We want to adopt a child. Thoughts about adopting out of birth order?

Question

In other words, our sons are 9,6, and 3. If you stick to birth order, the newly adopted child would be under 3. If not, they are somewhere in the middle of the other 3. Is this too disruptive? We would really like to find a baby or a toddler but so would everyone else, it seems.

Answer 1

It would be better to have the child the youngest. But no matter what age, your going to have some adjustments. Life is an adjustment, so take a breath and take it on

Answer 2

interesting question...

I have no experience but I dont think it would be disruptive..

people have blended families after re-marriage and many of them adjust just fine..

Good luck with your adoption

Answer 3

We considered adopting out of birth order and did a lot of research on the subject.  We met a boy who is two years older than our youngest and really wanted to adopt him.  All the research we did lead us to the conclusion that it would likely put our youngest son in harm's way.  Older children in need of families often suffer from attachment issues and one of the symptoms is that they pick on children younger than themselves.

We tried to come up with some positive research that would even allow us to seriously consider it but everything and I mean everything we read said no.

It was heartbreaking to have to step aside but we had to do it for the safety of our youngest child.  The boy we considered ended up with a wonderful family who only had older children so it does have a happy ending for him.

Go to www.taoforumnetwork.com and communicate with Lucy.  She is an adoptive parent to several special needs children who have attachment issues and she has a wealth of knowledge and resources on the subject.  Go to the special needs section of that forum and you will find her.  I think there is even a board dedicated to the topic.

Answer 4

i agree with Mommy of 6. It shouldn't be disruptive at all to adopt that way. And if you're serious and successful, i commend you. Adoption is probably one of the most selfless acts that parents can make. Good luck!

Answer 5

I too, have no experience with this, but I feel that if you're going to adopt, your children are obviously aware of this and are accepting of this. I don't think it would be any more disruptive than adding a child of any age. There are so many that need a loving family and would LOVE to just "fit right in" the middle of your family.

I commend you on your choice to adopt, and congratulations on your future new family!

Answer 6

I think birth order is important.  I want the child I adopt to be the youngest.  My youngest right now is 21 months so I just have to wait awhile before I can adopt.

Answer 7

My mother was adopted when she was 8, and she went into a family with a younger girl & boy.  They bonded just fine, and now they are in their 40's and are like "real" siblings.  I think as long as everyone feels loved and feels that they have their own special place in the family it isn't a problem.

Answer 8

It should be fine.   I don't think it would be real disruptive.  My ex husband has 2 step-sons that are the same ageas our daughters are and they don't seem to be upset by it.

Answer 9

Adopting out of birth order is a risk factor for disruption.  Some homestudy agencies won't even allow it.  I think it will depend on your children, probably mainly your 3 year old.  Adopted children require attachment parenting, so you will not be doing things the exact same way as your other children.  (Please read up on attachment parenting if you are going to adopt, especially a toddler or older child.)  For example, when you need to pay a lot of extra attention for awhile to your newly adopted, grieving, adjusting child, your toddler the same age may find it very difficult (and you too).  You probably also will not be able to disclipline quite the same way for awhile, and your toddler may find it unfair and not be able to understand.  Again, this can be very, very rough on everyone.  It is a big consideration.  It can be done succesfully, but please be aware of the challenges and be prepared for them if you decide to do this.  Good Luck!

Some good books to read:

"Toddler Adoption:  The Weaver's Craft"

"Parenting the Hurt Child"

Also, I want to say, when examining serious adoption issues, be careful just getting general opinions and do lots of research.  Many people just aren't aware of a lot of adoption issues.  I'm not trying to criticize.  I wasn't aware of a lot of issues that I am now until I really started researching when we were in the process, and am still learning as an adoptive parent to my wonderful daughter, the light of my life.  

Here is a good website:

http://www.informedadoptions.com/index.p...