Was this proper wedding etiquette?

Question

A friend of mine is getting married in October of this year (God help him). His bride to be emailed me tonight to tell me the date and time of the wedding and to tell me that she would be reserving hotel rooms if I'm interested, and then she wrote the thing that seemed really out of line to me. She wrote "The kids can't come, sorry can't afford to have them". I thought it was disrespectful and wrong, mainly because I already knew that the kids weren't going with me and second because she doesn't think that I would be able to read me and my husband's name only on the invitation and be smart enough to conclude that I needed to find a sitter for my children. My husband was appalled and told me to spit on the invitation and mail it back to her. Not going to do that, but I haven't exactly been on board about this wedding in the first place being that it is all one sided and my friend is making a huge mistake. It's none of my business, so I am more than smart enough not to say a word about it. How would this make you feel? Was it rude of her or not?

Answer 1

I dont really think so - maybe the way it was written could have been in a nicer way.  I have been to weddings where people have just turned up with the kids regardless what was on the invite.  

I think mayboe you might be reading more into it than you should because u dont agree with the wedding and are maybe looking for reason to be pissed at her ??

I know it makes you feel crappy when your kids arent invited to places (we got told the day before a wedding that we couldnt take ours - and it was a family wedding)...  maybe if you are that against the wedding you shouldnt be going ....

Answer 2

I try not to get too horribly bent out of shape over stuff sent in an email.  After all, you can't get a tone out of an email, you can't get body language, you can't get voice inflections, nothing like that.  All you get are the words, and there's alot more to communication than just the words.  

And, even though she addressed the invite to just you and your husband, many folks with kids just assume their children are welcome, when in fact, they're not.  This assumption puts many brides to be in a horrible place.  Maybe someone had even just assumed that, and she was making sure that no one else had the opportunity to assume incorrectly.  

As to your friend making a huge mistake, well, that's his problem to deal with.  Your job, as his friend is to support him in the choice he has made.  He's an adult, he's a big boy.  Look at it this way, if you trash her out, you're really trashing him as well, since he's chosen her.  Support your friend, attend his wedding, and don't worry about the email.  Cut the bride a little slack here.  

Good luck to you, and to your friend!

Answer 3

you're over reacting. im sure she didn't mean it in a bad way. she's just reminding you if you are her friend she didn't need to say it in a formal matter. all she needed to say casually was "dont bring your kids..."



she's your friend. its her wedding. lay off.  

Answer 4

Well it is quite rude, but there is no other real way to tell you this, maybe you have over reacted a little. I understand that you are upset but you should really think about going up to her and telling her you don't appreciate the way she put this to you. The best way to resolve something is to talk to the person who is causing the problem.

Since you said 'your husband' i take that as your married, so you must understand how expensive weddings are. Cut this lady some slack but don't let it go either, show her you didn't appreciate this, since you are going to the wedding you are obviously friends with either the groom or bride, but you said the bride was the problem so don't go to the groom and blab behind her back, go straight to the bride and in a nice but stern way tell her you didn't appreciate how she said this to you.

I am sure everything will work out. Enjoy the wedding.

xoxo

Answer 5

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Answer 6

I think you're both jumping to conclusions.  Why would she go out of her way to offend you?

Is it not possible that she meant "We'd love to see the kids, but sorry it can't be this time, we have a tight budget and can't afford the extras."

Also, do you have any idea how many people will see their names, but figure they can bring a guest?  Maybe it's already happened to her and she's trying to make sure that you didn't misunderstand as well.

Besides, she's emailing you, to get you in on a hotel deal, that's very kind of her.  

Geez, get off her back, you're being inconsiderate and rude, give her a chance, if your friend loves her enough to marry her, then you owe her a fighting chance.

Answer 7

Wow Marina, sounds almost identical to the situation with my brother's EX-wife. My mom, stepdad, dad, and I didn't even get formal invitations. She just told my brother to "tell" us that we were welcome to come if we wanted to. I think she already had an idea that we didn't like her @ss before the wedding. She was rude since the first day I met her and no one in my family liked her.

