We have 2 birth children that was placed for adoption and our family knows about one but not the other child?

Question

Sorry for reposting but for some reason it stopped taking answers: How do we tell our families about the second child that we had that we have placed for adoption. We don't want it to be a secret, but the first adoption hurt them emotionally very badly. The first one is an open adoption that is story book great the second one has not been so, much it is suppose to be an open adoption but the adoptionagency that we used made bad ties, so the adoptive family has not had contact with us in over 1 1/2 years so our families will not be able to see him like they have been on the first one. How do we go about telling them with as little hurt feelings as possible since this child was born and placed 3 years ago??? please help

Part of the reason it is coming to the time to inform people is because we have a 7 year old son that we teach to not keep secrets and he also knows about the other child and loves knowing about her The child he knows about also knows about our other adopted child so

Answer 1

I would suggest you just tell them, if they were hurt the first time they will be hurt just has much if not more.  You cannot spare them the pain no matter how much you may want too.

Answer 2

Hi Daisey,

I'm a firm believer in honesty being the best policy & I commend you for wanting to come clean.  After all, we are talking about their grandchild and someday they or the child may want to have a relationship.  At the very least, they deserve to know about each other.  As you mentioned,  your 7 year old should be free to discuss his sibling without having to be responsible for hiding secrets.  That's one of the major problems with adoption - too many secrets.  Government and agencies try to hide things from adoptees.  Some adoptive parents try to hide facts from their adopted children.  So we need to find a kind way to let your family know.

Would it be possible for you to invite them over for dinner or lunch?  Sometime during the meal you might start off with something like "Thanks for coming over, Mom, Dad.  There is something we want to tell you.   We know we should have told you when it happened.  We're sorry we did not.  However, we feel you should know now rather than not at all."  Of course they will be very interested to know what it is you have to say.  Then gently explain the facts to them.  Be prepared for any reaction they may have.  

Daisey, remember it's better late than never.  All of you will feel much better once this is out in the open.  I understand why you are hesitant to tell them after the first time.  If they were upset then, they will probably be upset again.  In time, they will learn to accept the situation.  

Trust that by being open, you are doing the right thing.  Do you have any support groups of first moms you can talk to about this?  It would really help to have an understanding friend to lean on during this time.  By the way, I think your husband could also benefit by speaking with some other first parents.

It is far better for your family to hear it from you rather than an outside source.  You can do this.  Good luck Daisey, and do be good to yourself.  You've been through a lot.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 3

WHY did you even have s*x KNOWING full well that you couldn't look after it.

I'm sorry but thats disgusting having s*x and knowing full well that you couldn't.

Answer 4

You need to learn to keep your legs closed and stop have s*x

Answer 5

Ok people stop being nasty. I understand (didnt read it all but I get the g-ist)You just tell them and tell why you hid it from them.They are your family and will support you!

Answer 6

well i would call them all together and tell them flat out. yes it may hurt sme and that is sad but heck they have never had to run into this situation and people that dont' have the problems always make comments because they dont' have a clue of whta goes on. yes, its sad and yes you mya hear flack but you are doing what is best and that is what you need to keep in mind and you are doing this for them. i mean yes they should understand but appearenlty they dont'  i hope all comes out for you in the end. take care.

Answer 7

it is may b hard on their part but u have to tell d truth bcoz in the truth you wil set them free

Answer 8

blah.. blah ..blah.. I didn't even read the whole thing...you don't explain yourself well ..all i know is two kids were adopted..at different time..and for rude comments..adoption isn't what the problem is ..adoption is wonderful for those who need it the first time...But   TWICE  !!! i think you don't want ot tell your family bc your ashamed...and you should be..tell them get it over..make things right for once...and KEEP YUR LEGS CLOSED..since you can't use birth control, thats not the fault..you are!!

Answer 9

I'm with Julie 100%, I think her answer pretty much sums up what I would have said.

Honesty is always best and kudos for teaching your son that! As for all the moronic, hatred spewing people out there... I know it is hard but try to ignore them. Obviously they have no clue at all what it means to loose a child, let alone two, for any reason.

*stomps on hater's heads*

Answer 10

you know what i'm not even going to bash you like all the other people on here did.Yes it wasn't a good idea to get pregnant a second time.But we all make mistakes and no one can judge you for what you did.I'm adopted myself and to me it takes a very strong women to carry a baby for 9 months having the baby grow inside of them, then to give the baby away to people who are unfortunate to have children.You made some poor decisons but i hope you have learned from them now.