We want to meet our child that we put up for adoption?

Question

When I was much younger My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time and I experienced an unplanned pregancy. We knew we couldn't provide for the baby so we put him up for adoption. Now 15 years later we are married and have 2 boys who are 2 and 4 and we have a little girl on the way. We really want to meet our son we put up for adoption but we don't know if its a good idea for him. We don't want to cause him to have any bad feelings torwards us we just want to meet him. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? how did it go? Should we go ahead and meet him or wait for him to want to meet us?

Answer 1

You might want to wait till he's 18. But if you have a way of letting him know you're interested in meeting him and letting him make the decision from there, that would be cool.

Answer 2

Absolutely!  Contact him, treat him as if he's a legitimate member of your family.  Provide for him in your estate just like your other children.  Give him your health history, and a sample of your DNA so he can trace and compare his genetic history.  Be prepared to explain to him why it has taken you two 15-years to contact him.  Be prepared to hear that he's been trying to contact you two, but just afraid that you would reject his love again.  Depending on the State where you live, it is doubtful you'll be able to legitimize his birth, but you can make it up to him with much love, respect, honesty.  Don't forget his adoptive parents, who love him and who'll he'll always love.  Try not to come between that love, but share yours with theirs explaining he has four loving parents.  Show it from the first contact.

Answer 3

its a sweet idea, and i havent been in a similar position, but i know that if i were him, i would not want to meet my real parents, i would only want to think that i had one set of parents, the ones who raised and provided for me. congratulations on your pregnancy though!

Answer 4

I think it's a great idea to reach out to him.  You didn't give details if this as an arranged adoption and you know who and where he is.  If you do not have this information, he is too young for you to legally contact him directly.  I'm assuming by the dates above he is 15/16 years old.  Each state has different laws and ages to determine when an adoptee is an adult.  These ages range from 18 to 25.  

The first step you should take is contact the agency or court that handled the adoption and have the consent to contact added to the file.  Most states allow this and if he or his parents request info the families are easily and legally reunited.  The second step you should take is to post your information on as many adoption reunion sites as possible.  Some may not allow you to post because he is underage but it's also worth a try.  

Here is a link that shows each states laws regarding reunion contact.

http://local.reunion.adoption.com/

Good luck

Answer 5

he is a teenager, talk to the parents first, they probably would know how he would take it

Answer 6

Well it really depends you might contact the adoption agency you placed him through and they could possible contact his parents to see if he might be interested in meeting you. His parents might not even have to ask  him, as he could have indicated to them if he at this time has the desire or want to ever meet his biological parents.  So if he didn’t want to meet you the parents could just tell the agency.

That seems to be a big question should birthparents attempt to contact birth children or wait and see if the birth child ever decides to contact them. Perhaps you could wait 2 to 4  years. Being a teenager can be pretty hard at times and to possible add this on top of it.

Answer 7

really wait till the boy is grown when hes 15 it might be ruff on him and he may not kno hes adopted yet !! baing a teenager can cause stress and that can cause badd grades and mess his life up forever wait

Answer 8

If you know the people that have your son maybe you can talk to them and discuss it with them and see if they can get anything out of him as to whether or not he wants to meet you. My best friend is adopted and her adopted mom and dad didn't want him to meet her real mom so that may be an issue also. Good Luck!

Answer 9

Who is to say, that he has not be waiting for you to contact him?  

This is a touchy subject.  I am glad o hear that you and your husband went on to have a great life.  Marriage, and more children.  But that just doesn't help fill the void of the one that got away, sort-of-speak.  Since he is only 15, you would have to look for him.  I don't know where you are located, but in Canada, you have to be 18 before you do any research.  And then if you go in the system, you could be lucky enough to have a match, or go on a journey, that could be overwhelming.  

Was it a closed adoption?  Have you been in contact with the family that have adopted him (pictures, report cards, etc...).  You would also have to have that family's approval.  It is always a great idea to look for someone, but you also need to consider your family, now.  How would that go over with the children now?  

I have just found my birth family, and to be honest, I don't have anything to do with my birth mother.  Long story short, she lied on my non-identifying information about my father, and that is no way to start a relationship off.  I speak to my uncle all the time, but nothing.  

Make sure that you are ready for rejection, but even better, acceptance.  He is still young, so ya never really know how it would go.  

FYI-Look into the legalities of it.

Answer 10

Yes, feel free to contact him.

In reading the other answers, there seems to be a theme of advising you to ask his adoptive parents first to feel the waters first out of respect.  I think this is really disrespectful to the adoptee who is consistently marginalized when it comes to their own choices.  Not only are adoptees not usually given access to their records even after becoming legally an adult, but quite often the weight of parental expectations of loyalty and gratefulness overtake natural curiosity of finding out one's roots.