So being in a situation similar to yours, I would feel pissed, disrespected, and in awe that someone could be such a rude heifer. I know you feel as if it's none of your business who your friend marries and he'll probably marry her anyway, but if I were you I would go ahead and ask him if he's sure this is the right woman for him. My mom and I were going to have that talk with my brother before he got married. We didn't and he ended up marrying that female dog and getting an anullment three months later. I feel for you cause I know what it's like to see someone get married to someone you KNOW isn't good for them.

Your husband responded like my mom by the way. She didn't even go to the wedding and neither did I. I went to Chili's and had some ribs and beers to drown our sorrows. My dad purposely showed up to the wedding thirty minutes late and he was bringing the rings LOL I wish your friend nothing but the best though. Hopefully, that woman is just a bridezilla for the moment...

Answer 8

It was just a gentle reminder for you, don't be offended.

I just think weddings are for families, and children should be able to attend. Period.

Answer 9

Yeah, I think that was kind of brash the way she said that. She might have some other relatives or friends who dont take the "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" (ie no kids on the invitation) hint. But I agree with you.

What she should have done, is just sent out the invitations. For those that didnt take the hint and RSVP with kids, she should call them and tactfully explain that its adults only.

For her to email that offhanded remark, and also to say "cant afford" it, shows no manners. But I dont think its an offense worthy of sending the invitation back like your husband suggested! Some people just dont have tact. Thats life!

Answer 10

Yes, it was kind of rude. She could have but it much more diplomatically. But remember she is your friend's choice, so you should support him. Just be glad you don't have to live with her :)

Answer 11

i do not think it was rude at all.  too many people just do not get it, ignore the invitation and show up with a kid in tow.

Many do not know or do not care to realize they are not invited.

it is a real problem  I think it is old fashioned to think every one knows the implications of etiquette and will abide by them.  I believe things need to be spelled out.   If I want to invite a single guest only I have the reply cards premarked 1 will attend.

Answer 12

well you know sometimes when we type something in to the computer it comes off very rude, when that is not the intention.  sometimes I will be playing around and then get a phone call from my nieces saying why are you so mad.  its just words, and we take the feeling as we see fit.  She might not have meant it so rudely, but she came off that way. It sounds like maybe she wanted to make sure that you knew, they could not afford children in the hotel, i guess some of them charge by the person.   If I was you, I would talk to my friend about the way it made you feel.  Since you were already against this wedding, maybe you took more offense to it then necessary. I know whenever I host a party, I make a big deal out of RSVPing and those that do or do not do it, and then it always makes me look like an out of control control freak!!    Good luck !! !! !!

Answer 13

Okay, first let me say that although you are smart enough to realize that the exclusion of your children's names meant they weren't invited, most other people are not that smart.  Probably 85-90% of brides have a problem with that particular thing happening!  People show up or RSVP for more people than are actually invited!

Having said that, it was still terribly rude of her to write that.  A better way to handle it would have been to write you a hand-written note & include it in the invitation envelope, saying something like this:

"We understand your need to decline if you can't get a sitter" or

"Hope the inconvenience of an overnight sitter won't keep you guys from being able to come!".

Ya know, anything other than what she said!  It is definitely against traditional wedding etiquette!

Answer 14

Yes, this was quite rude. If she thought there was any miscommunication about whether or not you thought the children were invited, she could certainly have worded it much better than that.

"I don't know if you noticed, but we had to send out the invites to parents only. Financial restrictions dictate we only invite adults, but we hope you and your husband can still attend and share our special day."  or some such thing. For her to just throw what she did into an e-mail would make me feel like she either thought we were blooming idiots or would willfully be disrespectful and bring kids along anyway.

HOWEVER, while she clearly did not put much effort into being nice about it, i think you are doing the right thing by not making an issue of it. For your friend's sake, you are being a bigger person than his intended bride. It's too bad that you see a side of her that your friend hasn't yet seen, but if you make a big deal about this now, he may feel obligated to take her side and eventually limit the contact he has with you because of her. In time, he may need good friends to be there to help him pick up the pieces if this falls apart later...and your playing nice now may be the difference in still being around in his life for him to turn to in times of need.

