We have two birth children that was placed for adoption and our family knows about one but not the other child

Question

How do we tell our families about the second child that we had that we have placed for adoption. We don't want it to be a secret, but the first adoption hurt them emotionally very badly. The first one is an open adoption that is story book great the second one has not been so, much it is suppose to be an open adoption but the adoption agency that we used made bad ties, so the adoptive family has not had contact with us in over 1 1/2 years so our families will not be able to see him like they have been on the first one. How do we go about telling them with as little hurt feelings as possible since this child was born and placed 3 years ago??? please help

Answer 1

Maybe if you start by saying that you now realize that you made an important mistake...want to rectify the situation...it is hard, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be....and then just tell what happened.  Ask for help from your family.  I hope they surprise you with love and understanding.

Answer 2

why worry about what or how your family feels..I mean it took 9 months to give this child life and they had no clue? You sated you have a 7 years old son...was/is your other 2 children girls, what or how could you keep 1 child and not keep ALL of your children I'm simply confused I guess. I wouldn't feel it would be of any ones business considering they knew nothing about the pregnancy anyways, and yes your two children will grow up and how are you going to answer them when they "ask why did you keep him and not us" there are ways to prevent unwanted children if you don't believe in birth control just refrain from sexual contact all together or have an IUD inserted..Come on common sense here folks...

Answer 3

I don't have advice on the 'how'  - but I think you're doing the right thing.

I found my first family only this last two years.

I was a secret to my siblings - and it's had a really bad effect on all of us.

Secrets and lies should be banished from adoption.

It causes so much pain for everyone involved.

The best things anyone can do for an adopted child - and their siblings - is to be open and honest about everything.

Your relatives may carry on about it 'hurting' them - but I'm positive you've been in more pain over relinquishing two children. Stand tall - you're doing the right thing. This is about the children - not about them.

My advice - tell them to get over themselves.

Good luck.

Answer 4

My cousin had a half-sister that was placed for adoption at birth that no one knew about until she was in her forties - she made contact with my cousin to find out some genetic risk information - she and her sister look so much alike it is eerie.  My recomendation is to either come clean and tell everyone or if you really think the emotional turmoil would be so great, don't feel obligated to tell the family - if it truly stresses you not to tell, by all means tell them, but stand by for the emotional storm it sounds like you expect.  Sometimes these kinds of things don't need to be told to all.

Answer 5

Don't tell them why in the world would you want to hurt them. Yea you did it the 1st time and they got over it. But the second don't you know about birth control, they are even making the pill for men now. Stop this, Most children that are adopted want to know there birth parents be hurt what are you going to tell them sorry forgot the pill. And asnother thing why wouldn't your family know about it you don't see or talk to either other very much or they would have known  what was going on in your life. Don't tell them it will only made you look bad in their eyes.

Answer 6

I understand a little of where you are coming from.  When I got pregnant with my son, I did not tell my father's family for fear that they would judge me.  They had already done so when I had my daughter (of whom I parent) at 19 yrs old.  With my son at 22 yrs old, my dad didn't even know I was pregnant until my sister called him while I was in the hospital - AFTER he was born.  The family slowly found out and I don't think the reaction was a bad as I thought it would be.  

Just tell them and explain that you weren't comfortable talking about it then but that you thought everyone should know.  I am sure they will be understandable.  

Take care and God bless!

Answer 7

It's surprising how many people are still promoting secrets and lies, as if we are ever separated from our past!  I wish I knew a formula but the best shot I've got is to remember why you're telling them, to strengthen the integrity of your family, because you care about them.

It's obviously touchy and depends a lot on personalities.  I'd suggest doing it in the most comfortable setting that you can, to give each of you the opportunity to take in the information.  It really depends on the individuals.  Some people can handle things more easily if they get a letter that allows them privacy to think and adjust to new information.

Think about who in your family circle is best at handling emotionally laden news.  Who can help you and the others to understand and accept all your reactions and feelings?

Let them know that you're telling them because you care about them and want to share.  You're including them in your family with the intention of building honor and respect for all family members, regardless of circumstances.  Do whatever supports you to stay focused in your heart.

Answer 8

why are you having kids and giving them up for adoption.is it on purpose?

Answer 9

I guess it's your burden, not theirs.  You've kept it from them for 3 years. Why do you NOW feel the need to unburden yourself with your choices?

Answer 10

I think it is just best to forget all about it.

Answer 11

Please sit down with your partner and make a commitment to do what is best for your children.  They had no choice about adoption so it is your responsibility to deal with the adoptions in a way that is best for them, including the child whom you have lost contact (someday you will reunite with that child so what you do now also affects him/her).  Children hate secrets and lies.  They want to know the truth (explained in a way that is appropriate for their age).

Just come out with the truth to the adults with a humble apology for misleading them.  But also let the adults know that the feelings of your children come first and that they will take priority in your relationships.

I think that for the sake of ALL of your children, it is best to get everything out in the open as soon as possible.

And ... please ignore the ignorant rude comments here.  They are nothing but a minor annoyance.

Answer 12

I understand how important it is for you to bring your 7 yr old up with good moral values, i.e. telling the truth and not keeping secrets.  However, it sounds like revealing details about this child's adoption could cause more anguish rather than promote family harmony.  The adoptive family seem to be keeping their distance and chances are, this will remain in your past.   You can still raise your son with integrity and promote trust and honesty without causing upset to yourself and the rest of your family by bringing this up right now.  I hope you reach a decision that causes the least amount of turmoil; least of all to you and your partner. Good luck