I know adoptive parents are by virtue of how the adoption process is presented are led to believe that they hold the deciding factor in whether contact is appropriate or not, but in actuality it is the adoptee's right and it should not be coerced by anyone.

All to often birthparents are told by adoptive parents that the adoptee is not interested in meeting without actually asking the adoptee if that is true or not.

It would be much better to just ask him directly.

Answer 11

Please go find him.  I'm an adoptee, and my life has been one big question mark.

Answer 12

I have not been in a situation like this before, but my aunt has...She realy wanted to see her son, but was worried about what it would do to him emotionaly.

What she did is she talked to the people who adopted her son, and talked to them. They said that her son was getting curiouse about his real mom, so they arranged for them to meet at a park. She saw her son, and they had a nice relationship.

What you need to do is talk to the people who adopted  your son and talk to them about your ideas. See what they think and ask them what state he is emotionaly.

I hope this helps ♥   ♥

Answer 13

was it an open adoption?  are you actually allowed to meet him.  well if the answer to this is yes, then i would first see how the adopted parents feel about it.  then if they are ok with it you might try writing him a letter at first or a phone call.  if he wants to meet you then do so, but don't force him too.  and don't take it personally if he has harsh feelings toward you guys

Answer 14

yeah i know someone like that she was adopted she didnt meet her real mom until it was to late. she held no grudge about being put up.  she did have achance to meet her father though and he told her the story about how he and her mother wanted to give her the life that they knew they couldnt give her and she deserved better. my only advice is every story is different  and every person is different you should meet your son tell him your story and make him a part of your family with the intent of telling this adopted parentsall you want is to know him and how he has been most adopted parentsget scared that you are tring to presuade him to leave in a few short years and forget about them.  adoption is very tricky to the other parents.  it may take time but at least you know that he know has a life and is being taking care of vereses 15 yrs ago he kight have not

Answer 15

my friend gave up her son.  For a while she got updates on him.  She left the decision to him and he never contacted her, she did not pursue it. He would be 30 now.

Answer 16

IT WOULD BE GOOD, BUT THEN IT WOULD BE HARD FOR HIM. TRY IT GIVE IT SOMETIME THO. JUST WAIT UNTIL HE'S READY HE MAY NOT BELIVE THAT YOUR'E HIS BIOLOGICAL PARENTS BECAUSE YOU GUYS WAS NEVER THERE FOR HIM.

Answer 17

I was 15 when I started searching for my birthmom. I don't know your child's situation in his life - so it's really hard to say for him. But I can tell you from my experience - when I did meet my birthmom - it was wonderful. I had to look for her, and while she wanted to know who I was and how I turned out, she felt it was important for me to make that decision on my own. And it made me feel more special, not only to find out that she WANTED to know me, but that she wanted to give ME the CHOICE  and didn't want to hurt me on the offhand chance that finding me was something I did not want or need in my life.

Of course she would have been welcomed into my life greatly at 15 - but again my situation with that has a medical history, and emotional history that may be entirely different than your sons.

Question for you - do your two children now know about their brother? I found both birthparents. My father had told his two children about me since they were born. They were really excited to meet me when we met. My mother did not tell her daughter about me until after I found her - and the daughter took it OK but I always worried that I would upset her by "invading" into her family's life (when really it wasn't my fault, but I still worried). I don't think she ever felt that way, which is good too.

I can also tell you that from personal experience, as long as your child knows he was adopted, he WILL wonder about you. Who you are, what happened to you. He might not admit it, or he might openly do so and search you out first. You obviously loved him and knew it was best for him to go to a family who was more prepared for parenthood at that time - and that does mean something - to him and to his family he was adopted into. And he may not even realize it, as some kids never "wonder" about where they came from - but deep in his heart YOU have a SPECIAL place there. It was your gift to him, and God's gift to you - so try to not to focus on negative feelings such as "does he hate me for it?" or "he'll never know me". Because let me tell you - if I never met my mother, I'd still know her in my heart and through my spirit.

Most states have laws that adoption records are sealed until the child is 18 - or something like that. Especially in a closed adoption. Consider at 15 he might not be emotionally ready for meeting his birthfamily, and maybe when he is older both families would benefit from positive relationships that can develop through reunions down the line. Maybe you're feeling that somehow you abandoned him, and you are searching for a way to make it up to him, when really you're trying to make yourself feel better. (And that's OK and a normal reaction to have so please don't take offense to a different viewpoint on this).

