We're going to our 1st counseling session today, what to expect?

Question

So, for the last month things have been TERRIBLE at home. My husband has been sleeping in the guest room, not speaking to me, and living his life as though he doesn't have a family. He thinks I "dont know how to talk to people," am too controlling (which is true, I admit), and probably other things. My H has been lying to me, probably cheating on me (and of course lying about it), disregarding his responsibilities as a parent, saying very abusive things to me, and probably other things. He claims I make him miserable, he's not happy with me, and he wants a divorce. We decided on counseling prior to deciding on divorce (although he's made it very clear he'd rather have a divorce)- but what should I expect for our first session? He's under the impression that I "wont listen" to the therapist, therefore nothing will change. From my understanding the 1st session is just a feel-for-it type thing, nothing gets too delved into. This issue is driving me CRAZY, I'm just so tired of trying to figure out whats wrong with me to make him so unhappy with me, and I hope couseling works- I dont want to get any false ideals.

Thanks.

Answer 1

If it's anything like individual therapy then it's a "get to know you" session.  He/she will want to first determine what is bringing you to therapy.  They might delve into your past a little.  Maybe what your relationship with your parents was like, etc.  But an hour goes by FAST so don't expect much arguing between you two or any he said/she said stuff just yet.

I've been in therapy 3 separate times in my life & the 1st appointment usually left me feeling hopeful.  After that initial appointment it got a little rough.  Your chances of making it (I hate to say this) doesn't sound good at this point because your husband seems unwilling.  In order to get to the real issues there are many painful events brought up.  A lot of times people don't like feeling blamed or sometimes feel they are being talked down to or maybe not seen in a good light.  Instead of accepting the criticism, they just throw up their hands & don't want to hear it.

If difficult for even a single person to accept the responsibility for their lives.  Regardless of whether your husband wants to participate I think it would be very beneficial to you to continue therapy on your own.  I wish you the best.  

Answer 2

Congratulations on making this effort to save your marriage - you are doing the right thing.

You are correct that the first session will likely not get too involved.  Most counselors are required to ask numerous questions in an assessment just to rule out certain things.  Many such questions will have nothing to do with your situation, but don't get frustrated, they just have to be asked.  For example, he may ask about drug and alcohol use, what medications you're on, whether you have a history of mental illness in your family, etc.  You'll start getting more into therapy in your second session.

You sound quite intelligent, and I have to say as a proponent of marriage, I am rooting for you.  OK, then a bit of unsolicited advice.  You know how your husband said you won't listen to the therapist?  Head that one off at the pass.  Shortly after you sit down with your husband, be sure to say something along these lines to the therapist: "My husband, who knows me quite well, is concerned that I won't listen to you.  I am going to try hard to listen, though.  However, if you catch me disregarding what you say, or otherwise not listening, please point it out to me so I can correct that."  This will let your husband know that you are indeed taking therapy seriously.

Answer 3

a friend of mine went & she said it helped a lot, it saved her marriage.

she said that the counselor told the both of them that they should NOT focus on the other person, but themselves & what they need to change about themselves in order to get along with oneanother.

The counselor also told them that they need to go on a date with

one another once a moth every month, even if they just go to Starbucks for coffee. The way we react to others plays a huge part on how they react to us. Don't give up & good luck:>)

Answer 4

Whats the point of conseling?  To change someboy's mind about marriage not sucking?

See...you're probaly a good person and so are your kids...but thats not the root of the problem.

The whole cause is marriage in and of itself.  All the confines of marriage tend to drive a dude insane....even turn him against his family.  

Its not a pleasant experience to be "locked down", "committed" and all that jazz "till death".

So its no surprise that marriages don't last anymore...

Answer 5

Why are you going to therapy if he's already dead set on a divorce? Therapy is only effective when BOTH people are willing to see their faults and make the changes suggested to better their marraige.

You will most likely start with a basic run down of your relationship. Background, what's wrong, etc. When your husband is talking, don't interrupt. When you are talking,he shouldn't either. You will ALL get your chance to talk. You're right; the first one is usually not too deep. It's a basic introduction to things. Keep in mind it's a time for you to get to know whether or not you want to continue with this counselor too. If you both don't feel comfortable talking to him/her, it won't be effective!

