Question:

Was your child sent to you OR were you sent to your child?

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Anyone is free to answer but as an adoptive mom I am curious as to what other adoptive parents think. How about any pre-adoptive parents out there, Any thoughts?

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  1. HERE IS MY STORY.  i was preg at 23 i had an abortion (feel terrible) then at 28 i had twin boys who died (still born) i did not understand why, was i being punished ect.... well a long story short we are adopting 4 foster children. i feel all along God had a plan, i wouldnt have these 4 beautiful children if my boys had not died.  i feel we are ALL brought together they needed us we needed them.    God bless


  2. I'm a birthparent  .I have known some say that their child was somehow destined  to be with their adoptive family from the beginning.that God provided a home with both a mommy and a daddy to raise them.  I belong to a strong faith community and always believed that to be true.  But as I have grown older though, I realize that circumstances are mutable and that my child did have both parents. Me and my partner.

    I now find the "gift from God" statement  to be terribly offensive and  harmful to the child(ren) involved and to their birthparents. Adoption comes out of loss -- children lose their parents and parents lose their children. No matter what the circumstances, those losses are there and they are life long.To suggest  that a child being born to their parents was a "mistake" from the beginning can cause profound confusion and disorientation in the child. And it often profoundly effects the life of young parents, male and female. Self-worth for the child can be damaged when they are repeated told that their birth was a mistake.

    A kind creator would not do this to anyone. If God had intended the child be your "gift", why wouldn't he just have that child born into your family instead of causing so much pain if the child was to be "sent" to a different family?

    Sometimes, I do believe God has allowed for a child to be raised by others so tthat child may be provided for but this is God's solution to a horrible problem- I do not think He gifts anyone at the expense of another of his creation.

    I do agree though that you are very lucky to have your adopted child..

  3. my nephew is with us tonight and i was telling his mom today how he was sent to the because he was ment to be theirs, he looks just like his dad and acts like him too he was for surement to be ours, funny story though a freind of her bro, called them up and said we just had a baby and cant keep him would you be his parents. answer to their prayers they had been trying for 15 years to concieve,  a year later his sister was adopted by my other bother in law that one was planned. they are being raised as cousis and best freinds.

    i am currantly thinking about fostering but would looove to adopt someday.

  4. I believe, as it actually happened this way, for us...is that our child was sent to us.  He was picked to come and live in our home by his case worker and has stayed with us by the decisions of all involved.  I didn't pick my biological children as they were "sent" to me as well.

    EDIT:  To Mei Ling - I have to look at the people who made it possible for me to adopt every time we had to go to court - and I run into the mother every once in a while at the grocery store.  As we did adopt after reunification was OBVIOUSLY not going to happen, yes we did run into both parents - have had many encounters with the both of them.  So for you to say that aparents will never have to see the people who made it possible for them to adopt is only one side of the story.

  5. I believe that God gave us our daughter and He gave US to HER.  She was born with medical issues to a woman/child who relinquished her at birth. I believe God gave us TO HER because she needed loving parents who could deal with those issues.  God gave her TO US because we had an abundance of love to give to a child and the desire to be parents.  It was a win-win situation that brought Glory to God.  She was raised in a Christian home.

    I also want to say that I don't think you are "a pretty religious person"--.  A pretty religious person believes in the Bible and in God's will and that everything happens for the good of God.  God sees the "big picture".  We only see a tiny portion.  I think you ask this question with an agenda and bias.  If you truly are "a pretty religious person" then you need to examine your witness for God because you are leading people in the wrong direction--away from God-- and you will have to answer to Him for that.  God loves us and cares about every aspect of our lives.  We don't always know the reason why some things happen but God does and I trust Him.

  6. This is a VERY complex question. First, I'll answer other questions raised, ('How could God let disaster happen that causes need for adoption') in order to get to my answer.

    God created the Earth as a self sustaining system, just like Toyota makes the Corolla to work as a self sustaining system. Both the Earth and your Toyota Corolla can run on their own, without the original creator stepping in to pull strings. So, is it Toyota's fault when conditions on the road are bad and you get rear ended by someone? No. And now I'll draw the parallel: is it God's fault that there is civil war and points where families are torn apart? No.

