We're moving and our only Adult Child is very mad - how would you feel?

Question

Two years ago we moved from our family home to another home to be near our adult daughter. She is married and we have one grandchild.

This ended up being a very bad move. They rarely keep in touch and we are in a remote area. The cold winters here are getting my husband and I down physically. We're restricted to inside the home for about 5 or 6 months a year because the temperature can be in the 30s.

My husband has weighed all this and suggests we move to a warmer climate. I'm tempted to do this too, relocate to an over 55 community, and enjoy life again. It would be one where we know people.

Had we even managed to see our child once or twice a month, we probably wouldn't have felt like leaving -- but we don't.

The adult child is furious. She has accused us of abandoning her and our grandchild and bringing hurt to their family. (But we've only seen them less than once a month or less for 2 years and that isn't our doing.)

We certainly don't want to bring pain to our grandchild. My husband and I want to live our senior years to their fullest, and that isn't possible now.

Do you think we're being selfish as we were told?

Answer 1

There is a lot going on here.  

My initial reaction is that you are in some way trying to punish her for not being as ready and willing to come over for visits as you would like her/them to.  Your love should not be conditional whether they come see you, or not.

That being said - I don't think this should be a factor in your deciding to move. If you would like to move to a warmer climate because the cold weather is too much - then that should be the reason. Not with the added sword of your daughter not showing you as much love as you like.

You may want to apologize for ever mentioning to her that the reason you would like to leave is that you don't get to see her as much as you thought you would, and instead focus on the weather being too cold for you and your husband.

You can't control them, you can only control your actions in a circumstance.

I also noticed some language in your post that made me think that you aren't taking responsibility in your part of this relationship. Might you feel it's up to her to come see you? Do you try to go see her?  I wasn't sure about that.

Answer 2

She really needs to get over this, especially since you do not see them alot living close to them.  Enjoy your years you are not being selfish.  If anything it sounds like she has alterior motives regarding this.  You guys are grown adults and need to do what is best for you.  Remind her that you love her, but you cannot live in this climate, it is not good for you and your husband.

Answer 3

SOunds like the daughter is a grown up spoiled little kid.

She should be more concerned for your health. SHE is the one that moved away from the family home to being with. SHE is the one that has made no effort to see you much.

She needs a big hard smack of reality upside the head. The grrandchild isn't the one complaining-she's manipulating you with her.  You need to be blunt and tell her it's pointless to stay, you never see each other, and you are miserable. She can come visit you.

Answer 4

She sounds like a spoiled rotten brat.You 2 are grown, make your decisions, move where you'll be comfortable and happy. You aren't being selfish, what's selfish is her expecting you to live in Moose Jaw  to be prisoners in your own home.

Answer 5

Not at all! I'm a 20 year old daughter... no kids yet tho. I think that if you aren't happy and you aren't getting to see your daughter... which is the entire reason that you moved, then why should you stay. Maybe you should first see about working it out with your daughter and saying that you would like to see her more often and you would consider staying if you got to see her and her child more often, but in the end you should be happy, its not like you've got your whole life ahead of you (no offense). You can be there for the holidays and call often and have her call you often, but if you aren't visiting then the closeness obviously isn't necessary. She's probably just upset that you want to leave her, she's most likely never been gone form you for very long. Also, she's losing a ver convienint babysitter whenever she can't get anyone else or its on short notice. Talk to her and let her know why your leaving and what would fix it, but if she just gets upset and starts accusing you of abandoning her, tell her that you moved all the way to wherever and haven't seen her so you might as well not see her somewhere where you and your husband can be happy.  

Answer 6

I think your daughter is the one who is being selfish.  You raised her, and now it's time for you to live your own life however and wherever you choose.  She needs to deal with it.

Answer 7

When the temperature is minus 12 then you can complain about the cold.  the 30's isnt that bad.  Suck it up!  See your family and stop letting the weather and whatever else is stopping you to see your family.  You ARE being selfish!

Answer 8

This coming from a pregnant 18 yr old

I agree with you. I wuldnt be mad at all.

Heck i dont think id even be living there.

I live in alabama- hot hot hot- but at most parts enjoyable-thank god for fall weather cant wait till its here!!!

good luck

Answer 9

I don't think you are being selfish. I remember when my grandparents sold their home & moved to a community where older people were who lived on their own. I hated it! I moved a lot as a child and never had that one "HOME" so my grandparents home was the only one that felt like home to me. It broke my heart. (Thankfully my aunt & uncle bought it)

Did you explain her what you said here? How little you see them and how that has affected your decision?

It's hard but your daughter is raised and now you need to change your thinking back to your husband & yourself.  

Answer 10

Live your life they way you choose. She has no right to complain. You have EARNED the right to happiness.

Answer 11

I don't think you are being selfish. Even if you had seen them every day you are still allowed to live your own lives - I suspect you would not be comtemplating moving if that had been the case, but since it is obviously not...

In this instance your child is the one who is being selfish by trying to impose her will on you even though it is neither what you want nor what is good for you.

Go and enjoy your life. Parents live for their children, but your child is no longer a child, it is time for her to stop having you live for her and to start living for her own child.