Wedding Shower Etiquette?

Question

I've been invited to a "wedding shower" and my boyfriend is the best man but I am not in the wedding. The shower lands on my birthday. I had loose plans for my birthday to spend w/my boyfriend because we don't get much time off together and I see him sometimes only once or twice a month. Is he (being the best man) absolutely required to go to the shower? If so, why did they not ask in advance if that day was good for him? Do we have to go because he is the best man? I thought showers before weddings were just bridal showers and not all "jack and jill". What's up with this?

Answer 1

Unfortunately, I would think that he is required to attend this "wedding" shower.  However, I'm not sure how that could keep you and he from spending your birthday together.  Is the shower in the afternoon?  Go out that evening.  Is the shower in the evening?  Do something during the day.  I'm not crazy over the Jack-N-Jill showers, but it doesn't get me upset either.  Try to share your birthday and the shower.

Answer 2

Because he is the Best man he is required to be there.

But it doesn't mean he has to be there for the entire thing.

Maybe he could go for a bit then you have the rest of the day to spend together for your birtday.

Answer 3

Couldn't you just do something after the shower for your birthday?  You said you have loose plans, so change them.  And, no, they don't have to "check" with him to see if he is available, that's what an invitation is for, to invite him.  Does he HAVE to go, no, he doens't, as the best man, he should be there.

Answer 4

Umm the bride and groom do not have to get approval from the wedding party, its their choice when to have a wedding shower.  Yes, he has to go, he is the grooms right-hand man.  You don't have to go but he does. Why not make an appearance at the shower and leave a little early. Or go out for a nice lunch for your birthday and then go to the shower.

Answer 5

Maybe he misunderstood.  Maybe someone asked him to take a shower before the wedding... because guys don't go to wedding showers, unless it is a couple's shower.

Answer 6

Yep, he's gotta go and truthfully, so do you.

Remember, it's not the groom who plans the shower, it's typically the brides mother or maid of honor.  Asking around for everyone's schedule would be a nightmare.

Frankly, if your boyfriend said YES to being in the wedding, he said YES to all of the activities that go along with it.

Sorry you have to bail on your birthday plans, but put on a pretty face and be happy you were included.

Answer 7

make an appearance, and have your bf say that you two will need to leave a bit early due to a previous engagement...well, more in words you guys would actually use, but you get the idea.  more showers are becoming couple showers, so get used to it as more and more of your friends get married!

Answer 8

If he is the best man and it is a couple shower, your bf should reallly make an appearance.  Go with him & make a brief courteous appearance, and then say you had other plans and can't stay long--then go do whatever else you wanted to do for your birthday.

If that won't work, have your bf check with the groom and make sure all the other groomsmen are attending.  If he isn't the only one begging off, you might be able to get by with just sending a gift.

Once you have committed to be in the wedding party, you are further obligated to all the other little pre-wedding events such as rehearsal, showers, etc., as they are planned, and they don't necessarily have all these dates set when they pick the bridesmaids & groomsmen.  Just do the best you can to be agreeable--one of these days the shoe may be on the other foot and you will want your wedding party (maybe these same people?) to show up for your showers, etc.

Answer 9

weird.... i've actually never heard of guys at a wedding shower. who is putting it on and who else is going to be there? i hate showers anyway, and personally i would do (almost) anything to get out of one.

if he's going then go with him and plan on something for your bday with him afterwards, that way you have an excuse to leave early. if he's not going then don't worry about it, unless you are great friends with the bride.

Answer 10

Your question says you were invited, not him. Make sure it's even for both sexes before you worry about it. The best men are not usually required to go unless it is a male/female shower, which it sounds like you don't even know for sure.

If it is for both, go for an hour or two, then leave. It should be in the afternoon, so you'll still have time to spend together.

If it's females only, I'd decline. I had a shower that fell on my birthday several years ago. I declined, but dropped by during the afternoon and dropped off a gift, hugged my friend and went out. I had told her it was my birthday and I had already made plans. She was fine with it.

People who get all bent out of shape over these showers and such are really strange to me. I don't know why they think we're supposed to come to party after party bringing gifts, then a wedding (bringing a gift), then to a reception where half the time they do a dollar dance or ask for more money.

No thanks.

I'm getting married this weekend, and I didn't put my friends or family through any of that nonsense.

Answer 11

Many times the bridal party guys will attend so that there is someone to lift heavy things.  

Did you already plan the day together and then they threw the shower the same day?  

Think of it reversed,  you'll have many more birthdays, but they will only have one wedding shower. This is not the end of the world, even if you both attend, the shower will not take all day and the two of you can spend the evening together.

Answer 12

If it's a couples shower, then yes, he is required to go.  The exception to this would be if there are multiple showers and he has been to, or will be going to another.  As best man, it would be rude not to attend at least one of those type of functions.  How big is the bridal party?  It may be that they did not check everyone's schedule because it was not feasible to try and coordinate.

Answer 13

Oooh that's a tough one! I would have him, being best man call & state that it is also your birthday that day, and you had previously made plans. Apologize, & offer to send a gift [[if you want]]. You are not obligated to go JUST because he is the best man. It would be tactful, but hey, they didn't check with the wedding party to see if that was an available day for everyone..

