We adopted my husbands niece...?

Question

She was in foster care and my sister in law called and told us she was there. We ended up having her come and live with us and after about 6 months she wanted us to adopt her (she was 6 years old) Mom is a drug addict, was in and out of jail.

Mom is sober now (well she says she is) and she is doing better, she has a job and an apartment. The bio mom has a total of 4 kids and none of them with her, the others are with thier dad's. She calls & wants to come and visit and talk to my daughter (niece). I feel mean when I don't want her to come around, but the problems that come with my daughter seeing her bio-mom is hard. I want to be fair I guess and say that when my daughter asks to call you, she can call you, and when she asks to see you we will make arrangements, is that fair?

Answer 1

the sole purpose of you taking custody of the little girl in the first place should have been temporary to help the mom get back on her feet and take responsibility and clean up her act, then to let them reunite. why would you want to keep them apart permanently? you should be helping them become a better family. even if you are not quite sure the mom has fully rehabilitated yet, you have to entertain the thought that she is trying, and trying hard as it sounds to me. just like everyone else, she deserves a second chance. let her see her daughter as often as possible, even if you have to supervise the visits for now, as just take things one day at a time. dont just tell her no. that might make her feel like she is trying for nothing and she may loose hope. right now she needs all the help and encouragement she can get and that little time she gets to spend with her daughter can do wonders. and nobody should ever keep a child from bonding with their biological parent unless they pose a threat to them in some way. she is the mom, you are not. hopefully she is greatful for all you have done but you cant change the way things are. someday you will have to let her go.

Answer 2

ask your daughter/niece if she wants to seee her mom

Answer 3

As long as your daughter understands that she can see her bio if she wants to.It is not healthy for her to have to see this woman. She will try to spoil her with presents and when she turns 13 or so, she will get mad about something and want to go live with the bio. Just be prepared.Don't say a lot of bad things about the bio though. It will only give her hard feelings about y'all.

Answer 4

OHHHHh, you're her mom alright. Her mom WANTED you to be her MOM for a reason.

I have similar issues, with my son's bio mom, but for me I wish she WOULD want to see him, but she doesn't. she says she feels guilty for his poor health state. I don't hink that her lifestyle will impact him if he see her more like an aunt or something like that.

Everyone has a family member that has a stronghold (addiction to drugs alcohol, work gambeling) and it's near impossible to keep our children apart from all of these people. It's important to teach YOUR daughter that she is her own person and is able to live her own life and is NOT destine to be like her. That's assuming the drug issue even comes up.

Most of all let your daughter take the first steps. If she wants to see her, it may be a good thing for her to understand that she was place with you 'cause her mom was truely UNABLE to care for her. It wasn't a choice.

God bless you for what you have done and for trying to educate yourself.

Answer 5

If you adopted the niece then she is now YOUR daughter, and you need to insure her safety and well-being.  You are her parent now and based on that, you need to make the decisions YOU feel are best for her.  I know it must be difficult for you but it sounds like you are doing a great job.  Stay strong!

Answer 6

If she's officially adopted by you and your husband, it's up to your discretion.  I think you're right, wait for your daughter to bring it up and then discuss.  I think it would harm your daughter to be pushed into seeing bio-mom who "may have" straightened out.  She has her whole life to come to terms with that.  Let her be a kid for as long as she can and enjoy a simpler life.

Answer 7

I vote somewhere in between.

If you are her legal mother, then you have control over the situation.

You cannot leave it to your daughter/niece--it's way to big an issue for a kid her age.  And besides, she won't want to bring it up for fear of hurting you--believe me.

She needs to see her mother.  Why not sit down with your daughter and plan some events for the 4 of you?  Dinners in restaurants, all going to the zoo or aquarium, or bowling?  

Then plan another event in a month.  Write in on the calendar so she can look forward to it.  Look in the paper for interesting events, and ask if she thinks such-and-such activity would be a good idea to do with her mom.  Be on your best behavior, so she won't worry about how you're doing.  Take pictures so she can keep 'pieces' of her mama.

Give this woman a break.  She is trying.  Now you try.  You did sign up for this, and I'm sure you knew she'd reappear someday...

You would be doing her heart (and self-esteem) a lot of good if you just let her have some of her mother.  She will SEE all that you have described, especially since you and your husband live differently.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Sunny, and what happens when bio mom doesn't show up and breaks the little girls heart all over again?

As an adoptive parent who does see that while the children should see their birth parents AS LONG AS IT IS APPROPRIATE, I also know what it means to have to protect them against the anguish that many times comes along with that connection.  

With my kids, many people don't seem to understand that we literally have to start fresh from square one after contact with bio mom.  The kids literally relive the abuse and neglect over and over again. It retraumatizes them continually, especially because she has never fully taken responsibilty for her actions and continues to do the same things over and over again.  

Personally, if I were in your shoes I would start slow with contact only being made by mail.  Read the letters first, so that you can make sure that all is appropriate.  Then let your daughter respond.  After some time when you feel like this might be in your daughters best interest, then add phone calls, and later physical contact.  

If bio mom goes back to her old ways, end the contact asap.