Don't expect the therapist to take sides. He/she absolutely will not.

The most important thing is to have an open mind. If your counselor offers constructive criticism and you dismiss it by saying, "He doesn't know me/us," then it will be a waste of time and money.

Good luck!

(And not sure who the answerer above me went to, but everything told to the counselor is, by law, confidential. So you can't go in and say "Is my husband cheating?" and expect the counselor to tell you. By law, he can't!)

Answer 6

everything will take time in order for it to work, he cannot expect the situation to be resolved by only going to one session, it will take a while for things to work out,so u and ur husband need to go to the sessions and really work @ it in order for it work out.GL 2 u both!

Answer 7

Depends on what kind of counseling you are going to. Are you going to have someone help you learn to better communicate in your marriage or are you going to have someone work on the ....inner you. You might as well throw your money in my direction if that's the case. Don't go to a psychiatrist, go to a physoclogist.

Answer 8

First, I want to commend you guys for at least being willing to TRY counseling before deciding on divorce.  Too often people just give up without really giving it 110%.  

The first session is really just so the therapist can get to know you a little and why you're there.  This helps him or her not only start to see what the problem is but more importantly, see how you each perceive the problem....which be drastically different!  

It's important you both go into therapy each time with an open-mind and heart, willing to hear what the therapist says.  YOu may not like it each time but if you really care about saving your r'ship, then you'll listen.  I can tell from what you wrote that you intend on doing that - you just need to communicate that w/ your husband.  You guys have built up several walls between you and it's going to take some time and work to knock those down so you can get at the root of what made you put them up in the first place.  Issues of control (like you have) can often go back to your own childhood.  A therapist will help you both understand not only the problem but how your individual issues can contribute to making the issue worse.  It's important that you both understand just how much your own individual tendencies can come into play.  For instance, if you grew up watching a mother & father who tended to communicate by yelling then that's how you may tend to communicate but that doesn't have to mean you're caged in by that fate.  You CAN change things - but it's a conscious effort and work.  Goodluck to you both!!

Answer 9

If your husband is going into the counseling thinking that everything that is wrong with your marriage is all you then he is in for a rude awaking.

I went to counseling with my ex together 3 times and then I called and asked to see the counselor by myself without my husbands knowledge.

I had 2 questions for him.  Was he cheating and did he have a drinking problem. He said yes to both. I divorced him after 18 years of marriage.  

I went on to take care of our 2 children pretty much by myself while he was off gallivanting with his girlfriend who he had been dating for almost a year.

I was never so happy in my life.  My husband like yours put the blame on me for everything and I believed him.  Come to find out without him I was a different person.  A happier, nicer, friendlier woman then I had been in a long time.  

So in all honesty I don't think it is all you.  I wish you luck and hope you get it resolved one way or the other.  But don't waste as many years as I did before figuring out we were better off apart.

I met a great guy a year after the divorce was final, dated him for quite some time and married him 22 years ago.  We are very happy. My only regret is that I didn't leave my ex sooner.

Answer 10

your first session will b where you guys go in and give the background of your relationship so the counselor can get a feel of how it was compared to how it is now...

congrats on trying to get help to save your marriage...

Answer 11

sweetie i don't know what you can expect but i wish you the best of luck! xoxo

~dominican86~

Answer 12

Wow..  I went through the same exact thing.  Slept in the guest room.  Was mad at my wife because she was controlling. i wanted a divorce. Everything you say.

Couple of things happened to me though.  I cheated and fell in love with someone else. She changed in therapy for better. I also realized that it was important to be with the kids and the other person is just someone else to make me feel good temporarily.

If I had to do it all over again?  #1 I would move out instead of living in a separate room. This only prolonged the situation. #2.  I would not have cheated( at least i would not fall in love).

#3.  The controlling person should right away give up the controlling.  That would have helped me a lot.

Good luck and if you want to talk to me I am at [e-mail]