We would like to adopt a special needs child (6-9 years old with behavioral/emotional challenges)....help!?

Question

We would also like to have biological children....which should we do first? Does anyone have any personal experiences with this?

Answer 1

YES!!

We adopted 3 special needs kids, then found out we could have a birth child.  The birth child followed after the older ones were 8, 6, and 3.

HAVE THE BIRTH CHILDREN FIRST!!!!!

Otherwise, you'll always attribute problems to the adopted child, won't know what it is to have a normal child , and the later birth child will grow up in a "residential treatment center" atmosphere...very unhealthy for that child!

Answer 2

My personal opinion is that if you want both, have your biological children first and adopt a child at an age younger than the biological child. Reasoning for this is.....an older sibling will definitely affect how the younger one grows up and learns. If the adopted special needs child is the oldest, then his or her actions will affect the younger child far more than the other way around.

Answer 3

I really dont have experience with that because im 14. But i would say to adopt the child first because if you decide to have a biological child first and then adopt a behavioral challenged child it will definatly have big effects on your own child.

Just know what you are getting into because if you do have a biological child adopting another child will make your own child feel like he/she is not as loved or payed atrention to.

Answer 4

It doesn't matter which you do first, just make sure that all are treated equal.  If you do the adoption first, then you will have time to start the healing process with the "special needs".  I have a 5 1/2 year old and while his honeymoon period was 1 1/2 years, his true colors are starting to come out now.  We are now in therapy and he is regressing further back than where he was when we started.  We also have a little one in the house that he bullies to the point to where we can't leave him in the same room with the baby.  My bio children are alot older (teens) and they just LOVE both the kids...they don't think anything of it.  Right now they are just foster kids, but my children treat them / call them / and fight for them as if they were bio brothers.....!

Answer 5

I do not have biological children, but I did adopt an older child with emotional problems due to sever abuse and neglect.  I have five children and love them all.  My youngest has Down Syndrome, was born addicted to Crack and Heroin and was HIV positive until age fourteen months.  This was a breeze compared to my daughter.  The night terrors, acting out, refusal to go to therapy was so difficult for all of us.  She is a beautiful young women, who struggles daily.  Humans are adaptable, but our coping skills are developed year early on.  She continues to struggle constantly to move through life in a positive manner.    If I were to do it all again, I do not know IF I Would Be Up to The Challenge.  I have no advise, other than be sure you have the resources both financially and emotionally.

Answer 6

I have 3 children, Bio is 6, then I adopted 7 and 8 yr old special needs siblings.  It's sort of like having triplets.  But I find it easier then say having a two year old and an 8 year old.  My question to you is, which do you want more?  A biological or an adopted child.  Maybe you could foster a special needs child to see how you do, they do take up a lot of your time.  The state mostly recommends that you adopt children younger than your biological children.  The safety of the biological child is what can break down the placement.  If you have a 10 yearold SN child and a 4 yr old biological child, and the 10 year old hurts the biological child are you going to  want to give the Adopted child back?  If you have the specail needs child first, how are they going to feel when you get pregnant?  They may feel like they weren't good enough, and then act up.

Answer 7

No personal experience, but I looked through the photolisting.  Many of the children's profiles say that the agency prefers that the child be the youngest in the family.  They want to make sure that the kid gets the attention he or she needs.  So I think you should have the biological children first.

Answer 8

I would say contact your child social services about the spacial needs child and do it first. It may affect how many biological children you have because giving them what they need can be very time consuming and costly but worth it

Answer 9

My husband and I adopted our son (only child in our home) when he was 10.  He definately has behavior and emotional challenges and has been a difficult child to raise.  I would definately do some research before you adopt a child with behavioral and/or emotional issues to be sure you are going into it with eyes wide open.  These kids can have lots of potential and have wonderful qualities but their various issues can also be extremely disruptive, financially, emotionally and physically taxing, sometimes violent and aren't always "cured".  Don't get me wrong, these kids need homes and need to be loved and cared for.  You just really need to know what you are getting into before you do this.  

A good support system is also a huge plus to have.  In our case, we have very few friends or family who truly understand what we are dealing with.  We have had our son since the age of 9 and he's now 17.  One of the biggest comments we get is "Shouldn't he be done with this testing behavior by now?  You've had him for years."  We've also gotten alot of comments along the lines of "he just needs his butt beat and that will make him behave."  A lot of people simply don't understand that kids like this have so many underlying causes to their behaviors and if there is not something noticably "wrong" with them (i.e. Downs Syndrome) then they are just brats.

Parenting children like these takes alot whether it be physically, emotionally or financially.  You should really be sure you understand everything involved.  The stress from this can affect your own mental and physical health as well as your marriage.  Also, even though some of the problems these children have can be traced back to being in foster care, abuse by bio parents, etc., simply being in a loving and stable home isn't always the "cure".  

Again, I'm not trying to talk you out of this but you really need to know the possible things you'll be dealing with.  Feel free to email me with any questions you may have.

So to answer your question.......if it were me, I think I would have the bio children first.  Wait until they are older than then kids you would like to adopt.  My husband and I are planning on adopting again but even if we had a house big enough, we would still wait until our son was out of the house because he requires so much even at 17.

Answer 10

When you go through the Department of Social Services,

to have children in your home, it is on a trial basis, and

not under the Adoption category, in the beginning.

You have to apply for becoming a Foster Parent, and take

the Foster Parent Class which is required first.

Even though I didn't need to, I went to the Foster Parent

Classes, and I'm glad I did. I learned much from them, and

also, the teacher of the class, did bring some ''actual

teenagers'' into the class and they were interviewed, by

us, as to their feelings about being up for adoption, at

their age.

Their biggest desire was just to be Wanted and Loved,

and made to feel special.

Those teens who were there, were really good kids, and

should never have been there, but some of them had spent

most of their lives in more than one foster home, because

they just didn't "fit the mold for that home'', and they were

looking forward to, ''becoming grown''.

It is a good experience, for you, to try this and see how it

is, but dont allow it to come between you and your spouse,

as some do, who get close to the children.

You are allowed to know many things about a child and

his family, before they are placed in your home.

There's so many children out there who need someone

to love them.

There are many ''levels'' to the degree of the Special Needs

child(ren) too. You might find one whose ''special condition''

is on a lower level, and it would work out fine...

I do wish you blessings, in however decision you make.

Loving children should be an easy task.

Sincerely, Too Funny