We're going to committee. What now?

Question

We've been chosen as one of three families who could become parents of an 11 month old girl. We need to come up with a list of questions to ask the foster mother and caseworker. What should we ask?

This girl has four older siblings who have been adopted separately, she had major alcohol exposure in utero but is showing very few effects at present, and she seems to have some issues with eating solid foods. That's about all we know at present.

Thanks!

Answer 1

Ask a mixture of general interest and more searching questions.  For example -

What age did she first start crawling

Is she average height for her age?  Do we know what height the birth parents are?

How many teeth has she got?

What is her personality like?

What makes her giggle, and what makes her cry?

Does she sleep well - how do you soothe her when she wakes in the night?

Does she have favourite songs, or tickle games etc that foster carer can teach you.

Does she like bath-time?

What are the anticipated contact arrangements regarding the older siblings?

Do you think the issues regarding solid foods are a natural part of the transistion from milk to solids, or that there might be an underlying medical problem causing this?

Would the foster carer mind if you visited her once in a while, (maybe annually) so that your daughter can grow up knowing where she spent her early months of life and who she was looked after by.

Do we know anything about the birth family's medical history?

Are the older siblings all doing well?  

Do the older siblings know about their younger one...how have they reacted - have they had any contact until now?

Does she have any allergies that are known?

How was her medical health immediately after birth - did she have problems?

I'm sure once you get the ball rolling you will have lots of questions!!  You should also ask not just for yourself now, but things you might wonder about in the future...like, medical history, or particular talents for music, sports, art, drama...is there anything of that in the birth family?

Your questions should also be on behalf of your daughter, things she herself may have wanted to know, and  so you can use this as an opportunity to get the answers for her.

I hope it goes well for you!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Gaia, I'm happy for you and your hubby!  Something tells me with your sensitivity, you won't have any problems with asking questions.  I would be curious, however, about contact with her siblings while growing up.

Answer 3

Clearly some didn’t fully read her post; she’ll be talking to the girl’s foster mother, not the biological mother that poisoned her in utero. “Mothers” who do that make me sick.  I hope this little girl has no serious ill effects but only time will tell.

I’m sure you will know the right questions to ask, they might even just start flowing.  One might be if the families that adopted her siblings would be interested in maintainig contact, even the foster family as well.

Answer 4

Gaia- I think you know what to say and ask. You're going to make a great parent.

I would let her know that you would never cut her out of her daughters life and that she is always welcome to be a part of the family.

I would ask her what dreams does she have for her little girl and if there are anything she would like her to know(as in special messages and advice).

Let her know you truly wish the best for her situation and that you will do everything to make her daughters life a fulfilling one as well as an informed one. She'll want to know and feel  that she's not being judge for her disease.

I know a 70 yr.old woman that's a recovering alcoholic and the last of her 10 children was born with FAS. She fortunately had the money to raise all of them and pay for the treatment she needed to get sober. She lives with the guilt everyday. She went from being a bored rich housewife driven into alcoholism from years of sexual abuse to the dept. head of the best hospital treatment clinics in the Midwest. She's dedicated her life to helping others suffering from her disease and bringing awareness to it, for those that don't get it. She's 25 yrs. sober and is one of the kindest, generous and most respectable people I know.

Good luck. This world need more Pap's like you.

Answer 5

Wow! Bo Peep really covered a lot lol!

Good luck making your list. I hope the committee goes well for all concerned.

You may also want to ask about the birth parents, where they are and why she is in care. This can give you a clue to possible behaviours that may happen. Also, I would ask if she is already crown ward no access, or if this is fostering with a view to adopt with eventual crown ward. If the parental rights are still existing, than you have to figure out if you may have to give the child back and how you may feel about that after falling in love with her.

You appear to be a strong person and a knowledgable person. I think you will be fine in commitee. Just remember that if you do not get the placement, it is the job of all involved to find the right for the child, not the aps. I think you already know that, but sometimes what we know with our "heads" goes right out the window when our hearts get involved.

Good luck to you and this little girl!