We were told this was unreasonable but disagree completely. Do you think it is?

Question

My fiance and I both come from bad backgrounds. We are close with our mums and our sibling (I have a sister and he has a brother) but not with our fathers. Our parents were always best friends and our dads used to go down the pub for some "male time" as they called it on a Saturday but then it got more frequent. They started to become regular drinkers and were rarely sober. Our mums hated as did the 4 children (us). At the time, we were all around 10-12. So my fiance's dad started using his family's savings to buy more alcohol and they got so close to being homeless. My dad didn't do that but he did turn into a violent drunk. He would often hit my mum and then act like the sweetest guy ever when he was sober so she'd take him back (she was also to afraid to leave him). His dad also occasionally became violent towards his mum but not as much as my dad (he only did it like twice compared to my dad doing it twenty times maybe). So this went on for a couple of months before our mums decided they'd had enough and we moved to Ireland (we were in France). My fiance's dad moved to Greece where he was from so he could stay with his parents and try to overcome his alcohol problem. My father was from Ireland and went on a rampage trying to find us, even threatening some family members. He saw me in the supermarket once about 6 months later (I was 11/12) and he tried to kidnap me. We haven't had contact with either of them since.

So now it is about 12 years later. My fiance and I are marrying in a few months and we have a 9 month old daughter together. We got a visit from his dad a week or so ago when he was on holiday visiting a friend. He wanted to apologise to him and his brother and he was also hoping for some sort of relationship with his granddaughter. We said that we would consider it if he stuck to our rules which were that he would have to be sober when he saw her even if it was just for the time he was with her and he wasn't going to be left alone with her. He agreed to them.

We were talking to a family member about this and I mentioned this and how if my father ever did the same I would slam the door in his face or possibly call the police. Then this person said it was absurd what we were doing and that they both had a right to see their children and any grandchildren. They even said that if my dad ever wanted to see us, they'd give him my address! Now we both think that this is completely reasonable under the circumstances but this person said it wasn't. We are 99.9% certain we are not changing our minds but we just want some other people's opinions who don't know us or our fathers or anything about us other than this.

If you could help that would be brilliant. I know it's a long question but I really appreciate you reading it. Thank you.

Answer 1

Oh, YES - you two are absolutely in the right on this one!  I wouldn't allow ANYONE, let alone a family member, to visit with my children while they were not sober.  Especially under the special circumstances that you both have with your fathers.  Stick to your guns!  As to the family member that thinks you guys are in the wrong - tell them that they are more then welcome to have a drunk family member or friend visit them and their children whenever they wish but that this decision is YOURS and yours alone and the decision is final.  You would not appreciate them over-riding your decisions regarding your child.  That should get them to shush up.  Plus, say it with a smile on your face but be firm.

Answer 2

This is your life and your daughter so the decision to let your father back in your life should be between you and your fiance', no one else. While I personally believe everyone deserves a second chance, I did not grow up in your home, you did, so you know in your heart what the right choice is. Your 'family member' who disagrees is not proving to be much of a real family member at all. If you decide to banish your brother I highly suggest you banish this person as well before he/she takes matters into their own hands and goes against what you think is right. I wish you all the best.  

Answer 3

The other person is entitled to their opinion even if it's different from  yours!  They give the address, you slam the door in his face if you feel like it!  I feel your Father gave up his right to see you or his grandchildren by the way he treated you.  It's up to you if you want to forgive and try and have some kind of relationship.  There isn't any reason to try and change the other persons opinion, it will just stress you out!

Answer 4

This "family member" might not be aware of your father's whole history with alcohol and physical abuse and control issues.  You should give them the whole story, and request that for your child's safety, they do not release your address to your father (a phone number or email, maybe, but not an address).

You have legitimate concerns about the safety and well-being of your child.  It would be foolish to expose a child to the danger and stress of a violent alcoholic.  Your father has lost your trust, and needs to earn it back with good behavior - not simply demand a relationship with the children or grandchildren he sacrificed to his addiction.

The limitations you placed on your husband's father were totally reasonable, and could be offered to your father if he demonstrates restraint and reform.

Answer 5

I think based on the information given, that you are correct to keep your daughter away from your father.  He is abusive and tried to kidnap you when you were young.  I believe people tend to stay the way they were, and he sounds dangerous. Good luck and keep firm on your decision.  

Answer 6

first of all congratulations with the wedding, wish u and ur family all the luck & happiness in the world. I am also think u and ur fiancee are more than 200% right for doing what u are doing. its great that u don't want ur daughter to be hurt or around unhealthy people. and if ur dad does come around u should do the same, give him a chance but with restrictions. both fathers should earn ur trust. but on a personal note u and ur fiancee should let go of that baggage and pity ur fathers cause they are unhealthy people but don't tolerate their c**p either. i think u are both doing the right thing.