    Bearing that in mind, you will occasionally need to bring in a mechanic to fix your Corolla when a problem arises, just like God occasionally steps in and conditions things in the world to let His glory shine through when problems come up. Were the issues that caused the child to be orphaned caused by God? No. Could God have played a role to ensure the child is adopted into a loving family? Yes.

    As Kazi said, God gave us the gift of free will. When adoption happens, humans still have free will of how to treat and raise the child. So, even though God might have acted in order to bring this child to you, the child's outcome is based on your free will. Therefore, we cannot say 'it is God's fault that the adoption turned sour,' it is how the parents and the children have used THEIR free will.

    Now, to your original question: No, the child is not sent 'to you' and you are not sent 'to the child,' God conditions things in such a way that your free will CAN (not will, this is based on how YOU respond to your free will!) lead you to adopt that child. Sure, God may decide to send a child your way (after all, He is God, who are we to say what He can/will and cannot/willnot do), but for the most part, God only acts in such a way that leaves everything open to our free will. He loves us so much that He refuses to force things on us.

    Ultimately, it is US that determines whether or not a child is adopted. Perhaps the circumstances have been conditioned by Him, but it is us that makes that choice.

  7. child sent to you

  8. We all have  purpose on this Earth.  I believe that God and his Angels helped me and my son become a family.  Whatever "God" is, he is the preparer of our life plans.  He knows what he's doing.  We were meant to be mother and son through an international adoption.

    ----------------------

    Sunny, you don't get it...  You think an a-parent really thinks this: "Your mother gave you away just so I could raise you. My wants supersede your security and happiness."  No, no, no. You also say, "Your child's misfortune has become your fortune."  Well, that's really wrong, too.  In fact it's like this: My child's misfortunes have become my misfortunes as well because I am his Mother now.  It is him who I want to suceed in life more than anyone else and I will do all I can to make sure that happens.  It is me who will help him handle all of his life's challenges.  Me who loves him equally to his natural mother.  Me.

    --------------

    MeiLing: It WAS meant-to- be.  My family was meant-to-be.  That's just how it is.

    -------------

    Wispy- By saying it was meant to be, does not mean my son was a mistake or unwanted by his natural family.  That's YOUR opinion.

  9. Uhg, currently, i just don't think i would be involved in those affairs, cos neither am i a dad nor a mom.. lol

    Anyway, i probably don't want to, as the entire world now is in a difficult situation with the increasing food and oil price. :P

  10. I do believe that God had a hand in our adoption.  For years, my husband and I tried to conceive.  Adoption was too expensive and I wasn't sure that I could do it emotionally.  But a neighbor contacted us because she knew of someone who had a child they were looking to make an adoption plan for.  It was as if God was answering our prayers but in a different way we had planned.  Our family was coming together, but just not how we thought it should occur.

    That being said, I do not believe that God sends children to the wrong parents.  God gave us all free will.  Sometimes that free will gets us into trouble - but if we listen, He is there to help us when things that we cause go awry.  I think that is the case in our son's situation.  God did not "send" him to the wrong parent, but God provided an answer for everyone's prayers.  

    Ironically, my 5 yr old son will often tell me how that when he was in Heaven before he was born, Mary would hold him when he cried and tell him that he was going to get good parents and that is why she sent him to us.  It sends shivers down my spine when he tells me these stories.  The ironic thing about it is that we are not Catholic and do not discuss the Mother Mary often - except at Christmas with regards to the birth of Jesus.  My son also does not attend Church yet because of a medical disorder.  We had decided to wait until he was a bit older and could help to manage his disorder better before we began taking him into a Sunday School program.  

    So do I believe that God had a hand in our son's adoption?  Absolutely.  Was he sent to us or were we sent to him?  All of the above.  I think God took a difficult situation and provided all of us with a solution - but it was up to each of us to decide how we wanted to proceed.

  11. I guess you are referring to either JC or Yahweh as God. What kind of God would have his followers turn a blind eye to kidnappings, rapes, murders, coercion and/or manipulation of woman and children and label it adoption.

    I'll pass on that messiah.