Answer 15

I think you are blowing it way out of proportion!  You obviously have your own issues with her and are looking for reasons to be angry with her.

Answer 16

I think its up to the bride and groom whether they want any kids at their wedding, I have been to weddings were its been adults only and its turned out great, no whinging kids etc.,

If you are offended by the way she worded the email then I would have to think whether I want to go or not.

For me it would not offend, but I have to read between the lines here and see there is no love lost between you and this woman.

If you dont want to do the wedding then you have a perfect excuse not to but saying that your children go everywhere with you and therefore you cant go.

Spitting on the invitation would have been gross, glad you had the dignity not to do this.

Turn the invitation down with grace as you know the real reason you dont want to go has nothing to do with the kids.

Answer 17

The bride's wording was a little rough, but it is her party and she can invite, or not invite, who she wants.

I hear her, because people in general ignore the address on the invitation and bring one or more people who were not invited, and people often bring the kids anyway.So a little caution on her part was probably in order.

She did not mean to insult you. Some people really do believe a wedding is a big family affair, and bring the kids and let them run wild, whether they were invited or not. And if the meal is being catered, it does cost a lot to feed a kid off the menu, when likely the kid is not going to eat, or will dislike it or waste it. Seen that a lot at restaurants as well as catered functions.

And maybe somebody else set her off, and was having a fit because they wanted to bring their kids.

I am here a lot, and oh the stories people tell about extra uninvited guests, arguments about kids, no one RSVPing, and on and on.

Chill, I don't think it was  a personal insult.  

Answer 18

It certainly sounds like this woman is a little lacking in tact.  However, since she was emailing, it's hard to interpret her tone, so it comes off as even more robotic and rude.

However, there are many people who put to the couple only and people still show up with their children, so I wouldn't fault her for mentioning it, but she absolutely should have said it a different way such as "we do hope that you will be able to make it and are sorry that the children cannot be a part of our special day and appreciate the extra burden this places on you to find a sitter" or something like that.  Moreover, last I checked, etiquette says that out of town guests should be able to bring their children (though maybe I am misinterpreting and she's just offering a hotel room for the convenience of it).

Whatever the case is, you have to remember that you are supporting your friend...you will support him in his marriage and probably you will be there to support him when he divorces her.  

But, what I would do is send an email back to her that says something like "thank you for your kind consideration about the children not being able to come.  We had already planned on the children not coming as per the invite.  Certainly we understand budget constraints - we've been to a lot of weddings this year, so we don't know if we can afford another wedding gift!  Just kidding!  See you in October!"

Answer 19

She definitely could have approached the subject with much more dignity and class.  It is proper ettiquette to simply state that it is an "adult reception" or "adult wedding and reception."  And, yes, you're right, if the invitation was addressed to you and your husband not you, your husband and family, then it is understood that the kids stay at home, so I'm not sure what her motivation was when she wrote what she did.  If the friend she is marrying is a close friend of yours I say take the opportunity -- if and only if it presents itself -- to tell him that you were offended by her disrespecting manner.  I would never suggest to make a big deal about it and make a huge fuss, but sometimes it just seems unfair that someone gets away with such disrespectful behavior.  I hope things work out!  Good luck!

Answer 20

Yes it was rude of her. If I recieved a wedding invitation with no mention of my children on it, then I would also assume that they aren't invited. If this happened to me, I would ring your friend and ask him why his bride said this to you. Might wake him up a bit. Right now, he probably doesn't even know she's emailed you at all.

Answer 21

Lots of people don’t invite children to weddings and it really isn’t a big deal. I don’t think that she intended to be rude. Perhaps she was just concerned, perhaps there had been misunderstandings with other couples who had children, who knows? Besides, emails can be misinterpreted – there is no emotion or emphasis behind the words, just words, so you cannot tell if she meant it rudely, maliciously, or is any other way. Enough stress goes into a wedding and having to watch your words with every email can be a little tedious. At the end of the day, she is offering you a hotel deal – this is the main issue here. No need to hurt the bride-to-be. Just answer the email – do you need a room or not?  

Answer 22

There are certainly more tactful approaches, but many people have a no children policy and they are quite expensive when you pay nearly the same price for an adult these days.