We wanted to adopt a small chold between the ages of 2 and 4

Question

since 3 of our children have grown and moved on . we have 2 children left a 13 yr old and a 5 yr old when we checked into adopting it was going to take about 2 yrs in classes and fostering the child . Well heres the thing we dint want to foster for 2 yrs to find out the bio parents wants them back. here in our state 1200 children a yr reach 18 in orphanages you would think they would be fairer to loving caring adopting parents when they want to adopt we dint mine all the classes and them checking our home and us out what we mine is getting attached to the child same with the child attaching to us to maybe being taken from us for nothing we have done wrong. so my question is is there any other way out there to adopt and do you feel this way they do it is fair to the children in these orphanages and to all who wants to adopt

Answer 1

you can get a adoption only homestudy, every state has a program, sometime you have to pay for that homestudy, but many people do just put in for legally free children who are not getting adopted by there foster parents...

my son was actually placed with me that way at age 8...

go to your state's social services site and find out the procedure for your state...

Most kids in foster care are not there because their parents want them there, they were removed because some social worker thought they were being neglected or abused..

there really are not orphanages in the USA any more, but foster homes, group homes, and residential treatment.... the kids that don't get adopted it because of the screwed up social services system

I was a foster parent for 5 years, cared for 16 kids all together, and most did not want to go back to having nothing to eat, being made to participate in group s*x, getting raped by mom's boy friend of the week, etc...  (I think it is the SWs perception that they miss that, just to be with bios) {the 2 I had whose mom was not so bad, just made a few bad choices and cussed a judge, they missed their mom dearly and I was never so happy than to see that poor young women finally get her children back}

You could not have cared for thousands, you may have spoke with them one time a week, pushed papers around about them, went and visited them at school or something.... saw them cry after a visit with birth mom or something...

{did you see the re-run of that child s*x thing a week or so back, where they took kids from some small Asian country out of a w***e house?  they were all crying too.... yet had been jumping for joy when they thought the man was going to pay them for s*x}

oh, just a sad world..

any way, many people try to adopt from social services, but DSS does a great job of turning them away (yet they let Jimmy Bakker)  

here is a site about that.

http://www.listeningtoparents.org/index....

Answer 2

well im 13 and ive been in foster care al lot becausse my mom abused me and still does i got so attached once that my foster parents really wanted to adopt me and my mom even said they could.... but then for some stupid reason she wanted me back.... and im still heartbroken.... we didnt get to go to court cuz they gave up.... but if this is happening to u right now i say fight for them until u cant fight no more!!!!    im sure those kids would be as sad as i was to go back to their parents wen they r so attached to u.

if u want to adopt sooner then ask a judge im sure he or she would understand.... GOOD LUCK!!!!

Answer 3

Honestly Its better to Adopt them When they are Little LIke baby because now there like your not my mom and adoption makes me sad I'm glad my parents kept me  

Answer 4

Stephen,

Yes, of course it's fair.  The OPTIMAL situation for a child is always to return to the biological family -- if it is possible.  Meaning safe, clean, with parenting skills in place, etc.

You are right that there are many children who 'age out' of state care/custody at the age of 18 without the benefit of permanency.

The inaccuracy is in your use of the word "orphanages".  There are no orphanages in the United States.  There are foster homes, group homes, and treatment facilities (as well as a few other types of placements) for children in a state's care, but no "orphanages".

Also, I think the problem may be that you are thinking too much about yourself and not enough about the hypothetical child.  You do mention the child's attachment to you, in addition to lamenting the idea of "losing" a child that you have attached to...but my question is this:  What about the child's attachment to his/her natural parents?  Surely, you don't think that there is no attachment?  Or that such can be easily 'overcome' by placement in a 'nice, loving' home with complete strangers?

I'm certain it's possible for a child to develop attached and loving feelings for people who care for them and provide a safe and nurturing environment, but that will NEVER completely eliminate the love and longing they have for their natural parent/s or home and you really shouldn't expect it to.

I have cared for thousands (yes, thousands, literally) of children who have been removed from their parents for reasons of abuse and neglect of varying types and degrees.  Some, unbearably cruel, hateful, inhuman...unthinkable to 'regular' folks.  I have to tell you in all sincerity, that it was a VERY small number of these children who DIDN'T want to go home and an even SMALLER number who didn't still love and care about their parents.

That bond, despite all the terrible things they have endured, is not easily broken.  Breaking that bond should NOT be the intent of someone who truly wants to do what is best.  I'm certainly not advocating sending a child into an abusive situation -- NOT AT ALL.  But many (maybe even most) of the parents of the children I worked with could...and did...make the choice to learn, improve, grow, change...and get their kids back.  They knew they had made bad choices and they wanted to do better.  Often they didn't have the skills, they didn't know how to parent, they became addicts early in life, they had few (or no) positive parenting 'models' to learn from.  Difficult as it may be to understand, good parenting is not automatic.  It IS actually possible for a parent who makes a lot of mistakes to not realize how 'bad' their parenting is.  They don't know they are hurting their kids.  They were often parented in the same way themselves.