    My God tells me to help children in need without taking away part of their soul for my personal benefit.

    Edit: In response to your edition maybe you could look at it like your "god didn't give you enough patience to wait" or "enough compassion to help a child who has a loving mother that is struggling to keep her child". I don't think your decision to adopt has anything to do with Gods will or plans at all. Its simply about you fulfilling your desire to have a child. There is no need to use God to justify it.

  12. he was send to you may be for some thing or purposes, you have to bear a bit of patient ok. for what goes round comes around.

  13. Interesting question.  I am an adoptive parent and I am religious.

    My children were relinquished for adoption due primarily to the war, violence and famine in their country of birth.  All of these circumstances were due to humanity, not the divine. It is my belief that God gives people free will.  Free will has reprecussions that extend beyond the individual.  God does not always protect people from the consequences of other people's actions.  

    I don't believe it was God's will that Liberia was embroiled in an atrocious civil war for 14 years.  But it happened anyway.  

    I do believe that God called us to provide a home for children who needed one, even if it was not God's will that those children would have need of a second family.

  14. I'm also an athiest, so I don't have anything to add about god's intentions.  But your question still resonates with me.

    My wife adopted our son before I met them.  The family story is that we were all meant to be together as a family.  Clearly the love we all have for each other makes it feel that way.  When he was a little boy, my wife used to tell him that he tried to trick her by coming out of the belly of another woman, but it didn't work.  She knew she was his mommy and was going to come to get him no matter what.  After the abandonment he experienced as an infant, I think her committment was deeply needed and healing.

    The family story deepened when my son first met me just before his 4th birthday and threw himself into my arms.  We often reflect that he choose me to be his dad.  Since I adopted him last December, he's started calling me daddy (not dad).  I think even though he's 9 years old now, he's making up for his early years when he didn't have a daddy.

  15. I really struggle with the answer to this.  I, too, have a hard time with the "God sent [the child] to [the adult(s)]", because it then sounds as if God had a hand in separating the natural family...as though God were in the business of supplying folks with kids simply because they want them, and in the process ripping apart families that are together by design.  It makes no sense.

    I think that, in our case, whatever child(ren) we end up parenting, we will be the "right" parents for.  Not because God intended it, not because the universe works that way, not because the child was separated for his/her family due to some manic deity's design - but just simply because the choices my husband and I made in our lives, made us the right people for the job of raising this particular kid (or these kids).

    It has taken me a LONG time, and a lot of talking to good friends (some who have involvement with adoption, some who don't) to come to this conclusion.  I'm still learning, and still deciding how I feel about a lot of things.  And hopefully I'll stay flexible my whole life.  I need to learn and grow in order to know what to do as a parent, and how to relate to my kids.  This has been a HUGE one for me, mainly because I know that it is also a huge point of contention for many adoptees.

    ETA:  To me, when you say, "meant to be", "sent to", "ordained by God", or talking about the universe, it's all the same thing.  You can go back through my answer and substitute "the universe" for "God" wherever you like, and to me, it means the same thing.  We all have our own beliefs about God/the universe/etc. and being Pagan, any time I talk about God, that covers all belief systems, including atheism (if the atheist still believes in any force that has any control in the universe, which some do).  I didn't have any intention of offending, or reducing your question to a religious argument.  Religion is a man-made concept, while God (if s/he exists) is NOT, and cannot be bound by our books and beliefs.

  16. I believe no matter if you biologically had your child or adopted that they are gifts from God.

  17. I'm not sure it's either one of those. Personally I feel that I was put here to parent children whose bio-parents couldn't. so I guess if I have to chose between those two options I think I must've been sent to my kids.

  18. *GROAN*

    Your mother gave you away just so I could raise you.  My wants supersede your security and happiness.  PUKE.

    Think of it this way (which is the truth):

    Your child's misfortune has become your fortune.

    Don't you think if G-D were active in our daily lives this child would get to live with his MOTHER, and you would have your OWN child?!

    WE are not the answer to your prayers!!!  I assure you that YOU are not the answer to OURS!

  19. I was adopted.

    I would say that I was Taken from my parents, Sold to the state and my adoptive parents were Paid to take care of me.

