, and already blamed her for her moral failing, i.e. lying, then I think you should no pursue the relation any further.

Your ex might have invited you to come but invitation it seems was only formal - I understand people try hard to end a relation amicably, i.e. leaving without a lasting hurt.

This is of little matter in this case as how much you have spent, something that you particularly feel about. I think the main point here is to see if your ex is really working. For if she is working in a foreign country, which is not always an easy thing to do, then you need to appreciate that as well. You could have asked her about her work and about difficulties she might be having fitting in.

This is true in all human relations that we cannot love or befriend each other without security of mutual faith and trust, for doubt is one things out of few that eats relations the way acid eats metal. Instead of doubting her and causing yourself hurt your instead could have known all about her work, form her, as what is she doing, where is she working, for how long and when, for instance.

I do not think this is a situation for you to feel immoral. I think you should be open, honest and brave to your self. You could still restore a failing relation, if you are interested, but first you need to be objective and realistic, I think.

Answer 10

I think she is being rude, if she couldn't call you why couldn't she email you? Doesn't she have one person who could let her use their computer. I think she was manipulating you. For your own interests I would not pursue this "friendship"any longer.

Answer 11

"it is prudent never to fully trust those who have betrayed you but once"

- Blaise Pascal

no worries dude, u were right. keep people that u trust close to u, if they betray that trust, be very very wary. and go with your gut feeling, seems like u dont (and prob wont) trust her very much at all

Answer 12

Not immoral, probably just inevitable.

People often wont break up for fear of hurting the other persons feelings but by not being honest they just make it worse in the long run.

I think she had split up with you in her mind long before this incident.

Answer 13

no i think you acted ok not great but better than she has. it may be that she is lying to you because she does not want to hurt you by saying she does not want to be friends. either way she is handling it wrong. anyway only you can know what to do now but good luck.