Wedding gift / friend dilemma - it's long but PLEASE READ!

Question

Ok here is the situation. June 2007 I became engaged to be married in May 2008. My best friend started dating a guy in May, got engaged to him in August and married him in September (2007). They were married out of state, family only invited. She never had a shower, except for a lingerie shower, which I spent $75 on her gift for. They had said they were going to have a party/reception when they got back but never did. Fast forward to 2008, I had a lingerie shower/bachelorette party, and she didn’t come, they were in FL. Then I had 2 other showers and she acted like she wasn’t going to be able to make it to them. (she’s my best friend!) She ended up coming to both, but she got me a cake pan and a cookie sheet. Now I know that nobody is obligated to give you gifts and you should not be ungrateful, but they have lots of money (and aren’t shy talking about it, it’s disgusting really, like they have a condo in FL, she doesn’t work, they are in FL every other week, she has nice designer shoes and purses, etc.). And I am slightly insulted that she spent so little on my gift when I bought her nice lingerie, AND a $30 gift card to buy whatever she would like for herself. That gift card alone was more than what she gave me.

So here’s the thing, now, a year later, they are having their party/reception. They just registered and everything! I personally think it is extremely tacky to have a party for yourselves and put where you are registered on the invitations - a year later! Now I guess I have to get them a gift, so should I spend $20 on her like she did on me? Even though I gave her a nice lingerie shower gift? I am one of those people that likes to give more than receive, I probably spend entirely too much on gifts for others. I would never give a gift less than $30, and I would easily spend $100 on a close friend. My husband and I do fine, but lets just say we both work, and we only have one residence! My husband can’t stand them bc they talk about money so much. The first 3 times my husband met her husband, he dropped the phrase $10,000, talking about it like its nothing. My husband had all the money taken out of his checking account (id fraud) and when I told them, her husband said “was it a lot of money?” I said “it was everything in his checking account” he said “like, more than $10,000?” WTF??? Mind your own business! My husband also said he would be embarrassed to give a friend a cookie sheet and cake pan for a wedding gift. I would too. (unless I was financially unable to give more, but that is not the case.)

Help please?

Btw, we are in our mid-late 20s.

Answer 1

Why don't you buy something that looks to be about $100 but really you spend only $20? That way you'll feel better, and she won't know better anyway.

By the way, not sure what cookie sheet and cake pan she got you, but even cookie sheet and cake pan can cost more than $100 (depending on the brand and quality). Although, spending more does not mean better gifts. A thoughtful gift makes a much better gift. I don't know if you like baking? If you do, then what she gave has much more meaning than the money it's worth.

If you always give and don't expect a return, you'll be much happier in life.

Answer 2

Well, it sounds like you are torn between what you feel was an unfair exchange and your love for your friend. My recommendation is to forget the price tag in valuing a gift. On both sides - both given and received. She may have given you something you feel is tacky, but it's the idea. Gifts should always be given freely of the heart. If someone else does not repay in kind, you should take comfort that you did what you felt is right. Money matters may be tight for you right now, but don't exceed what you can reasonably afford. I am getting married in December 2008 and people are constantly on me to register somewhere. I will not because I do not feel it is right to ask for things, also having been on the other side when people register but I can find comparable, if not the exact, items elsewhere where I can afford them. Registries can be nice, but gifts should still come from the heart. Instead of worrying about the cost of what you get your friend, look around for something you think she would like. And if she's simply obsessed with monetary values, get a gift card that she can use towards something they registered for. Unfortunately, there is no one answer to your situation. Just do like you always do and give from the heart, but without the price tag. Last piece of advice, if this other couple is completely focused on money (yours or theirs), you might want to evaluate the value of your friendship. If she's your best friend, you should be able to talk to her about how the money conversations make you and your husband uncomfortable, and that you do not wish to discuss it. Let the cookie sheet and the lingerie go, if you can. You'll be more satisfied if you don't try to keep tabs.  

Answer 3

I think you got plenty of advice here about what to buy and what to spend.

However, if she really is/was your best friend I think you should talk to her about it. Its not about the money, really, its just something like this ultimately damages your friendship. I, too, prefer to give than to get and I am hugely embarassed if someone spends a lot on me. However, I would be very confused being in a situation like you and I'd try to talk it out.

Get her a nice gift and if you don't have the heart to talk to her directly write her a nice letter. Meet over a coffee and adress it directly. Don't talk about the 'money-issue'. Simply ask her why she did not put a lot of thought into the gift she got you, while you picked out something beautiful for her.