    Sounds like a pretty crappy deal for me.

  20. I would think the kid was sent to you, since youve been here longer. or it could be god just meant for you two to be brought together, maybe there wasnt the intention of either being "sent", you were just meant to be brought together, because both situations had to be just right to get the child you did.

  21. Um, Both. He needed a home like ours. Particularly a stay at home parent. At the time we weren't even looking to adopt. We figured we would do foster care someday and possibly adopt, if there was a child who needed a home.

    We never thought it would be 14 months after my daughter was born. Everything happened so quick. He is a great addition to our family and  very popular among his little friends, people can't get enough of him.

    I think our paths crossed for a reason.

  22. my kids were sent to my uterus....

    does God still deliver children that way?  or is it just adoption?

    wow...

    ETA:  wispy... i agree with every word you wrote!  i'm always amazed how children given to another person out of loss is someway "God's will."

  23. I heard this line before. Let's see it was the couple who stole my grandson and went around the father that was fighting and begging the hosital and even the governor for help in giving what god gave him back. NO if he was sent to you by god then you would have had the child naturaly.

       So no I don't beleive that the child was sent to adopted parents  Idon't see god letting a child wonder where the child came from or to let the child go through pain of a foster home It's like a child burning to death in a family home I guess you would believe that god wanted that child to go through pain. Get real god don't step into everything I don't think God would have aproved of the couple who like theifs in the night stole my grandson. God gave him to 2 parents not one and it's there chose what they do with the gift.

  24. I, (the adopted child), was sent to my parents. Infants are innocent and deserve nothing but a better life than what they were born into.

  25. People are trying to find meaning. I think that's why people say "it was God's will this happened." For some, it imparts some sort of peace.

    I don't feel this way. IMO, God is not that complicated. I don't believe he decides who has children and who does not anymore than I believe he decides who lives or dies.

    God did not create China's communist regime or appointed a dictator who convinced his people to go forth and multiply in order to make China strong, but yet had no means to support them, leading to famine and then the introduction of the one-child policy that (probably) led my daughter's mama to abandon her in a crowded market place.

    God did not do that for me.

    I am not a deeply religious person, and truth me told I have a great disdain for organized religion, but I am spiritual and I do believe in God, and for me, I believe the only gift that God gave us was free will and I exercised that when I decided to adopt.

    It is that simple.

  26. I think both.  I think GOD works in mysterious ways.  We are doing foster to adopt and were just going to do girls.  We decided that there are so many boys in the system that never get adopted and need homes.  We decided on Friday to tell them we will take boys.  Our foster son was born Sat and we took him home on Monday.  Mom does not look like she will work her plan and will more than likely adopt him.  I believe GOD put that on our heart right then because he was about to be born and need us and much as we want him

  27. sent to the child

  28. I am not religious....so....bias ahead>>>>

    I think it is completely disgusting to ever say or feel/think your adoptive child was sent to you by god....or that he/she was god's gift to you.

    Adoption is the severing of a relationship between parents and their child. It is not a gift, it is not godly, and it is not a miracle....it is sad, painful, and often unethical. While there are many children who do legitimately need good homes.....there are far more who need community support and services. The money we spend on adoption is outrageous. If we spent 1/2 of that money on social programs and theraputic services, the real miracle, the real gift from god, would be that a good mother was able to keep the child she loves so much.

    <<adoptive mommy through foster care.

  29. I'm an adoptive parent, and I'd have to say neither one.

    I have seen some say that their child was born from the "wrong tummy" or that they were otherwise "meant" to be with their adoptive family from the beginning. And not to insult you, but I find that very idea to be terribly offensive and also VERY harmful to the child(ren) involved. Adoption comes out of loss -- children lose their parents and parents lose their children. No matter what the circumstances, those losses are there and they are core deep. To gloss over that by suggesting that being born to their parents was a "mistake" from the beginning can cause profound confusion and disorientation in the child. If their very birth was a mistake, then what will they think they are?

    And also, what kind of a God would intentionally arrange things this way? If God had intended the child to go to a particular family, why wouldn't he just have that child born to the family? What kind of a cruel God would cause so much pain if the child was to be "sent" to a different family?

