Wedding Planning Family Conflicts...what Do I do?

Question

here's the first situation:

my grandmother screamed at me on the phone for not being the first to know we had set a date (my parents and my aunt knew first). She lays this HUGE guilt trip on me...THEN goes on about how she won't even come because it's not in a church. It's in a BEAUTIFUL botanical gardens. She KNOWS I'm atheist. I'm still having a religious ceremony (that's what my fiance wants) because his brother is going to performt he ceremony. his bro is coming from the other side of the country, Even if we wanted to he can't perform one in a church he doesn't preside in. I explained this and she's still refusing to come.

2. My aunt just sent me an email asking me to change the date because she doesn't think she can make it. What do I say to this? I have deposits down, she already knows this and still had the nerve to ask.

Answer 1

It sounds as if these folks are being unreasonable; not you!  So, take comfort in that!  

Second, you will never please everyone, so don't even try!  The best you can do is to try to not overtly offend anyone & even that is usually impossible!  So, go ahead with your plans & they can all just deal with it, or not; their choice!

Now, as far as the stress, let me suggest this:  if you have any place in your budget you can fit a planner, I suggest you hire one!  Not only are they great for all the vendors, details, etc.  They are wonderful bad guys!  Here's what I mean:  there are always a few people who are a pain in the butt to the bride, be it a relative, a b'maid, whoever!  

A good planner can be the bad guy for you!  You tell her the situation, then you let her handle those folks!  Don't say another word to the b/maid about the horse; then on the day of the wedding, let the planner herd her into a carriage, or else!  

I am the bad guy all the time for my brides, & it works out great for them!  Consider it carefully!

Answer 2

I like your Vegas idea.  I wish I had done that.  Seriously.

But look, you are never going to make everyone happy and they shouldn't be giving you this much h**l, it's a special time for you and they should be supportive.  If your grandmother feels that way, that is unfortunate, but her loss.  Maybe she will come around by wedding time.  

Let your aunt know that you have already put down deposits so you cannot accomodate her request.  If it means enough to her, she will come.

In the end, you can't make everyone happy, just make yourself happy and do the best you can.  Good luck.

Answer 3

set a precedent with this wedding- don't let these people push you around.  you only get married once- god willing- so it has to be your way.  don't change your date for anyone, for any reason.  once you change it you'll never stop and never end up getting married.  of course your grandma will attend, if you guilt her back.  you only have 2 grandmas, or maybe only one, so of course it means a lot if she's there, etc etc etc.  tell your bridesmaid if she doesn't want to ride in the horse drawn carriage she can walk along side it- by herself, alone.  that'll shut her up and get her into the cart.

Answer 4

Set everything how you want it, and everyone else will adjust.  Apologize to grandma, and tell her how sorry you are she won't come.  Keep your date as you set it.  And let your maid of honor she'll have to come up with another way to travel, since she doesn't like the one you are providing.  

You aren't going to make everyone happy, so plan your wedding as you and your fiance would like it.

Answer 5

Okay first......

1) tell grandma you'll miss her at the wedding....that's all. She wants to play emotional blackmail, okay...never give into a blackmailer. So she cuts off her nose to spite her face...and your parents are supposed to know first, before grandma, because THEY are your parents.......guilt trips will only work if you let them.

2) Do NOT change the date...e-mail your aunt back and tell her you are sorry, but deposits have been put down the venue has already set aside the date and you hope she can make it, but you will loose deposit money and can't afford to, unless SHE is willing to re-inburse you 100% for the date changes...

3) if the Bm won't get in the carriage then a) she finds her own way to the wedding ceremony and to the reception & b) if she won't get in it to pose for pix, then she's out of the pix...........either it's big talk or she'll only get to walk down the aisle, nothing more...her problem so she copes.....good luck.

Answer 6

1.  Tell grandma that is fine, she doesn't have to attend.  If she opts not to attend, that is okay.

(Why would you want someone disapproving and who screams at you to be present at the wedding?)

2.  Tell aunt no.  You are sorry, but deposits have been paid . . . and so the date will not be changed.  Tell aunt she will be missed at the wedding.

3.  Compromise with the co-MOH.  Tell her she does not have to ride in the carriage, but you do expect her to pose for photos beside it.  

If she refuses to accept your compromise, then you can ask if she would be more comfortable attending the wedding as a guest.  Leave the decision (as to whether or not she wishes to be co-MOH or only a guest) up to her.

Answer 7

The bottom line has been said a million times on this site - this is your wedding - not your grandmother's, not your aunt's and not your bridesmaid's.  Your fiancé is the only person it is necessary to compromise with unless any of these people would care to step up and help pay for the event – then you might consider their input as more than a suggestion.

If your grandmother will only come if you do things her way than unfortunately, she may have to miss her granddaughter's wedding, though I suspect she will end up coming and is only trying to exert her apparently very strong will.

Your aunt’s request is pretty selfish.  Just kindly reply that you are terribly sorry she may not be able to attend, but that you and your fiancé have chosen the date that works best for you.

You probably don’t need to kick your bridesmaid out of the wedding - just tell her that this is what you have chosen and you hope it will not be a problem for her.  if she really can’t handle it, she will back out on her own.  It’s a good idea to get this resolved soon though in the event you need to replace her in your wedding party.

Just be gracious and firm.  A truth to realize when planning a wedding (or anything in life really): You CANNOT please everyone, so don’t kill yourself trying!

Good luck!

Answer 8

I would just elope and take a nice honeymoon, if people are going complain and you aren't going to please everybody.  Or just plan a destination wedding and whoever wants to come will be there, without the stress of making sure everyone is happy.

Answer 9

I think your ideas sound beautiful. I would LOVE to have horse-drawn carriages. If your bridesmaid won't get in one, then I'd have to tell her, sorry, and find someone else.

Your grandmother has no right to yell and carry on at you. Just calmly tell her these are the plans, you respect her opinion, and you hope that she will make it on your very special day. If she doesn't come, she'll regret it, and it'll be sad, but life goes on.

Your aunt is a dill-weed for asking you to change the date. Yes, unfortunately, I have heard of people doing this before. You just tell them, sorry, the date has been set, deposits have been made, and the wedding will go on as planned. I hope you can make it to our very special day.

Use that a lot, "I hope you can make it to our very special day." That usually shuts people up and fixes more things than you would think. Just smile and do what you like.

Have a fabulous day!

Answer 10

Bottom line...this is YOUR DAY....not your grandmother's or your Aunt's or anyone elses....While you should have told grandma after mom and dad, you didn't and it is water under the bridge.

As far as the site of the weding and all, just remember that the ceremony is indeed more important than the reception since the latter is just a party and the ceremony is what you'll live with for the rest of your life...

You can still get a dispensation from the a local church of the same denomination...but you have already booked the bot garden, so just relax...that is all you can do.

Scott in NY

Answer 11

Tell grandma that shes had her big day and her day as mother of the bride (presumably) and that this is your day - if she refuses to come it is her loss not yours.

Tell your aunt that things cant be changed as deposits have been paid, unless of course she is willing to give you the cash to cover the lost deposits!

As for you maid of honour!! Tell her its the horse and carriage or no part in the wedding party, shes  a cheeky cow for even saying that too you! You said co maid of honour,so does that mean you have two? so its no problem if this girl chooses to back out as you have another MOH anyway!  

Just remember that this is yours and your fiances day, no one elses, you CAN NOT please everybody, and although its ok sometimes to compromise you should only do it on the unimportant things and certainly not for people who are being down right rude.