We don't like our dad? (pretty long)

Question

I know it's long. I'll give like 50 points. Like, I'll ask four more questions if you'd like and give you best answer for each.

My mom had my sister and me in New Jersey. Our dad's had children with two other woman. He never married my mom. My mom got custody of us and the three of us came back to the west where my mom was from and where all her family is. I was 3 and my sister was 1. We've lived here in the west for 14 years and my sister and I are happy with things the way they are. We're fine without our dad, who I'll call Bill. We'd seen him once since we'd left and my sister and I didn't like the experience.

My mom decided to let my sister go to New York and stay with a couple of Bill's sisters. She did have to spend some time with him. When I talked to her on the phone she said he'd said all kinds of things about my mom. He'd asked my sister if she'd lost weight, he told people she left cause she was self conscious and did drugs(which she didn't), he told someone a white woman could never raise black children(my mom's white, he's black). The other day he called me and I don't like talking to him but I'm a pretty polite person so I sat and listened. He talked for 4 hours! I brought up later the things he'd said about my mom and he denied it all and went off like "why would I say something like that?! Come on!" He said my sister was making up stories and just did not like him. I checked back with her and am positive she was not lying. My sister and I are real close and she never lies like that. When my sister was told she'd be staying 2 nights at his house she said she'd rather not. My sister and him are not talking.

This lady who is his sister(?), Bee, lives in Florida. She called up my mom the other day (they'd never spoken before) and was practically yelling at her, saying she was trying to keep us from him, and that my sister should be spending more time with him, and that she should be calling him dad instead of by his first name.

Bee called my sister up today and made her cry. She was yelling at her about calling him Bill instead of dad, and when she asked my sister if she loved him and she answered no Bee told her she was stupid. I don't understand how we could be expected to love him and expected to call him dad if we aren't comfortable doing so. We don't see him as our dad.

When I get married I don't want him to be the one walking me down the aisle. I'm not angry at all with him. It's just that to us, he's just another man in the world.

Is this wrong? Are we wrong? Should we have to call him dad and are we wrong for not loving him? What do you think of it all?

Answer 1

No you're not wrong at all, in fact you and your sister should not have to spend any time with him if you don't want to. he has not been a part of your live as you were growing up and  his family should have no say in the matter...you need to explain to your mother how you and your sister feel about this man your " father " and she she not force you do be with him..if he wants to phone you and your sister maybe every month , then that would be ok but don't spend hours on the phone talking to him and if he makes any negative comments about you ,your sister or you mom then tell him you will have to hang up only speak to him on your terms...if you feel these people are bullying you in anyway then you must be strong and stand up for yourself..but I really think it's your mother that should be dealing with this situation . If you don't feel comfortable calling him dad then don't..he really should be happy any sort of contact with his children. I really feel you need to talk this through with your mom.

Answer 2

Just because you had to write a novel I'll give you a short story... My mom and dad split up when I was 2, so I never had the chance to know him. My mom remarried when I was about 7 or something but I too had found someone that deserved to be called dad. Now my dad never spread rumors or anything and excepted the fact that I chose not to see him... My mom was the one telling me all the horrible stories and he ignored it. My father died when I turned 15, the part that made it hard was the fact that I never had the second chance to give him another chance. Me and my mother have never gotten along because of it, we barely talk any more (I'm 21 now). My mother still speaks poorly after my dad died and its sad... It makes me feel the way you feel about your dad to my mom. Sometimes I think I ended up with the wrong parent.  The fact is I understand. I guess our parents are backwards huh.. Its hard to grow up knowing that one parent can't respect the other. So this is what I would do... Love your mom. And even though you are both still young tell her it doesn't matter what he wants to tell other people because all that matters is that you know the truth. Your parents may have split up because of eachother but your mom didn't leave your side! Your dad will always be your dad and its okay to call him by who he is in your hearts, BILL. Tell him the truth! You don't need to lie to make him feel better. Let it all out, rain on his parade... (why didn't he stay in touch; why can't he respect you and your sister by respecting your momma; if he really wants to be a part of your life he needs to earn it, staring with the way he talks about your mom. If you still decide your not ready, tell him that "you" have done alot of thinking and your not ready to pursue an active role as his daughter and if he is okay with it you will contact him at a later time when you are ready. Remeber this is your decision and its okay to feel that way about your father (Bill). He may have had a part in concieving you but he didn't choose to be there to raise you. You don't owe him anything. So remember that your not alone and no matter what happens it'll be okay because your with people who love you! Good Luck to both of you!

Answer 3

I dont think its wrong at all!! A dad is someone who is there for you and loves you no matter what!!

I think you should get your mum to walk  you down the isle!! obvioulsy shes the one that has bought you up!! its would be so nice and different =]  

Answer 4

No it is not wrong.  All a father does is plants the seed.  But a dad gets up in the middle of night and walks the floor with you, feeds you, baths you, is there for you when you need him, teaches you, listens to you and loves you.

A father has to earn the right to be called dad or daddy and he has not done anything to earn the right.

Since he did plant the seed that made you, he is your father therefore it is OK to call him father.  It's not OK to call him dad or daddy.

Good luck to you and your sister.  

Answer 5

no, not at all, i call my dad "my sperm donor" he goes in and out of my life like it's nothing, he finally told me i was dead in his head... so now we will probably never speak again. but no you guys arent wrong for anything, it's probably for the better! good luck hun!