    I just cannot believe in a God that intervenes in day to day human activities. And I certainly can't believe in God as an adoption agency worker!

    Now, asked in a different, non-mystical way, I feel we are VERY lucky to have our daughter.

    ETA: I'm very sorry if I offended you. I did read what you wrote, but there actually wasn't much more to the posted question -- you just asked for the opinions of adoptive parents, and I gave you mine. And if it wasn't God, then who exactly would have been doing the sending?

    I do admit that the "wrong tummy" part certainly did not come from you. And I'm sorry if my answer came across as a criticism of you -- because I didn't mean it to be one.

    But often the idea that adopted children were "sent" to us, or otherwise mystically connected to us from the beginning or "meant to be" with us, goes along with the idea that they were NOT meant to be with their first parents. And I think that is a very bad message to give a child. Again, I think it comes down to who is doing the "sending." I guess you question comes from a particular religious or thought tradition that I do not understand, so sorry!

    Now, with the added details, I could ramble on about some things. <smile>  I DO believe the world is a place of great magic and mystery. I DO believe that sometimes things seem to happen for reasons that don't seem explainable by coincidence. I very much like the concept of synchronicity -- though I don't really understand it <grin>.  

    So, did your adopting cause you to get pregnant? Well, the rational part of me and especially the part that HATED hearing that "prediction" when we were adopting says "NO!" But the magic place in my heart says "maybe." Maybe a spirit out there saw what a good mom you were and wanted to come to you. Maybe the spirit saw your child needed a sibling. Maybe you relaxed (another thing I hated being told!) and the spirit came to you. I have no idea, but it is fun to think about. And I guess in this context I'd say the spirit of the child chose you.

    But I'd have a lot of trouble extending that concept to adoption. I think our daughter fits very well into our family. And there were some very weird coincidences in our adoption and very much so in those of others I know. But I think that is more something we are reading into the situation afterwards. That is what humans DO -- we make meanings and reasons! That doesn't mean that is WHY it happened.

    But it doesn't mean that wasn't why either. I believe there is a lot more to the universe than we can understand. And I kind of like it that way! With Iris Dement, I'll just "let the mystery be."

    ETA to Mei-Ling

    I'm completely with you on the first part. But not when you get to the part where it is supposedly "easier" for me, with "no consequences and no guilt."

    There are consequences, because my daughter will likely never look into the faces of those who gave her life. And oh yeah, I do feel guilt about that, big time. It isn't easier for me, because how could it be when it is so much harder for her? I'm her mom (one of 3), and I love her, so how could her deep loss be easier?  

    (PS, mine was one of the thumbs up)

  30. I find that a lot of parents continue to say “it was Fate”… “it was meant-to-be”... it was “God's hand”... “the red thread connected us together”... etc.

    Which is, to me, dismissive. Not deliberately ignorant. Just dismissive.

    "I think it's a bad thing when they try to justify the separation of original mother and child by looking towards God."

    I am NOT saying that growing up in a good adoption is a bad thing. Really. I am NOT SAYING that growing up in a home with people who love you and care about you is a bad thing.

    I am simply saying that adoption is caused by loss, and by leaping to the “God/Fate conclusion”, and in MY OPINION, people want to dismiss that loss by pretending it was “meant-to-be.”

    Because it makes them feel more secure. It helps them to fall asleep in bed at night. Sure, there's another parent out there somewhere in Asia, and these APs feel for them "Sure I feel for her first parents, really I do, I think about them every day", but how many of these adoptive parents will EVER have to look into the eyes of the people who created the child they adopted?

    I'll give you an answer: NEVER.

    These adoptive parents will NEVER EVER ever have to meet the people who made it possible for them to adopt in the first place.

    Isn't it so much easier knowing that? No consequences, no guilt.

    P.S. And saying “it was meant-to-be” will NEVER change the fact that there was loss first.  It will NEVER change the fact that a child was torn from its original mother.

    P.P.S. Bring on the thumbs down!

  31. I think I'm a good mom...maybe better than his bio mom, but my child is a FAR BIGGER blessing to me than I am to him.  I know he was sent to me.

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