Anyway, you and your family are in my heart. I truly feel for waht you are going through - and let me just reassure you that anything I have offered my voice on here is strictly based on my experiences, and what I have learned about my family, myself, and my birthparents through the search, reunification, and loss process. (I say loss because while I LOVED meeting my families and getting to know them, we have all gone our separate ways and it wasn't under the best circumstances so that made it very difficult as well).

Answer 18

I say yea go ahead and look for him, if it was and open adoption it should be easy to contact or make a connection. Hopefully his adoptive family have told him that he is adopted. I am adopted and found my birth parents 10 years ago, I have no ill feelings to them at all and dont blame them for giving me up. (they were young also) Alot of times though you have to wait until the child is 18 to make any contact, that was how it was for me anyway. My adoption was private so we both had to register in the province I was born stating that we were looking for each other and then they made the connection. Today we get together many times a year and I have many half brothers and sisters, a huge extended family and I feel more at home with them than with my adoptive family sometimes! Good luck!

Answer 19

HEY I HAVEN'T BEEN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIZ NOR HAVE I KNOWN ANYONE BUT IM HERE 2GIVE U SUM ADVICE. IN MY OPINION I THINK THATZ ITZ GREAT 2 MEET UR SON...UR SON MIGHT B CONFUSED ON WHAT HAPPENED AND MIGHT NOT KNO IF HIZ BIOLOGICAL PARENTZ CARE 'BOUT HIM SO TO KEEP HIM OUT OF TROUBLE(s*x, ALCOHOL, DRUGZ, GANGZ, STEALING, AND OTHA NEGATIVE) I THINK U SHOULD GET INTO HIZ LIFE...IF U DECIDE 2 GET INTO HIZ LIFE U MIGHT NOT KNO WAT HE DOEZ AND HE MIGHT NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE 2 TELL U AND THATZ OKAY...WHETHER HE LIKEZ U OR RESPECT U LET HIM KNO THAT U R HERE AND IF U DONT LET HIM LIVE WIT U GIVE HIM SUM X-TRA CASH SO HE CAN BUY SUM OF THA MATERIAL THINGZ THAT HE WANTZ AND HE'LL DEFINETLY KNO U CARE...TELL HIM EVERYTHING FROM START TO FINISH ON WAT HAPPENED WHETHER U THINK ITZ THA RIGHT TIME OR NOT. I THINK HE SHOULD KNO AND JUZZ B OPEN WIT HIM SO HE CAN HAVE THAT BOND THAT HE PROBABLY HAZ NEVA HAD...GET INTO HIZ LIFE AND UNDERSTAND EACH OTHA WEN UR TALKIN'...KEEP IN TOUCH WIT HIM...BUY HIM A CELLPHONE AND TREAT HIM LIKE HE'Z A TEENAGER WHETHER HE LIVEZ WIT U OR NOT...MONEY MIGHT NOT B THAT ANSWER BUT I KNO THERZ SUM THINGZ HE WANT AND MIGHT NEED...AFTER LIKE A MONTH IF U THINK THAT HEZ OF AGE AND MATURE ENOUGH START HANGN' OUT AND TAKE HIM 'ROUND UR CHILDREN, FAMILY, AND FRIENDZ(B A PARENT BUT ALZO A FRIEND). ON HOLIDAYZ HE SHOULD DO WATEVA IT IZ THAT U DO,(MAKE HIM FEEL RIGHT @ HOME) AND JUZZ BE FAIR AND HONEST.

P.S.-DONT LET ANYTHING STOP U...I THINK ITZ A GOOD IDEA SO GO FOR IT....LOVE IZ A KEY,KNOWING THAT U HAVE SOMEONE WHO CAREZ AND THINK 'BOUT U CAN GO ALONG WAY. LOVE IZ WAT WE ALL NEED, LOVE IZ THA KEY... DONT 4GET HIZ BIRTHDAY(IF U CELEBRATE B-DAYZ)...REMIND HIM 2 STAY N SCHOOL.

WELL I THINK THATZ ALL 4 NOW, HOPE U DECIDED 2 TAKE MY ADVICE...BE A GOOD PARENT.

Answer 20

to tell u the truth contact his parents first on the phone or email ask him if he knows about he be adopted.  Then talk to him on the phone b4 you do any action and wen he get to know you he will be ready.  Its shows you guys care and he'll understand cuz he might be wandering too if he knows who r u any kid would

Answer 21

yeah, he'll probably be pissed as all h**l. wait until he's ready.