Answer 6

No its not wrong! He didnt marry your mom and you and her sister are happy with your mom and dont care about your dad no reason to worry about. I think you should love him somewhat, you just dont have to call him dad. I thinks its pretty sad that it happened to you.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

i dont think thats wrong. if he wasnt there before why should he think he should be apart of your life now. im on your and your sisters side. and whoever it is that was yelling at your mom and sister needs to leave yall alone because she was never there.

Answer 8

u shld like him coz he is ur dad and i think we should be positive towards the person responsible for our birth.

Answer 9

No you are not wrong.  And both of you are old enough now to make the choice of seeing him or not and you don't have to talk to him.  I don't doubt for one minute that he said the things your sister says he did. I have an EX that does the same thing.  If he wanted you to call him Dad then he should have been a dad all along, not just a pain in the a---.  I would block all calls from his sister and him or simply not answer them if you know it is them calling  or hang up as soon as you know who is calling.  There is no law says you have to put up with those calls.  Something has happened in his life to make him suddenly want your attention.  You don't have to give it to him.  

There are restraining orders too if it really gets bad.  Make sure your Mom knows how you feel.  Don't keep this to your self.  She can always talk to a lawyer about what to do or what can be done.  Be happy don't let him get to you.

Answer 10

I got this!

My wife left me when I had a stroke and our sons were 3 & 5.... she figured the cash-cow was dead.  I got full custody and raised my sons.  I put them in therapy so when the day came they would not be afraid to ask questions, so that they could learn to communicate their feelings, and it was the best thing I could have done.  We discovered that one of the harshest things for a child to do is to suffer abandonment, be it a mother or father.  It rips you up, you spend time thinking maybe it was YOU that caused them to leave.  In any case, this is an abandonment issue and this turkey sounds like a real winner (NOT), no offense.

Cut him loose.  Stay close to your sister, stay away from him.  I guarantee you that as each year passes he'll need you more than you'll need him.  He has proven what sort of man he is already...shown his level of character, loyalty, and morals.  Leopards do not change their spots as they say.  

For the record, the mother hasn't seen them in ten years and is now trying to make contact, but they refuse, no anger, just no need.  She made the bed, she can now sleep in it.  

Be strong girls, and God Bless you.  Mean Mike

Answer 11

well its obvious you'll hate him after his not takig any responsibilty after your birth and your being such a great lady talking stuff as such about her... well the situation is complicated... but you know love your mom a lot she needs it... and what is your sis doing there... check if she can move out from there and settle on her own... or maybe come back.. no point in having such a father in life your mom is much better... good luck...

Answer 12

Don't worry, your not wrong. I don't know exactly what you went through bit I know I can't really love or respect my dad. He drinks and has abused my mom both physically and verbally. He's given me a lot of problems. It's difficult for me to be around him as I'm just afraid of what could happen. Now with you, your father was never really in your life. I learned in school that there are two types of fathers. The biological one is purely scientific and really has nothing to do with our feelings. Then there's the father figure who is the person we look up to. That cloud be any man in your life. Some people's biological father is there father figure. They are lucky. That clearly isn't the case with you. It's sad when we don't really have a father figure. Nobody said we had to love out biological father. Don't let others tell you your wrong. These are your feelings and you choose to feel them. Don't let others dismiss your feelings. Your father sounds like an insecure person if he has to lie about his own life. That's pretty pathetic in my opinion. I try to consider myself lucky that I at least still have a dad. He helped bring you into the world. That doesn't mean he did it to love you. So basically no your not wrong for not loving him. How do you love somebody who hasn't been in your life and lies about your family? You don't need to call him dad because the way I see it, he doesn't sound like your true father. I think you shouldn't worry about what others think and worry about yourself. If you don't want him in your life, don't let him in. If he upsets, cut him out. And by the way, I don't need best answer or anything. I typed this up because I wanted to help. As long as I did that, that's the only reward I need(though best answer would be nice lol). Anyways I hope that I helped. If I didn't, I'm sorry. Hopefully you can get the help you need and can be happy in life. Good Luck!

Answer 13

I'd ask mom if (Bill) if he ever paid any child support at all, to help her financially all these years ! Because, if he has not, then he has not earned the respect to be called dad. Any man can father a child,but a dad is someone who does his best to communicate and stay in contact constantly with his childern (even if parents are separated) in your life, to love and protect you, provide for you, and trys to guide you and suport you in the things in life that will challeng you, and love you unconditionally ! The only rights Bill has is to live up to his financial responcibilities to help your mother provid for you & your sister. Have mom get an unlisted phone nummber and only give it out to people she can Really trust...this will save her Sanity and no unexpected phone calls from people she dosen't know !  Plus, you do not have to see him if you don't want to. I really feel for you, your sister and mom.  

Answer 14

look. People say a lot. Really a lot. Like you said, they yell at you for calling him Bill instead of dad.

The point is, not what others say... But it about what you think. but calling him "dad" is not at all a problem. But if you just don't want people to yell at you in regard to this, then go a-head tell them why you dont like him calling DAD. if this doesn't work out, just imagine and see that you are not possible to live in this Heaven'ly world without him. Atleast for that feeling just call him DAD from your lips. Eventhough you dont consider him that way. Just call him DAD for a formality though he is.......