We only want one kid, and I want to adopt and he wants to have a biological child? How do we decide?

Question

It has always been my dream to adopt, where as I have only gone through small phases where I have wanted a biological child. He is cool with adoption but doesn't really want to do it.

Answer 1

Oooh, good question.  This is a tough one.  I'd like to say that since it's your body and you would have to be the one the pregnancy affects the most, then you get the final say.  But it's not that easy.  Kids are a biggie and you guys definitely need to AGREE on this--either biological or adoption--before you guys proceed.  Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

Answer 2

Why do you want to pursue adoption? Maybe start there, asking yourself that question. Figure out if your reasons and your idea of adoption match up with the reality.

Adopted children come with an extra set of parenting responsibilities. They've been taken away from their first family, from everything they've known, and thrust into a new family. That's not to say they don't adjust, but it IS a loss for them, and that gives you as the parent the added responsibility of being a support to them.

Plus, if you are talking about an older child adoption (either from foster care or internationally), you need to recognize that there will be other traumas in their life, too.

Adoption isn't for the faint of heart. It's not rescuing a child, it's not easy, and it's not simple. It's a complicated way to build a family.

Why don't you research adoption as a starting point, and then ask yourself if it's something you want to do? I'll link to a couple sites below that are good places to start:

Answer 3

wouldn't you rather raise your own baby rather than someone Else's child?if you are both healthy or the child you adopt is not.

Answer 4

talk it out throuroughly

he has to see what you mean

try and reason with him and explain that it has always been your dream and your reasons to adopt

Answer 5

You didn't decide this before marriage? This type of thing is why there are so many divorces. I would sit down and do some serious soul searching (both of you) and if you can't come to an agreement get some counseling. This is a serious issue and shouldn't be decided by the toss of a coin. If either of you resents the decision you make now it could cause major problems years down the road.

Answer 6

I would say have a biological child first and hopefully the joy from that child will encourage you to adopt a second.  Think of it this way, you can adopt anytime in your life, but you can only birth a child for a limited time - then your chance is gone.

Answer 7

I find it humorous that you simply think that you have a choice in the matter.

There are so many people trying to adopt and the number of infants available for adoption is very low.  

You would be very lucky if you were chosen over a couple who could not have biological children.

Answer 8

I don't know what you mean by his being cool with adoption but, doesn't really want to do it. Do you mean that he has nothing against it but, doesn't want to do it? Most people ahve nothing against adoption but, most people never picture themselves doing it. By far the vast majority of people who adopt do so because they can not have a biological child. I think it is very normal to want a biological child. I don't think adoption is something you can or should talk someone into, or not do unless you truly want to. You and he could certainly find a good marriage counselor who might be of help in talking you through this but, there's no way to "compromise" and I really think you each need to make up your own minds about such an issue.

Answer 9

Personally i dont think you would be fair to him if you just choose to adopt... If your husband wants a child the reason he wants it with you is because you are his wife, he wants to grow with you and the child, YOUR child together...Adopting is a good thing, but i believe you will regret it one day, especially when you have that adopted baby, you will regret the fact that you didnt have one of your own.

I would love to adopt a child, and i have one already and one on the way (of my own)

I would adopt every needy child, if i had the means to, children are precious so either way you decide, you are either rasing a child of your own and giving them the best home you know how, or you are rainsing a needy child and doing the same thing. Good luck

Answer 10

If both your hearts are not in it best to have a biological kid.

Nothing worse that someone adopting  a child and then treating them like second class citizens.

And sending them back to foster care as teenagers with lots of emotional baggage.

Answer 11

That's a hard one there are a lot of children who need loving parents out there but then again there's nothing like having one of your own also. I hope you the best and hope you make the right decision for the both of you.

Answer 12

Break a wishbone?

Cage fight?

Thumb wrestle?

...

Answer 13

if you do decide to adopt, please adopt from here, the us, or have your own baby

Answer 14

adopting kids is an individuals rights.so having a gud conversation may solve the prob.tel hw u feel for an orphan child and hw they seeking for sum1's luv.

Answer 15

u guys can have both if u guys feel that strongly.

Answer 16

Wait until both of you are in agreement about what you want to do.  Maybe you'd reconsider how many children to have in your family that way you could have a biological child & an adopted child, too.

Answer 17

If your husband does not want to adopt, don't push it, that would be unfair to the child.

Answer 18

you should sit down with your husband and talk about having a child or adopting just tell him your opinion on how to have a child i would personaly have a bioligical child but thats my opinion its up to you.

Answer 19

Unless you are planning on adopting an older or difficult to place child, you should have your own. There are SO many infertile couples who's only choice is adoption, infants should be placed with them.

Answer 20

Adopting a child when one parent doesn't really want to is so unfair to that child. Some adopted kids already feel as if they are 2nd best - how will he/she feel upon learning that's true.

Answer 21

Ultimately, you are he one that is going to cary this child and if you have no wish to be pregnant, then its your choice. However, if you know that you have no problems conceiving and you are not afraid of becoming pregnant, the message you might be sending to your better half is that you don't care to have a child with HIM.

You definitely need to discuss this further with him and ask what he really feels.

Answer 22

I don not understand how you want to adopt and the man want his own child. I would think that adoptions are mostly for folks who cannot have children of their own. You both only want one child so then if there is nothing wrong with you both medically then please have the man's biological child. It is the right thing to do. You would be proud.

Answer 23

flip a coin

Answer 24

Do you want to adopt a baby or an older child?   If you are able to have children, but wish to adopt a baby - you should have your own.   People who cannot have children and want babies wait for years on lists waiting for the chance to adopt.  It would be selfish of you to do that when you could have your own.   If you want to adopt an older child - that would be great!

Answer 25

i would think of some pro and con lists together for each one. and then think about it for a while. concider financial, work, home life, ect.

Answer 26

Don't you have a Pastor?!?!?   I guess I am just amazed that you would post a question like that online for a bunch of people you don't know to answer and advise you. Wow!

Answer 27

can you not afford both? my husband and i have a biological child and we are planning on adopting one too. however we have agreed that we don't want to adopt a newborn. we want to give a child that is past the "adoptable prime" age because every child deserves a chance!

good luck with whatever you decide! that's a tough decision to make

Answer 28

Should have talked about this before you got married.  Ultimately, what will happen is that you two will split and he will move on and find a woman who will have his child. I kid you not.  People shouldn't be forced into adoption if that is not their goal in life. Both of the parents should be on the same page.

Answer 29

You need to have a long conversation if he is only cool about adopting i say have one because he may not love the baby as much as you think.

Answer 30

if u cant hav a child then adopt

if u can have it then pass on ur genes

Answer 31

Frankly i think whenever possible,  your very own child is the best bet. Why?

The fact that the child is create from both parents gene make it unique and bonding strong, whether it is the husband n wife ,mother n child,father n child or all 3.

As for an adopted child , if all works out then all is well but

should one of the parent initially has a reservation then likely he will always asked the question -what n how will my own child be like if he/she reaches the same age of the adaopted child.

And should there be a fight, the adopted child most likely get the blunt of it. Is it fair to the child then ?

Make sure all issue and differences are ironed out before a final decision is made. This is for life - everyones life.

Don't make a miserable decision now and regret later.

Only the strongest will substain.

Good Luck!