If she totally blocks it and has a go at you she is not really a great friend and you should not bother much about her.

The thing with talking about money is not nice. I totally hate it too. My parents used to fight about money all the time and my brother, well...

Its something you have to cope with, be careful when talking to her about it she might be jealous.

Answer 4

You had a bachlorette party, a lingerie party and 2 showers. Shame on you for being so greedy. To be honest w/ you people dred going to those things and you should be happy that you even got the cookie sheet and cake pan.Why is your wedding so much more important than anybody elses?You think you deserve all these gifts?If every person you invited attended all of these parties, they would have had to spend an average of $350-500.  Then tack on the cost of the actual wedding gift, and if they are in your wedding, ridiculous. You're looking at almost $1,000.00 or more in some cases.I've been married 8 years now and I never had a shower, or any party for that matter, except for the reception.There were quite a few people that didn't give us anything, not even a card (and these are people making 6 figures a year).Yes, I was dissapointed, but that's not why we invited them (for gifts), we just wanted them to be there for our special day.I think your "best friend" (and probably everybody else) see right through you.You are nothing but a selfish, self centered little b*tch that doesn't deserve sh*t.Maybe I'm wrong.Maybe you didn't own anything but panties w/ stains and holes in them(the lingerie party), didn't have any money to go out for a few drinks or food, so you had everybody pay your way for the bachlorette party.Then you had not 1 but 2 showers, not b/c you think that you're so important, but b/c at the time you only had one bath towel from when you were 5, had been using plastic utensils (swiped from KFC), and always wanted more gift cards than anybody else on planet Earth.Is that the case?

Answer 5

A small gift would be nice to give her.  

I would take a look at your friendship though.  It sounds as if this is one that may be on its last legs and you shouldn't feel bad about that.  You seem to care about your friendship more than she does.

Answer 6

a gift a card is all u need to give. since they have so much money why are they even asking for gift? and yes it is tacky to have a reception a year later how embarrassing! don't even bother spending much money on them  

Answer 7

I don't think you should buy her a gift for 20 dollar you should get her something great.....you have to show her you are a better friend than she will every be....and one more thing you should talk to her and tell her how you feel because best friend shouldn't act like that

Answer 8

Some people talk alot. Remember that talk is only words, they may talk big but be struggling with credit card debt or miortgage payments. Just because they registered for gifts doesn't mean you have to bring one to their party. Take a bottle of wine and a smile, she doesn't seem like a very close friend anyways.

Answer 9

she may be your best friend but you sure arent a friend of hers.  

people who have generous attitudes toward life are HAPPY for other's good fortune.  here you are furious at them for talking about money and  counting the nickles and the dimes and while you are busy doing that they are raking in condos and tens of thousands of dollars happily as can be.  what is wrong with this picture?  hint:  it isnt them.  

your touchiness and competitiveness is so unbecoming to you.  not her.  you.  it is result of your own poverty of spirit that you would begrudge someone a second home.  or a dollar or a million dollars.  no matter how much they talk about it.  you simply wish you were the one who could talk about it.  you are envious.  sorry.  

there is a saying, 'he who scornes the rich will never himself be rich"  

traditionally shower gifts are meant to be smaller in size scope and price than wedding gifts.  she was actually correct in her choice, strictly speaking.  

the more generosity of spirit you send out into the world, the more riches and good things will flow to you.  your attitude will only attract lesser things to you.  read a book called " the secret"  obviously, your friends already have.  

Answer 10

Buy them a book about being respectable to others.  A book about giving - tacky but maybe it would hit her in the noggen and make her understand the wrong she did.

Answer 11

Be the better person and give them a nice gift. Eventually she'll feel bad about it once karma gets her.

Answer 12

Just choose a lovely gift, such as you would buy for a casual friend.

Satisfy yourselves that you buy something nice, and get rid of all this resentment you have -

http://www.target.com/Sentiments-2-Tier-...

http://www.target.com/Antique-Style-Hand...

http://www.lnt.com/product/index.jsp?pro...

http://www.lnt.com/product/index.jsp?pro...

Answer 13

maybe you should be asking yourself if you want to stay friends with this girl.

you don't need to bring a gift to their reception, especially since it is so long past them getting married

Answer 14

This is your dilemma!

Who spent how much on a gift?

Grow up - if you were caring and generous, you wouldn't be keeping tabs!

It doesn't matter how rich and braggy they are, you shouldn't be thinking about the amount of money spent.

You have a very immature attitude about gift-giving.

Answer 15

A small gift is fine given the fact that at this point you don't seem like close friends any longer!