Answer 22

Deffinetly put it out there to him that you want to meet him. I was adopted 25 years ago and still havent met my birthparents and I wish to very badly. I think 15yrs old is a good age for him to decide if he wants to meet you. PS I wish very much so to meet my birthparents and it is very hard to locate them i only have unidentifying info on them. He wont have bad feelings toward you-trust me.

Answer 23

You have every right to want to see and meet with your child for the first time, however the decision is not up to you two, but to his adopted parents. Bare in mind that if you decide to go through with this, you guys are opening a can of worms and results could be somewhat less appealing to the both of you as well as to the child. Also, the adopted family might take it as a threat and this is to be expected. I am 27 and also an adopted child and not a day goes by that I don't wish that they'd try finding me or my siblings. Yes, I'm blessed because God gave me a wonderful family to love and care for me, but the heart and damage after all this time is still there. I miss my family with a great deal and wish to one day be reunited with them. I know what yall are going through just as much as what your son is going through. Yes, your son might know the truth and act like he's fine with it, but deep down he has an empty void just as I do as well as questions that need answers. Good Luck!!

Answer 24

I think it would be wonderful for you to contact your son.  However, I agree that you will need to make contact with the adoptive parents first.  I say this only because your son is still a minor and his adoptive parents need to make decisions based on what's in his best interest.

I hope you do make contact with him.  It's my firm belief that every child should know their full life story and know the people that gave them life.

I wish you the best!

Answer 25

If you know how to contact him, then you will no how to contact his adoptive parents.  You should actually contact them first.  At 15 their worlds are already upside down so now would probably not be the best time to just step into his life, however by contacting his adoptive parents you may find that he has questions and wants to meet you.  You could also send a letter to the parents requesting they pass to your son that if he ever has questions about his birth parents you are there to help him.

Answer 26

Ok I'm adopted and I'm going to be honest with you...He will probably be really nervous yet excited. But he also might have hard feelings towards you guys...because you have so many other kids now. It's just a chance you take. You did the best thing for him thoug. At 15 you were no were near ready to raise a child, you were still a child yourself. I wish you good luck! and feel free to email me if you have any questions or just want to talk!

Answer 27

Make sure he wants to meet you and don't force him if he doesn't i am in this state right now and it is hard because i am kind of being forced and i am really rebelling because i love my family and i am not ready for this yet. Just because of why it happened.

Answer 28

i think its a good idea as long as your ready for it because everyone needs to kno who made them

Answer 29

you can try to meet him as a friend of the family who adopted him.  did you have an open adoption?  did you meet the birth parents?  do you know who adopted him??

if you'd like to see him / meet him ... you shouldn't do it as his parents ... you should either do it from a far and gradually befriend him or check with his adoptive parents and see if he has expressed interest and/or anger towards you ... and honor their wishes.

good luck

Answer 30

...why don't you test out the waters a little bit, write a letter to the parents who adopted him and see if they think it would be a good idea, or if he has expressed any resentment to them about you guys...don't just show up and throw yourselves at him, that might be a little overwhelming...im adopted and i know my mom EVERY year on our( my sister and i...two different families) birthday writes to the adoption agency ( and then they are passed on to our biological moms...we have closed adoptions) about how we are doing, what we have accomplished in that year...however we have never recieved any reponses ( im 21 and my sister is 17) ...it was nice to know that even though i wasn't in contact with my mom she knew how i was....there are times when i wish i had enough courage to look for my mom ( its hard sometimes you will pass someone on the street and be like wow they look kinda like me i wonder if that is my mom or my sister) so maybe it would be best if you persused him (very cautiously ) and made it in option for him to get to know you ...  but don't be offended if NOW isn't the right time for him to meet you, i know if my mom were to write out of the blue it might take me a while to come to grips with the situation but eventually i would love to talk to her ...so good luck and sorry it was so long...

Answer 31

The fact that you are expecting again could really complicate his feelings.  Wait.

What was the "Continuing Contact Agreement" with his parents?  Do you know them?  Have you met?

Write him letters about how you feel, but keep them.  Then he will know how you feel when he is ready.  But please -- be careful about all the sentiment and emotion.  It is not his fault or responsibility that you have felt pain.  You made the choice to place him because you love him and wanted the best for him.  Don't make him feel that because you made an adoption plan for him, you have had a life of pain!

Instead, make sure he feels GOOD, STRONG, and POSITIVE about your decision -- his life!  Love him, and show him you are strong and whole, and therefore he is too!

That is truly the best gift you can give him.

And honor his parents by abiding by the agreement, verbal or implied, that you made 15 years ago regard ing contact.  If you can check things out with them first, great.  Otherwise, wait for him to want contact.  He may or may not.  But either way, know you gave him the best you could!