Answer 14

Yes he is required to go to all prewedding parties. It might even be rude or tacky in some people opinions to have a shower for both the groom and the bride. But he is the best man and agreed to it when he agreed to be the best man. I understand how brides and grooms are having too many parties (engagement parties, showers, bachelor parties for each, rehearsal dinners) and require too many things out of their bridal parties. But he agreed to it when he said he would be the best man. Maybe you two can cut out after an hour or two?

Answer 15

Yeah now a days it's different. Usually guys don't like to go to those things, and don't, it's only one day, you can hang out for your bday at night! :)

Answer 16

Jack and Jill's are for both sexes and as the best man your boyfriend should help with the planning if necessary and at least show his face.  Wedding showers are just females.  You say it's a wedding shower so your boyfriend would not be required to attend.

Although, I don't see why you couldn't do birthday and shower since most of them are in the afternoon and even with evening showers you only need to put in an apperance for an hour or so.

Answer 17

So this shower is male and female? That is weird.

How much in advance were you invited? and were you invited to go with your bf or were you invited separately? Are you freinds with the bride/groom?

ultimately if your bf is going I would go since you don't get to spend much time together but if this is gonna be a separate shower like all the guys go golfing and the girls do something else. I probably would come up with some lame excuse. Ultimately, I hate weddings, batchelor/batchelorette parties, showers, the ceremony and the reception thats like 3 weekends the whole summer if you are really close to the bride/groom and if you aren't and your bf is, they can't blame you for not going to all the things they have planned.

ill check back for you answers to those questions

Answer 18

it's hard when planning a shower and ALL the other wedding plans to ask what day is good for everyone. The wedding is special and about the couple. they cant ask everyone what day is great..for everything they have to do.

Answer 19

He is required to be there...unfortunately.   See if the two of you can go out later that evening and do a night on the town.  When planning a wedding it is difficult to adjust everything to curtail to everyone else.   Just imagine how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.   Your hubby to be would most certainly want his best man there and so would you.... Be gracious and understanding.  Life is complicated so roll with the punches.  Allow this to be a win - win for both of you instead of a win-lose.   Life is about negotiating...even when it feels crappy.

BTW - Happy Birthday !!!!

Answer 20

If it is a couples shower, yes he should go - then maybe you guys could go out afterward. If he is able to make it up and attend another shower...I think that would be ok too.

Answer 21

He really needs to be there. Jack and Jill's can actually be fun. You should go for a little while and then go do something just the two of you or celebrate your birthday a different day. You will have many birthdays they will only have one wedding. Be the bigger person.

Answer 22

You mean guys are going? Hmm. What a boring way to spend  your birthday ;but I think you will have to defer to him in this one. I mean its his friend and his commitment and if it were your wedding and shower you d want your best man there.  If  you had not confirmed your plans other than to be with your bf, I guess you get a free meal at the shower and will be ' with him' Come late leave early is what I say.

Answer 23

If it's a "Jack and Jill" shower, then yes, he is absolutely required to be there, and you are absolutely required to be his date, LOL.  He can't stand up his best friend (the groom) during his shower.  And I have no idea what's up with Jack and Jill showers- I think they're sort of dumb, and I think I'd have to physically hit my fiance with a car in order to be able to drag him to one, LOL.

Answer 24

Send a gift and go on to celebrate your birthday.

If you decline and send a gift, they will be more than happy. Since he's in the wedding party and is a Jack and Jill, his presence would be appreciated I'm sure, but showers are all about gifts, so if he sends one no one will be offended.

Good luck

Answer 25

Usually showers are only like 2 hrs long. I say go to the shower. Since your bf is in the wedding party, it's pretty much expected that he goes. If the shower is too long, you and your bf can plan to roll out a little early to celebrate your bday!

Answer 26

If he's the best man, he def. needs to go...there is no reason for the bride and groom to ask everyone else what is convenient for them...it's their day and their plans.

Showers usually only last a couple of hours...so go and show your respect, then go have a great day w/ your bf!

Answer 27

Yes he absolutely should go as for you if you want to be gracious you should also go.  I bet your BF would like you to as well.  Since you dont have set plans for your birthday you and he can celebrate your b-day after the shower.  Dont sweat the small stuff you will have other b-days lets hope this is the couples one and only wedding shower.

Answer 28

Has he been invited to the shower?

If he has been invited, it is an obligation to attend.  

(Do you really expect the hostess of the shower to check with all the guests to determine who has a conflict?)

You can do both, go to the shower (with or without boyfriend) and then go have dinner together.

Answer 29

He should ask if it's necessary for him to be there, like does he have to give a speech? if not, then I think it should be fine with him skipping it and spend time with you on your birthday. Also, I think it's a good idea if he mentions that your birthday is on that day and that he wants to do something nice for you two alone!

Answer 30

I've never been to a bridal shower for both bride and groom. And you're not requierd to go, especially if you had plans. Respectfully decline. It's your birthday, celebrate!

If you relly feel obligated, find out what time it is and see if you can work around it. You can go and leave whenever you please.

Good luck!

Answer 31

In a Jack & Jill shower all wedding attendants are required, unless they have a really good reason..'It's my B.D. & I have loose plans' doesn't qualify.....

.....and some showers are co-ed or jack & jill.......

.....so go to the shower, stay a while, then go out just the two of you later..most showers break up long before the wee-hours of the morning.....especially if the are afternoon showers or on Sunday....good luck.