Certainly, there are those who do not change.  There are those who try, but fail.  There are those who have no interest in parenting or changing their ways in order to bring their kids home.  Those kids DO need homes.  Those kids SHOULD grow up somewhere else with different caregivers/parents.  I would never advocate 'teaching' them to hate their parents, though.  Some will anyway, all on their own.  It should not be the position of 'new' parents (foster, adoptive, group home staffers, or otherwise) to demand the exclusive loyalty of the children or to suggest they 'disavow' or 'reject' their first parents.  What a sad thing!

If you want to adopt without the *necessity* of fostering first or the *risk* of losing a child because "the bio parents want them back" -- that's not how it works, by the way -- you should consider adopting an older child.  Sadly, in the foster care system, "older" usually means someone over the age of 6 or 8.  You can speak to a caseworker (yours, if you already have one working with you on foster care) about only bringing in children who are "legally free" (those whose parents rights have already been terminated).  I'll tell you though, the first goal of all state social service agencies is reunification.

Here's a direct paste from my state's website:

While many children who enter the foster care system

will return home to their birth families or relatives, some

children are unable to return home and need a permanent

adoptive family.  If families are primarily interested in adoption,

there are children in foster care who are legally free for adoption.

Most of these children are over the age of 6, have special needs

and may be part of a sibling group that need to stay together.

Children between the ages of 0-5 are usually placed with families

who are approved to provide foster care and willing to support

reunification efforts.  Many families who have adopted children from

foster care have fostered several children before they adopt a child.

Please review your attitudes about what is in the best interest of a child before you make this life-altering decision (the CHILD'S life).

Good luck!

ETA to R S:  You are wrong.  I DID actually CARE FOR -- as in TAKE CARE OF -- thousands of children in 3 different group home settings.  I was in the home for up to 16 hours straight (per shift) and I did that 6 days per week.  I am a social worker NOW and, yes, my work with children is different now.  But, I was a staff member of 3 different groups homes (not all 3 at the same time) for MANY years before I finished my degrees.  The average number of children that came through each group home was 1100 per year.   So, no it was not paper-pushing and once-a-week contact like you assumed.  I cooked and cleaned for them.  I tucked them in at night and did their laundry and cleaning while they slept.  I drove them to school and picked them up.  I fixed their boo-boos and gave them hugs (if they wanted them).  I sat with them for hours and hours while they cried because they had been hurt or neglected and because they missed their moms and/or dads -- and sometimes cried with them.  I changed diapers.  I cleaned up messes.  I helped the little bitty ones bathe.  I tutored them and helped with their homework.  I took them to parks and out on other fieldtrips when the budget allowed or someone donated tickets or passes.  I helped them write letters home and supervised phone calls.  These kids LOVED and MISSED their parents -- not the abuse.  I know what I'm talking about when I say that MOST of them want to go home.  OF COURSE they don't want to go home and be abused...that would be absurd.  They want to go home -- to their ONLY parents who they LOVE -- and NOT be abused IN THEIR OWN HOME.  You obviously don't get what I'm talking about at all.  They would rather go home and NOT be abused than go to a complete strangers home and NOT be abused.  These kids don't understand why their parents hurt them (in all the various ways) or how hard it is for some parents to change but YES they absolutely DO want their OWN parents -- not strangers with a bigger house and/or more money.

I find it very strange (and not too intelligent) that you would actually feel you had any knowledge or authority to dispute FACTS about my life and my work.  Disagree with my opinions all you want to -- I welcome it.  But to think you know more about MY life than I do is, well, pretty stupid.

Answer 5

Consider adopting a waiting child, these kids are already available for adoption natural parents rights already been given up or terminated. You might also look into the Fos to adopt program. In this program you would only be placed with a child that had a high probability to become available for adoption.  

Answer 6

I kow what your saying, i was raised in a family that fostered children periodically, til their parents sorted their lives out, it was heart wrenching seeing my 'sisters' and 'brothers' go when their parents decided it was time to go back. My parents were so wonderful and did a wonderful job raising these neglected children to feel wanted and secure in a family enviroment. The longest we had anyone was a girl name Joy, she was my sister for 4 years, my parents tried to adopt her, her mother came and took her back...i could never do this work, too emotionally hard.

It seems the system really does let down everyone involved, especially the child, the carers, it seems to be a no-win situation unless you adopt. I dont know why you have to have classes, your parents many times over, or dont they think you have enough experience!!!!

I dont know of any other way, unless the courts give a child some rights to whom they wish to be with.